Why I love Halloween!

I was always a big fan of Halloween! I would dress up and get tons of candy. In the 1970s' my Bronx, NY neighborhood was very safe. Hardly any moms worked and you could start trick or treating by 3:30 and not have to wait until people came home from work. I swore I got so much candy I could barely carry the bag. If you were sick or it rained, it was catastrophic! The last stop was our next door neighbors. They always had special bags set aside for my sister, brother and I and there were loaded with GOOD candy-not the cheap stuff. I vividly remember my sister being a cowgirl one year, a nurse another. I was a football player, A ghost (my sheet ripped so fast) and the bionic woman. You had to love those flame retardant masks and costumes that were sold in every 5 and dime around the country. For $4.99 (which was a lot of money back then), you could be just about anybody popular! I remember my brother was four, he wanted to be a devil, so my mother bought him a devil costume-mask and all. He was so scared when he put it on-he cried his eyes out!

I'm disappointed this year. For the third year in a row, my daughter will not wear a costume. She says Halloween is scary and I had to return her $40 Snow White outfit. It was only a dress. We tried to put it on her Saturday and she cried to the point she started throwing up. Maybe next year! She is almost four and missing out on so much!

What I love about Halloween are the classic scary movies I grew up on. They show them on TV all week. The original Nightmare on Elm Street (Johnny Depp was so young and cute), Amityville Horror, The Exorcist, The Omen, Poltergiest, Friday the 13th, Carrie, and my favorite-Halloween! I don't like these new movies like Saw-too gory. I like the ones where they just frightened you and freaked you out for days! I LOVE the Charlie Brown Halloween special too! Oh the good old days!!! Halloween rules!! It makes you feel like a kid again!

Just thinking of my angels...

I've been thinking about my angels I lost through miscarriage this year. I can't wait to see them again! I know I will see my angel girls in heaven (whenever I do get there!). My prayers will be answered and we will finally get to see each other face to face. That will be a gift from God. Bad enough yesterday my daughters friend's Mom had a baby boy, so he is now a big brother. Then today at Dance class her friend Abby's Mom had a girl by C-section on Tuesday, so everyone was talking about her baby sister. She started in while we were in the car yesterday how she wants a baby sister. I told her someday and you never know it could be a brother (she did not like that). In my head, I am saying "you should have had one by now"

Here's a poem for my two angels-with love from Mommy....

Nobody Knew You

Nobody knew you
" Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn't have been very far along."
...existed.

Nobody knew you
" It's not as though you lost an actual person."
...were real

Nobody knew you
" Well it probably wasn't a viable fetus.
It's all for the best."
...were perfect.

Nobody knew you
" You can always have another!"
...were unique.

Nobody knew you
" You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!"
...were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you
...but us.

And we will always remember
...You.

~ By Jan Cosby, c/o Mothering Magazine

Last Night's Nip/Tuck

Last night's episode named "Connor McNamara" really hit a nerve for me. There were flashbacks to Sean as a child with a cleft palate. How he struggled and was made fun of and embarassed. His mother wanted to use his college money to get it corrected, but his father was against it. Said he did not need it, education was more important. Sean was ostracized and miserable as a child. His mother went pretty much behind his father's back and planned the surgery. His father left his mother shortly after that and the surgery was a big reason. Sean knew what it felt like to be made fun of and teased and didn't want his son to grow up that way if there was a way he could be helped. I can't blame him. I feel exactly the same way and would do whatever was necessary regardless of cost to correct such a problem, even if plastic surgery was the answer. I strongly feel this way and if my daughter has a problem that needs to be addressed through elective surgery, as long as it is safe, I will give my blessing and find the money to get it done.

