OK, I'm hooked on Youtube....

So I have recently become hooked on Youtube. I like watching Madtv parody videos, some SNL clips and parts of shows that I'd like to see again, like Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives.

Back when this episode aired (2005, I think), we had not even given adoption much thought. I was very sensitive to this though since we had tried to adopt in 2001/2002. It breaks my heart to see this scene and it is every adoptive mother's worst nightmare prior to finalization. I pray for anyone counting the days until consent is irrevocable or finalization day. I can't watch this without crying.

August 25th

Let me tell you about August 25th. In 1987, 20 years ago, my family packed up the car and headed north to Oneonta, NY. They were bringing me to college at SUNY Oneonta where I was starting as a freshman. The car ride was tense, my boyfriend (now husband) came at 5 or 6AM to say a tearful goodbye. We had been dating for exactly 6 months. The ride was quiet. I was doing OK until, until my sister commented that I had not cried about Jerry throughout the ride-then I started to bawl. We did get a laugh when we stopped for breakfast at the Roscoe Diner. My mother ordered two LARGE eggs, just the way she said it made us burst into laughter and still does to this day. I went on to meet three of my best friends that first week on college, right in good old Golding Hall.

Fast forward to 2006-August 25th, 2006 was supposed to be a good day. It was the day we had planned for me to have a c-section to deliver our 2nd baby. I miscarried at 9 1/2 weeks and that day turned into a very somber day for me last year. I found out the baby would have been a girl, but succumed to Turner's sydrome early in the pregnancy in spite of having seen a healthy heartbeat a 7 weeks. We were on vacation that week last year, but still, my thoughts that August 25th were on what could have been.

It's 2007 now, 20 years since I was a Freshman at Oneonta State. My best friends that I met that first week are still in close contact with me. We spent this August 25th at my cousin's wedding. It was a hot day, but a happy day to celebrate with family. I still remember what August 25th means to me-the good and the bad. This year has been good to us and I was happily showing off pictures of my two girls at the wedding.

August 25th will always have meaning though-that I can't deny...

Tidbits about fast food

Today marks the 40 years since McDonalds introduced the Big Mac! Happy birthday Big Mac!!! I love it, it's like a heart attack in a package. In honor of this special occassion, I heady over to MickeyD's myself. Every once in a while I need to indulge in fast food! The center piece of bun in the Big Mac makes it unique and stay together! What a genius who thought of that!

My 4 year old often goes to McDonalds and Burger King with her grandparents and is used to getting a toy with the kids meal. The other day she innocently asked my husband what he had for lunch. He said he had Burger King. Then she asked him in a serious voice "Did you get a toy with your hamburger?". We started laughing. In her world Burger King is free and a cool toy is always included. Oh to be an innocent child again!!!

Why is abortion so non chalant for some women?

I was at a party this weekend and talking to an acquaintance (woman) I knew from High school-our mutual friend was hosting the party. We were saying that in some ways, it would have been easier for our daughter's birthmother to have an abortion. I could understand that because it is very painful to live the rest of your life knowing you chose to give you a baby that is yours and that you loved because of circumstances in your life. Our daughter's birthmom was Catholic and although not a devout one, she felt that the baby was a life and that she could make a family happy by helping them out and giving them a child they so badly wanted. I really admire her and respect for choosing to honor and respect the baby she was carrying as a life and a person. I know every day in her heart she will always think of the baby she placed with us. That is a hard thing to live with. Enormous if you ask me.



The woman I was talking to says, "Oh yeah, I had two of THEM (meaning abortions) back in the day". She was just blurting it out with lots of people in earshot. I was taken back. I had two of THEM-like I had two cups of coffee at Starbucks?? It sounded so nonchalant and had no concern that she was talking about human life. Not to mention, I have close friends who have had abortions in the past and have told me in confidence and swore me never to tell another soul. At least they think of it now as something private.



