My baby is three months old today....

Happy three month birthday little girl!!! She actually went to a one year old birthday party yesterday-her first official party. She slept through most of it-LOL! It's a cool August day here in NY and I had to take a picture of her wearing this outfit that her big sister wore home from the hospital. She weighed all of 6 pounds and it was SWIMMING on her. We estimate that our little buttercup weighs 10pounds. The outfit is kinda big on her, but fits just right in length! Her next chekup is not for another month-four months. She's growing nicely though! She's doing better and spitting up less formula. She'll sleep like 12 hours at night (seriously) if I let her, but I'm a mean Mommy that wakes her up at 7AM for a bottle.

The last three months have been a whirlwind of craziness and happiness! I'm really enjoying my little girl. Every day I am thankful for her and think of her birthmom and the sacrifice she made. I love both my girls with all my heart. There isn't anything in the world I would not do for them! Here's a picture taken today at three months of our little buttercup, as we affectionately call her!!

First update to our birthmom

I will be sending out an update and pictures in two weeks to our daughter's birthmom. It's our first update. I like her a lot and feel totally comfortable updating her. I have a few pictures picked out that I will send. I am waiting for some pictures to come back from Sears, which we had taken last week.

Some family and friend shake their head like it's a bad thing that I will be sending pictures and a letter. I don't think of it that way at all. I think it will reassure her that the baby is doing fine and that she did make a good decision placing her with us. She kept her promise to us and did sign over rights to her baby, I have to keep my promise to her to update her as we agreed. Unless she tells me she no longer wishes to receive updates, I plan on sending them regularly. I have had a couple people in my family say that I should not send a really cute picture of her, try to send one where she doesn't look so good! OK first of all, she looks beautiful in every picture, second of all, it doesn't matter. No matter what, the consent she signed is irrevocable. She's all ours-forever!

I will type the letter (my handwriting stinks) and enclose three or so pictures. I am going to make the majority of the letter be an update on her growth, height, weight and things she is learning to do. I will then send it to her lawyer who will call her and let her know to pick it up. I hope she likes it and that it doesn't make her feel bad in any way.

I guess it will get easier after the first update. I really hope it makes her feel good and that she treasures the information and pictures I am sending. We are so grateful for the gift of our daughter. A stranger we met by chance did something for us that nobody else could do, not my sister or my best friend. How do you ever, ever thank someone who had given you the gift of a beautiful baby? Keep your promise to her. Send updates as planned. I think of her and pray for her every single day-I promised her that too and every day I keep that promise.

I have the Career blues...

I was layed off at the end of April with lots of severence and just started unemployment. I had a good job as a systems analyst with a major corporation just two miles from my house. Good benefits, no money on gas and I could even wear jeans. The work wasn't challenging, but I wasn't going anywhere. I have been layed off from the IT field twice in the last five years, both from major corporations who could have the work done cheaper in other parts of the country or outside the country all together.

Now I am unsure what to do with my career. It's unlikely that I will find a job less than 1/2 hour from home. I will have to pay out at least $2000 a month in daycare and drive to two different daycare everyday. After daycare, lunch, gas and wear and tear on the car, I will be lucky to make $500 a month. My older daughter is in preschool and I have to send her no matter what, so I am down $800 a month either way.

I am going to stay home at least until my unemployment ends. I don't know if I should just stay home to my older daughter goes to first grade (two years away!) Kindergarten here is 1/2 day and you have to pay $500 a child to go the other half of the day. I am going a little crazy home, but hate to put the baby in daycare at an early age. I also feel like I should go into a new field completely and forget about a future in IT. I really have no desire to sit in an office from 9-5 anymore.
I've been doing that since I was 23.

I am taking a notary class and will take the test in September. I want to take a class on loan closing. I would like to work freelance as a loan closer and maybe start a mobile notary business. I am going to give it a try, but if it doesn't bring in the money I had hoped, I don't know what my next move is. As a loan closer, I wouldn't have to put the baby in daycare, I can have family watch her a few hours here and there. I have lots of connections in the mortgage business, but I worry about the housing market and interest rates and how that can determine my success. I guess I will give it a try, I just don't have plan B in my head and that worries me.

Hail to our chief

NOT! It took our wonderful President two days to travel to Minneapolis to tour the damage and meet with people who were rocked by this tragedy. It took him a few days to get to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Someone on his staff should tell him that immediate response and travel is needed when an area of your country suffers a disaster. Seems to me, when Jeb Bush was the Governor of Florida and we had a bad season of hurricanes, George W., was quick to head on down to Florida, and offer condolences and aid. Hmmmm, I wonder why?