The year was 1986. A girl was 16 going on 17. She hated herself since she was about 11 years old. Always crying and looking in the mirror hating what she saw. By the age of 15 she started asking her mother about plastic surgery. Of course, the Mom gave the usual responses-you are beautiful the way you are, you don't need to change a thing, etc. Eventually the Mom saw how unhappy her daughter was and started to research cosmetic surgery. Against the father's will, we made arrangements for the surgery. It would not be covered by insurance in spite of the medical necessity of a deviated septum that did exist. They found a Dr. they liked and scheduled the surgery for July 13, 1986. The father was dead set against this-saying it was unnecessary and if anything happened to the daughter, the mother would personally held responsible. He would never forgive her. The operation was a success the recoverly long and painful, but the results were stumnning. The daughter is thankful every day of her life. Thank you Mom for standing up for me and seeing why I had to have this surgery. The girl in the story is me.

Searchng for those who adopted privately

I'm hoping someone reads this and may be able to help me out. If anyone has adopted a baby privately (through an attorney), I have questions about advertising. We're not there yet, but I am gathering as much info as possible.

My friends adopted 10 years ago when the internet was not so widely used. I plan on posting our profile to a few key sites, but would still like to advertise in newspapers for a birthmom. I would like to advertise in a 200-300 mile radius from our home to start and then spread out to some key areas like the south and Arizona (highest rate of teen pregnancy in the US). Advertising is daily newspapers is very expensive, but some people say more people read those classifieds. Advertising in penny saver type weekly papers is much cheaper, so I could afford more advertising. Has anyone had experience with newspaper ads for adoption? Did you find weeklies or dailies to produce better results. I know people do look at pennysavers for tag sales and used cars, but will they find an adoption ad. If I go with a daily paper, how any days do I run the ad for??

If anyone has some advertising advice when it comes to private adoption, I would be very very interested to hear what worked for you, what year, how much you spent on advertising, etc.

Madonna adopting??

From what I have read this sounds like an adoption that should never happen. Taking a boy from an orphanage to adopt when the boy has a father is horrible!!! The boy was placed there with the hope that his father would be able to take him back and raise him. It was a tempoary situation. If she wanted to help the boy, she should have donated money to his father , so he can afford to take him back and raise him. Why take him out of his country and throw him into the limelight. My heart goes out to the kid and father. Money can't buy happiness. This boy may have the best of everything, but he won't have his father.

I think it is one huge publicity stunt. Her husband wasn't too fond of the idea and they made exceptions for her-she is Madonna of course! She wants to be like Angelina Jolie-at least Angelina did it from her heart.

It's an outrage! I feel so sorry for this boy. It's things like this that draw negative attention to adoption!

What people should NOT assume about adoption

It's interesting what people think. My best friend was so into helping us find a birthmom when we were adopting in 2001/2002. Now this time around, she is much less enthused. Her reasoning is because I have one child, at least I have something. She is more sympathetic to couples who have no children. I totally disagree. I used to feel like that, but I disagree. I guess she doesn't get it. That disappointed me that she even thinks that narrow mindedly.

I remember 10 years ago going to the infertility doctor for a follow up to a laproscopic surgery. There was a woman with a husband and two kids there. I was thinking-"How selfish of her." She has two kids-why is she here wanting another one? Now I understand. I want this next child just as much if not more than my daughter. I have felt pain in the last 16 months, a different kind of pain. There is a woman in my fertility friend group-she has four healthy children-she really wants number five. Every child is just as wanted and important as your first child. Your desire to have children will not end until you feel your family is complete. Right now my family is incomplete.

People feel bad for couples who have NO children. I do to an extent. Some have the means to adopt, but choose not to take that avenue for whatever reason and spend years frustrated with infertility. Even if you don't have money. You can apply to be a foster parent. There is a $10,000 government rebate, you can quality for grants and loans that you may not have to payback. When there is a will, there is a way. One woman was trying for 9 years to have a baby with her husband. She finally decided to move to adoption. Within three months of being approved, she and her husband were delight to adopt twin girls! All those years of heartbreak forgotten-just like that. She's so busy with her girls now! I bet if she knew it was going to work out that well, she would have decided to adopt years ago.