I am pro choice and I think in certain cases abortion may be a better option-rape, incest, threatens the life of the mother, etc. I also think it is too easy to come by these days. Maybe there should be a waiting period of a few days or some other restrictions to make it less appealing as a way out of a problem. Maybe I take the life of a fetus very seriously because I had two miscarriages at 9 1/2 weeks each. I wished those babies would have hung on and I think of them all the time-what they would have looked like, what their personalities would have been, etc. I will never have the answers to those questions, I can only imagine.



Before Roe vs. Wade there were many more babies for adoption. Now to adopt a baby in the US is very difficult. I just look at my daughter and Thank God her birthmother chose to carry her to term and entrusted us with her life. I can't imagine my life without my baby in it. I would never have had this opportunity and she never would have had a chance at life. We have the gift of our baby in our lives every day and will share with her birthmom pictures, letters, updates, etc. I will forever thank God that this special woman chose life and didn't take abortion so non chalantly.

My baby is three months old today....

Happy three month birthday little girl!!! She actually went to a one year old birthday party yesterday-her first official party. She slept through most of it-LOL! It's a cool August day here in NY and I had to take a picture of her wearing this outfit that her big sister wore home from the hospital. She weighed all of 6 pounds and it was SWIMMING on her. We estimate that our little buttercup weighs 10pounds. The outfit is kinda big on her, but fits just right in length! Her next chekup is not for another month-four months. She's growing nicely though! She's doing better and spitting up less formula. She'll sleep like 12 hours at night (seriously) if I let her, but I'm a mean Mommy that wakes her up at 7AM for a bottle.

The last three months have been a whirlwind of craziness and happiness! I'm really enjoying my little girl. Every day I am thankful for her and think of her birthmom and the sacrifice she made. I love both my girls with all my heart. There isn't anything in the world I would not do for them! Here's a picture taken today at three months of our little buttercup, as we affectionately call her!!

First update to our birthmom

I will be sending out an update and pictures in two weeks to our daughter's birthmom. It's our first update. I like her a lot and feel totally comfortable updating her. I have a few pictures picked out that I will send. I am waiting for some pictures to come back from Sears, which we had taken last week.

Some family and friend shake their head like it's a bad thing that I will be sending pictures and a letter. I don't think of it that way at all. I think it will reassure her that the baby is doing fine and that she did make a good decision placing her with us. She kept her promise to us and did sign over rights to her baby, I have to keep my promise to her to update her as we agreed. Unless she tells me she no longer wishes to receive updates, I plan on sending them regularly. I have had a couple people in my family say that I should not send a really cute picture of her, try to send one where she doesn't look so good! OK first of all, she looks beautiful in every picture, second of all, it doesn't matter. No matter what, the consent she signed is irrevocable. She's all ours-forever!

I will type the letter (my handwriting stinks) and enclose three or so pictures. I am going to make the majority of the letter be an update on her growth, height, weight and things she is learning to do. I will then send it to her lawyer who will call her and let her know to pick it up. I hope she likes it and that it doesn't make her feel bad in any way.

I guess it will get easier after the first update. I really hope it makes her feel good and that she treasures the information and pictures I am sending. We are so grateful for the gift of our daughter. A stranger we met by chance did something for us that nobody else could do, not my sister or my best friend. How do you ever, ever thank someone who had given you the gift of a beautiful baby? Keep your promise to her. Send updates as planned. I think of her and pray for her every single day-I promised her that too and every day I keep that promise.

I have the Career blues...

I was layed off at the end of April with lots of severence and just started unemployment. I had a good job as a systems analyst with a major corporation just two miles from my house. Good benefits, no money on gas and I could even wear jeans. The work wasn't challenging, but I wasn't going anywhere. I have been layed off from the IT field twice in the last five years, both from major corporations who could have the work done cheaper in other parts of the country or outside the country all together.

Now I am unsure what to do with my career. It's unlikely that I will find a job less than 1/2 hour from home. I will have to pay out at least $2000 a month in daycare and drive to two different daycare everyday. After daycare, lunch, gas and wear and tear on the car, I will be lucky to make $500 a month. My older daughter is in preschool and I have to send her no matter what, so I am down $800 a month either way.