So many people (men and women) discriminate against couples hoping to adopt-one reason being that they already have a child. That to me is a positive! We have experience taking care of and raising a baby-we've done it. Our child will have an older sibling who talks constantly about having a little brother or sister (OK mostly sister) and would love him or her endlessly. we've been married quite a while for folks our age. We have so many positives that some folks will never see in us. That's OK, because I know the right birthmom will stumble upon us by way of newspaper ad, internet contact, etc and will take the time to get to know us and will entrust us with her child.

There are other forms of descrimination. Couples who are older, couples who are too young, same sex couples, couples not married a long time, couples where one person has a health problem. I can go on and on. I think everyone needs to be more open minded and respect others goals and wishes. Don't question people, just respect their decisions and give them a fair shake.

Just sharing a video called "I want to Live"

No works of wisdom today from me. I did come across a beautiful video I wanted to share with everyone. It's by a group called Rightbrothers and it's called "I want to Live". It's a wonderful video about choosing having a baby and giving it up for adoption as opposed to having an abortion. It brought tears to my eyes. It's not graphic, just a video about a girl in high school who finds out she's pregnant. Any woman facing an unplanned pregnancy should watch this-what an insight to how an unborn baby might think!

"I want to live" Video

Why I am mad at God

I have to say, in all honestly I have been mad at God since late August 2006. I was OK throughout most of what happened to me this year. 2006 has been a horrible year.

First, On February 8th, I find out my baby has no heartbeat. The heartbeat of 143 I saw two weeks ago is gone. I begged the doctor for a 2nd ultrasound the next day, praying they were wrong. He humored me and of course they were not wrong. I had a D&C on February 10th.

Next, On February 23rd, I wake up with what I think was extreme hernia pain. I can't move. I call in sick to work and send my daughter off to pre school. I am writhering in bed, wishing I would be dead. Finally after my father in law took me to the ER, it took seven hours for them to realize that I had appendicitis and needed emergency surgery that night. Twelve hours after I walked into the hospital, the did it. It did not rupture and I was lucky they were able to do it laproscopically. I have now been on the operating table twice in two weeks.

Fast forward to May 4th, 2006. I had planned to have my hernia operated on as I can no longer stand the pain and it going out all the time. It was a traditional surgery with a cut in the middle of my stomach which would up being twice and long as originally planned (the surgeon had to make the patch bigger than expected). I recover and about a week or so after that, I find out I am pregnant again.

I am happy but oh so scared. My doctor tells me not to worry so much. My first miscarriage was a fluke-a chromosomal disorder. I think I get zapped twice in a row. I thought wrong. The HCG numbers were always quite low, but always doubled. I was skeptical but hopeful. The day after Father's Day was our first scheduled ultrasound. My husband came with me. I needed him in case the news was bad. It was bad. Just as I thought. No heartbeat. Considered a blighted ovum. I went back to work and tried to be brave, only to suffer devastating cramps and have to go back to the doctors office where they performed a procedure to prevent me from miscarrying at home (which I did not want). A few weeks later I would discover I had parvo virus (5th disease) and it probably was a factor in this miscarriage.

My first miscarriage hit me the hardest. I still look at the ultasounds and bawl. I had a C- section date all picked out in my head- August 25th. The doctor thought this pregnancy was going to be a slam dunk and already started paperwork with the hospital for the C-section. I was going to be a Mom again shortly before I turned 37. My girls (we found out the baby would have been a girl) would have been 3 1/2 years apart-just what I wanted. Too good to be true.

All I can think of is I should be holding a 6 week old baby right now. I should be on maternity leave and showing her off to everyone. I should be sending out Christening invitations. Instead here I am confused, depressed and no closer to child number two.

I have not been to church since the last week of August. I was fine until then and then it hit me all at once. I won't be mad at God forever, but I sure do need a sign that something good is going to come my way. I need a sign that our second child is coming to us. I don't care if it grows in my belly or in my heart. We are waiting for you. Jerry is you are a boy or Gianna or Gina if you are
a girl!

My prayers to the Amish Community

I am still shocked by what happed to those Amish girls in Pennslyvania. What a tremendous loss to that community. Not only the loss of young, innocent lives, but the loss of innocence itself.
They are so loving and forgiving, they immediately forgave the gunman and extended themselves to his grieving family. WOW-that is mind boggling!

They are praying for his widow in their own time of grief. No hatred or ill feelings, just love and forgiveness. I am amazed by this.

If this can happen in an Amish community, it could happen anywhere right? Are our children really safe at school? Can this happen again? Last week there was a rash of school violence and shootings around the country. I don't think I could be as forgiving if it were my child killed in a violent attack on innocent school children?

What will the future hold for our kids? An armed guard at every school-even grammar schools?
What kind of world do we live in where our kids are not safe in a classroom.

My prayers go out to this Amish Community and every community that has been terrorized by violence in school. Let's hope we can put an end to this and figure out a way to keep our kids safe!

I have a new set of eyes...

No, I did not get new glasses or contacts. By virtue of being a mother, I got a new set of eyes and now have the ability to see things in a different perspective than ever before.

For example-I used to watch the movie Beaches and cry my eyes out. Why was I crying 15 years ago? Because I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a best friend like that at a young age. Why do I cry now? Because Whitney's little 6 or 7 year old daughter has to live the left of her life without a mother. I cry harder now than I used to. It really gets to me.

Same thing with Steel Magnolias. I used to cry when Shelby told her mother she was not supportive of her being pregnant. It made her so upset. Now I cry watching her mother at the cemetery carrying on, knowing a daughter is not supposed to go before her mother. How she was the first person to see her daughter come into the world and the last person to be with her when she left it. I now cry for the little boy she left behind who would live the rest of his life without a mother.

I think of lots of things differently than I used to. It's like my whole perception has changed and I am fine with the changes. It makes me feel like a real mother and that I was meant to be a mother. Some women never are able to break out of their selfish thinking. Luckily this new set of eyes works perfectly!! I guess I can call them Mommy eyes!!

A great night of bowling!

Well last night I so DID NOT feel like going to my usual Tuesday night bowling league, but I like my team and am commited to it, so I went. I had just gotten bad news about a blood test I had drawn last week.

I had 5th disease (Parvo virus) in June 2006. I did not know I had it, how I got it and I had NO symptoms. It was discovered in bloodwork when I had my miscarriage. The Doctor thinks the parvo was a big factor in that miscarriage. He said the levels should be down to nothing in 4-6 weeks. Last week. I had a mysterious fever and rash on my arm. I called the Doctor and they said I should check and see if the parvo was gone (and I should have an immunity). WRONG. I find out yesterday, I still have it in my bloodstream-which is highly unusual. My best friend had a case like this and it lasted almost a year. No wonder why my back feels arthritis like pain. I am so upset.

Back to bowling. My average just went down like 16 pins because of how bad I was bowling.
I decided not to wear my usual arm brace because I think it had something to do with the rash.
I bowled a 167 the first game, a 245 the 2nd game and 182 the last game. Oh my God. 245 was the highest I bowled in my life. Next week my average will go up about 17 pins and I will have high series, high game and high handicap series. It was nice that the other two games were decent so I could have a good series. I missed by dream 600 series by 6 pins! I was kinda mad at myself, but happy all at the same time.

Let me repeat that 245!!! I am still on cloud 9 over it!!!

Marketing yourself for a successful adoption?

Even though we can't place ads yet and probably won't be for months, I am engrossed on starting to think how we will advertise to find a birthmother. I want to find the right birthmother ASAP. Like yesterday!! A fertility friend member advised me of an adoption situation of a baby that will be born in December. We can't get approved that fast and the baby was bi-racial. Too bad it would not wok out-both parents signed consent to adopt. That was really nice of her to think of me and I think more of that networking should go on with folks adopting independently!