I am going to stay home at least until my unemployment ends. I don't know if I should just stay home to my older daughter goes to first grade (two years away!) Kindergarten here is 1/2 day and you have to pay $500 a child to go the other half of the day. I am going a little crazy home, but hate to put the baby in daycare at an early age. I also feel like I should go into a new field completely and forget about a future in IT. I really have no desire to sit in an office from 9-5 anymore.
I've been doing that since I was 23.

I am taking a notary class and will take the test in September. I want to take a class on loan closing. I would like to work freelance as a loan closer and maybe start a mobile notary business. I am going to give it a try, but if it doesn't bring in the money I had hoped, I don't know what my next move is. As a loan closer, I wouldn't have to put the baby in daycare, I can have family watch her a few hours here and there. I have lots of connections in the mortgage business, but I worry about the housing market and interest rates and how that can determine my success. I guess I will give it a try, I just don't have plan B in my head and that worries me.

Hail to our chief

NOT! It took our wonderful President two days to travel to Minneapolis to tour the damage and meet with people who were rocked by this tragedy. It took him a few days to get to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Someone on his staff should tell him that immediate response and travel is needed when an area of your country suffers a disaster. Seems to me, when Jeb Bush was the Governor of Florida and we had a bad season of hurricanes, George W., was quick to head on down to Florida, and offer condolences and aid. Hmmmm, I wonder why?

Maybe he was vacationing the last few days and hated to cut his vacation short? Maybe he didn't think it was important enough to alter his schedule immediately. Actions speak louder than words. We don't count to this president. He doesn't care about us, his people, at all. He doesn't care that gasoline is over $3 a gallon, or billions are being wasted on a war with Iraq that we never should have entered, or that a gallon of milk is $4.50 or that professional people are being layed off in drones because the work can be done cheaper in other countries. He has destroyed this country since he took office. I have no idea how many years post Bush, it's going to take to get us back on our feet again as a country.

My income and life were so much better before he took office. I had a well paying job and had just bought a nice house. I have since been layed off twice, as have many of my friends. I don't even want to go back to the IT field, since I will only be laid off in a couple of years. Jobs are not stable, they pay less then they did in most fields, interest rates are unstable, the housing market stinks and foreclosures are rampant. There is no security anymore.

All I can say is THANK GOD George will be out in 2008. Thank God there is no third term for a president. Although I would have loved to keep Bill Clinton around for one more term! I just can't wait for inauguration day in 2009!!!

My worst fear...

My friends and family all know my worst fear-being trapped in my car, submerged in water with my kids. I have asthma and can't hold my breath for long at all. In the unlikely event that I wound up submergered, I really don't think I would stand a chance. It scares me to death. Even more so, how would I get my girls out-strapped in the backseat in their car seats. My youngest one is now rear facing on only 2 months old. I have nightmares about it. Two months ago, I had a dream that my and my husband and the kids were driving near a lake in the fog and my husband couldn't see where the water's edge was and we went into the water. I paniced immediately and I can't even remember the rest of the dream.

I talk about my fear so much, my bowling partner Michelle bought be a device to break the car window and cut the seat belt in this kind of emergency. Now that's a friend. It gives me a little hope, but I still fear it terribilly. I will just have to put my hopes on odds and that it never ever happens to me. I will keep my little emergency device close at hand though. I pray I never meet a fate like those involved in the Minneapolis Bridge collapse. It's amazing as many people survived though, it could have been worse.

I hadn't thought about my fear in a few months. Ironically, at 6:45 Eastern Time, I took my older daughter to pajama story time at the libary and then to carvel for ice cream (buy one get one free night). On the drive home, I started to think about my fear of being submerged in water and I could not shake the thought. I came home at 8:15 PM our time and my husband immediately told me what happened. I had thought about it, before knowing it even happened. It's almost as if I had some kind of a preminition. Another proof of my 6th sense....