I revamped our old adoption site and really spruced it up with Winnie the Pooh stuff and some slick features. Hopefully it will make it more attractive.

Should we place newspaper ads-which I don't perceive as very effective, but adoptive parents tell me otherwise. The good thing is you can place ads within your own state or neighboring states and hope to adopt somewhat locally and save lots of time and money in travel.

The internet is full of sites that we can post our profile. People say that do receive a lot of contact from potential birthmoms, but not all of them are on the up and up. It's less expensive and reaches a much broader audience. But you can wind up adopting anywhere in the country.

How about just promoting my adoption website and trying to get more hits. Maybe buy webhits or pay to have it moved higher up on search engines like Yahoo or Google??

I have lots of ideas, so I hope I will be successful quickly in finding our Birthmom. I will probably do a combination of internet and newspaper ads.

Here is revamped website-please feel free to let me know what can be done to improve it or any other comments...

We are hoping to adopt a baby soon!

Tiny Dancer

Today was a gift. I got to take my daughter to her first ever dance class (tap and ballet). We were both excited and were talking about it for months. I really honestly enjoyed it! I was going to drop her off and go, but almost all the parents stayed, so I did as well. I was curious to see what they do and how she follows instructions. I am so glad I did stay. I got to see her dance in her first dance class. She is a miracle. I savored the moment, knowing realistically, I may never had this chance again. I am afraid I may never have another child and even if I do, it may be a boy! My eyes were glued on her, it was like I was watching a four star movie! She did great! She looked so cute!! I am so glad I had a chance to enjoy this moment as a parent. Parents who have to drive their kids to activies should not complain. At least they have normal kids that can join activities. There are many women who only wish they can watch their little girl in her first dance class.

The girls in her class were funny. One yelled out that her arms were hurting from holding them up, another yelled out she had to go potty and another girl surprised the teacher with a high five while they were doing their steps. At some point all the girls in the class just hugged. It was cute! Nobody fell and that is a good thing!!

All I could think of was the song Tiny Dancer by Elton John. She is my tiny dancer-her petite 30 pound body almost made for dancing.

"..Ballerina, You must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand..."

We were in the car on the way home and she said "Thank you Mommy!" I said "Thanks for what?" She said "For taking me to dance class!"

It was so worth it! I will re-arrange my Saturdays anyday for dance!!!

I did take a few pictures of Tiny Dancer before her class...here's one!

Tragedy in the Suburbs

Very early Monday morning (5AM), a tragedy occurred on a local highway that cost a 16 year old girl her life. Our local high school last two students in two days in two separate incidents. What bothers me about this car accident that cost an innocent girl her life is the details of how it played out.

Here is the local new article so you can read it for yourself:


Article

A 46 year old mother of four decided to go "clubbing" at a punk rock club that was closing with her 16 year old daugther and her daughters best friend. This was on a Sunday night. Hello-don't these girls have school. They were out partying all night and the mother was very drunk. They stopped at a diner to have breakfast and got back on the highway-but the mother got on the wrong ramp and drove for one mile going north in the Southbound lane. There was a head on collision. The driver of the other car had to be extricated and survived. The mother and her daughter were in the front seat of the van and survived as they had seatbelts and airbags. The daugther's friend died instantly-she had no seatbelt on.

The mother and daugther were transported to the hospital and are being treated for injuries. The mother was given a breathlizer test which she failed and was notably about the .08 limit in NY. She has already been arraigned and faces a slew of charges. The town is in an uproar. This mother was a stay at home mom who was well liked in the community. Why did she get in the car drunk? Why were they all out all night? There are a million questions.

The fact is lives are shattered. The girl killed was best friends with the girl that survived. They were like family. The deceased girl went on vacation with them, slept over, ate over, etc. I know the mother loved that girl too.

What disturbs me as a parent is how you grow to trust a parent and the trust is lost in a split second. I went to the Mom's myspace site (which is now private) and the entire page distrurbed me. Punk rock music and videos player, all her "friends" were teenagers and pictures showed her with alcohol around her and out with teenagers. She is supposed to be a parent, not a friend to the kids. They trusted her and she let them down by making a horrible decision to get behind the wheel that night. She acted like a kid-even admitting on myspace that she was going back to her punk days.

I am so naive, I think all suburban moms are normal, driving a minivan, and helping out in the community. I never would think they were drinking and driving kids around and not parenting their children. It makes me think, when my daughter gets older, how well will I have to get to know the friend and her parents before I can trust that Mom to drive my daughter to the movies???

My innocence is now lost. I was so ready to trust Moms I felt comfortable with. I live in one of the most expensive and exclusive counties in the United States. If it could happen here, it can happen anyhere.

Lessons learned:

1) When you are back seat passenger ALWAYS wear your seat belt (I have since Princess Diana died)

2)Parents-make every effort to get to know your kids friends and their parents. What you see on the surface may not be the reality.

This could have been avoided. Now lives are destroyed and a community up in arms. One bad decision will live with them forever. The victim was an only child!
All I can do is pray for everyone involved-that there will be forgiveness and healing.

My experience on myspace.com

I had no intention of signing up for myspace.com, but I did cross paths with a potential birthmother today who lives one hour from me and claims she is determined to give the baby up. We exchanged emails and we last left off where I sent her the website to our profile. Let's see if any more communication goes back and forth. The only way I could communicate with her was to join myspace.com.

OK then I started to build a profile and search for people I went to High School with. I found a few but I unexpectedly found my former best friend from High School. "P" was always into punk, dying her hair pink at the age of 14, but in spite of how opposite we were, we were best buds for almost all of high school. Her family liked me.

Anyway, I did send her a note to contact her. I have her cell phone number but we don't call and I had not seen her in years. She got married and I did get to see a few pictures of her husband.

I have to say I am happy she got married but kind of upset by how she had changed. She has many tattoos. She had a couple last I say her. I am even used to the earring in her nose. It just seems the things she likes are kinda dark and she is very much a changed person than I knew. I knew she was going in that direction, but I thought the maturity of being in her mid 30s would stop the progession. Sounds like she drinks a lot too. I guess when we have our high school reunion next summer, I will be prepared.

I can't describe it. I was sitting at the computer and swear I could smell her distinct perfume (Gloria Vanderbilt). I was looking at a very familiar face, but the face staring back at me was totally different-does that make sense? Let's see how or if she responds to my greeting.

The "what ifs" of adoption

I spoke to my best friend briefly today and told her I was revamping our adoption website in preparation for a possible upcoming adoption. I added a page of family pictures and a page about our daughter. She asked me if that was a good idea. She said "What if a birthmother sees you put pictures of Jacqueline up there and thinks you won't love her baby as much as your daughter?"

I said that is rediculous. Of course I would love both children equally. I said "If she feels that way, then she is not the birthmother for us to be matched with". Good answer huh?? The words just came to me.

I have to admit a few months ago, I was fearful of us not being picked because we have a biological daughter. But in reality and in talking to adoptive parents and an adoption attorney, that is usually not the case. The birthparents usually find something they like about you are have in common with you. Your sister looks like her best friend. You have a Maltese dog. You are a nascar fan. Your daugther looks like his neice. Somehow a connection is made and it grows from there. It's an amazing thing. I have faith that in time an amazing connection will be made between us and birthparents who have a bond with us. I will not lie or misrepresent myself to have a birthmom pick us. It's just not me. In the long run, it's just plain wrong. This is a lifelong relationship you are entering. I think it's awful when adoptive parents promise pictures, updates, emails, visits, etc and never follow through, leaving the birthmother hurt. I could never hurt another person who gave me such a beautiful gift as a baby that way.

In recent weeks I have taken the time to read letter from birthmoms. I have read the flip side to adoption. Their hurt, their loss and unsure feelings related to the whole adoption. Many birthmoms were pressured into giving up their babies years ago and many of them have lived with the hurt. The instance of pressured adoptive in the last 10-2o years or so is reduced, but still many birthmoms go through a myriad of feelings. We have to respect that.

I have this gut feeling that although 2006 proved to be a lousy year for us in trying to grow our family, something good will happen quickly in 2007 if we choose the adoption route. I can just feel it-2007 is going to be a great year!!!

Bye bye to my spinach!

Well Monday for the first time in my entire life I bought a bag of fresh Spinach. I was hoping to surprise my husband with a fresh veggie we rarely have at dinner time. I was so proud that I bought something healthy and fresh. Luckily I held off making it, having opted for other veggies with dinner this week. It seems E.Coli has found it's way into bags of fresh Spinach! I would have been freaking out if I had eaten this earlier this week. I don't know if boiling it would have killed the E.Coli. I know washing it doesn't.

I know chances are this bag of Spinach was fine, but I'm not taking a chance so...bye bye to my Spinach! The garbage is where you belong. I am not even going to waste my gas returning it to the store. I chucked in into the garbage. Popeye never had to worry about E.Coli!!!

In Search of Trenton Duckett

Has anyone been following the story about Trenton Duckett? A two year old boy went missing in Central Florida on August 17th. His 21 year old mother claims he was in his room in bed. She went to check on him around 9PM and he was gone-a hole cut in the bedroom window screen. He went to bed around 7PM.

The story gets more intriguing. Authorities are searching a construction site where the mother and son were seen together shortly before his disappearance. They have been digging, but have come up with nothing. On Sept 8th, the boy's mother committed suicide after the CNN's Nancy Grace grilled her on the show. Here's a transcript:

http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0609/08/ng.01.html

The boy is still missing and now his mother is dead. They are not releasing to the media if the mother was a suspect or if a diary or computer may have provided information. The family is sayingher being on CNN and being "bashed" was the reason she committed suicide. The whole story sounds fishy. She won't disclose where they were that day, nobody has seen the boy the day before he disappeared. It doesn't sound good.

Poor little two year old boy did not stand a chance. I wonder if she was connected to his disappearance or possible death. Maybe she took her life out of guilt. We will never know. Finding Trenton alive is a longshot according to police. I believe in miracles, and I'm hoping he is found safe very soon. I hope this is not another unsolved casethat will fade away at the expense of a toddler. My prayers to you Trenton.

9/11-we will never forget

It's hard to believe it's been five years since the 9/11 attacks. In some ways, it feels as if time has stood still.

I live about 45 miles North of NYC. My husband was in midtown that morning and it was a twist of fate that he was not across the street from the towers. It was just like any other September day, but Sept 11, 2001 was special. As I walked from my car into my building, I distinctly remember how beautiful the weather was. There was not a could in the blue sky and it there was a slight crispness to the morning. I remember thinking it reminded me of our wedding day (Sept 13th) and what a picture perfect day with bright blue skies.

A little before 9AM, the day takes a terrible turn when my brother in law, who works for the same company (and right down the hall) instant messages me to tell me a plane hit one of the towers. I did not think much of it. I thought it was an accident, a small plane clipped a huge building-minimal damage and impact. I turned on the radio and started to hear traffic reports and the traffic guys in the helicopter talking about raging fires and major damage to the first tower. Now people are talking about it in the halls. We hear the second tower was hit. We all knew at that instant, it was no accident and we were the target of an attack. I heard of the attacks in Washington and feared they would attack every major city in the US within hours.

Things started to get kaotic even about my office in the suburbs. People trying to reach family and friends, parents leaving work to pick up their kids at school, women getting hysterical.
I will never forget watching the first tower fall. We had gotten two TV in the main lobby of IBM where I worked and dozens were gathering around. It was our first chance to see with our own eyes what had really happened. We saw the first tower fall in front of our eyes as if it were a planed implosion. EVERYONE gasped and screamed, so unprepared for what was happening.

My best friend found me in front of the monitors and started screaming "Where is Jerry?"
I had trouble reaching my husband as cell phone circuits were all busy. I did hear from him later and found out his meeting in lower Manhattan was cancelled, and he was near Grand Central Station (which I feared was a target) and was just trapped as no trains were running on the Metro North. She said we should leave work in case they declare a state of emergency and close all the highways, so we packed up our laptops and left for home.

I wanted my husband to walk over the 59th Street Bridge and into Queens to his grandmother's apartment in Astoria. It was a nice day and he was young-he could do it. He was considering it and then the trains started running and he managed to get on one of the first trains to White Plains.

Once he was home, we were just glued to the TV. I was not really working. People were calling like crazy to check if Jerry was OK. We were calling lots of people as well to check on how their friends and family were. We were in shock, watching over and over again the horrific images of the planes going through the towers, people jumping from the buildings, and the two building falling to pieces. I had nightmares about these images for weeks. I think the people jumping out of windows bothered me the most. I gulp every time I see a plane go through one of the towers.

I had bowling league that night. It was the 2nd week of the season and I was hoping they would cancel-but they did not. The mood was somber, quite a few women did not show and all we talked about was what happened. I don't know if we understood the magnitude of what happened.

We were lucky, a twist of fate kept us safe. Our close friends and family were also unaffected. Others were not so lucky. Six people (some quite young) died that day from my small town.
Many friends lost loved ones and their bodies never recovered. For months and months, the obituaries of our newspaper were full of 9/11 victims, mostly young people. The impact was felt for months and months without a chance to catch our breath.

I cried today for so many reasons-the thousands of innocent lives lost, our nations loss of security and innocence, how my daughter will never visit the twin towers and how I will have to explain to her what evil too place there. So many stories of people who missed a flight that day or called in sick for the first time in years. They were saved. So many stories of people who had a meeting in one of the towers or came in early to get some work done.

I think 9/11 should me made a National holiday. I feel it should be a National day of mouring. Nobody was upbeat. It was a somber day. Some people took off to go to memorials of former co workers. The years may have passed, but in so many ways it was like a wound being opened all over again. 9/11 taught me to live every day as if it were your last and "when you get the choice to sit it out or dance-I hope you dance!"

Five years have passed. I have a different job and a wonderful daughter. In many ways, my life has changed. Time stood still today, it may as well have been 2001. I felt like today somebody ripped a band aid off of me and exposed an old open wound. Today, like every day in the past five years, this nation has lived with this permanent wound. It hurts today more than other days. We lost our innocence as a nation and we must live with that every single day forever more.

Amniotic Fluid Embolism (AFE) is scary

I started reading about Amniotic Fluid Embolism (AFE) after a woman in one of my adoption groups told us about it. Her birthmother, who just gave birth a few days ago is now in ICU and fighting for her life when she suddenly fell under the attack of AFE. To read more about this disease where the mortality rate for the mothers is 86%, go to this link:

AFE

I never know this disease existed. I never knew it was out there and it is quite rare. There is no way of knowing if you have it until you are in labor and by then it is too late. There seems to be some link between having allergies, a male fetus and pitocin. It's scary for me to read-If I do get pregnant-could it happen to me? I have tons of allergies. Would having a c section two weeks before my due date safeguard me from this?? I am almost sorry I read about it, but it is better to be know then not to know.

For now, I will pray for a birthmother in California, whom I have heard wonderful things about and is fighting for her life. Nobody deserves to be stricken like this. It sounds like one of obstetrics "dirty little secrets". My prayers to you Cameron! My prayers to all those families who have lost a woman in the prime of her life to this terrible mysterious medical phenomenon.