Maybe he was vacationing the last few days and hated to cut his vacation short? Maybe he didn't think it was important enough to alter his schedule immediately. Actions speak louder than words. We don't count to this president. He doesn't care about us, his people, at all. He doesn't care that gasoline is over $3 a gallon, or billions are being wasted on a war with Iraq that we never should have entered, or that a gallon of milk is $4.50 or that professional people are being layed off in drones because the work can be done cheaper in other countries. He has destroyed this country since he took office. I have no idea how many years post Bush, it's going to take to get us back on our feet again as a country.

My income and life were so much better before he took office. I had a well paying job and had just bought a nice house. I have since been layed off twice, as have many of my friends. I don't even want to go back to the IT field, since I will only be laid off in a couple of years. Jobs are not stable, they pay less then they did in most fields, interest rates are unstable, the housing market stinks and foreclosures are rampant. There is no security anymore.

All I can say is THANK GOD George will be out in 2008. Thank God there is no third term for a president. Although I would have loved to keep Bill Clinton around for one more term! I just can't wait for inauguration day in 2009!!!

My worst fear...

My friends and family all know my worst fear-being trapped in my car, submerged in water with my kids. I have asthma and can't hold my breath for long at all. In the unlikely event that I wound up submergered, I really don't think I would stand a chance. It scares me to death. Even more so, how would I get my girls out-strapped in the backseat in their car seats. My youngest one is now rear facing on only 2 months old. I have nightmares about it. Two months ago, I had a dream that my and my husband and the kids were driving near a lake in the fog and my husband couldn't see where the water's edge was and we went into the water. I paniced immediately and I can't even remember the rest of the dream.

I talk about my fear so much, my bowling partner Michelle bought be a device to break the car window and cut the seat belt in this kind of emergency. Now that's a friend. It gives me a little hope, but I still fear it terribilly. I will just have to put my hopes on odds and that it never ever happens to me. I will keep my little emergency device close at hand though. I pray I never meet a fate like those involved in the Minneapolis Bridge collapse. It's amazing as many people survived though, it could have been worse.

I hadn't thought about my fear in a few months. Ironically, at 6:45 Eastern Time, I took my older daughter to pajama story time at the libary and then to carvel for ice cream (buy one get one free night). On the drive home, I started to think about my fear of being submerged in water and I could not shake the thought. I came home at 8:15 PM our time and my husband immediately told me what happened. I had thought about it, before knowing it even happened. It's almost as if I had some kind of a preminition. Another proof of my 6th sense....

I survived my 20 year High School reunion!

I survived! Friday night was a casual mixer at a bar. I brought my friend and fellow graduate Randi with me. She wasn't going to come, but had a blast. By 12:30 I was ready to go home. She stayed out till 3AM. I'll too old for that.

The girls looked good. Easy to tell whose who, many of them looked the same or very much the same. The guys-that's another story. Many of them, it was hard to tell who they were. Most of them were balder, if not completely bald, looked different and were heavier. There were some exceptions and I did see some "hottie" guys, but it was a little shocking.

The talk was "where do you live?", "Are you married?", "where do you work?", and "How many kids do you have?" I was so happy to say I have two beauiful girls. I was glad to see some people, there were others I never talked to in High School and really had nothing to say 20 years later.

Satuday night was the formal event. Dinner, DJ, the whole shabang. My husband decided last minute not to go. I was fine with that. He never went to my High School and knew nobody. He's also very shy. I brought Randi again and we had a good time. Some people that were not there Friday night came. It was nice to see how many people came from far away. It was sad to learn two members of our class had passed away, one just a few years ago, and rather suddenly. He was at the 10 year reunion and was very good looking and popular in high school.

It was great catching up with people. There was a slide show featuring pictures from high school! There was another slide show featuring pictures of graduates with their families/kids now. Too bad I did not know, I could have sent in a picture of my girls! I talked to the guy I graduated with who used to live in my house (we bought if from his parents in 1999). That was funny-he wanted to know if I was taking care of his house! The two guys I LOVED throughout high school did not come to the reunion, so I was a little bummed.

I had a good time talking to the ladies that still live in the area and we are going to get together with our kids soon. Many of these people, I won't see again for another 5 or 10 year, whenever the next reunion is. I hope to go to the next reunion thinner and more confident. Not having been in shape was a real downer for me and I was kind of self conscious. I wasn't the only woman there who shops in Lane Bryant, let's just put it that way.

I'll be turning heads at the next reunion!!!!

Kudos to my brother!

My brother is such a great guy! He just came back from vacation and flew in from Myrtle Beach, SC. He ate dinner and insisted on stopping by to see family and drop off their souveniers. That was so nice of him considering what a busy day he had and he still had to drive another 35 minutes north to get home.

He bought us a lovely picture frame with a lighthouse. He gave Jacqueline two necklaces, one of a turtle an one of a butterfly-which she loved! He managed to find Jenna a sippy cup with her name on it. It's so cool! He was headed to my sister's house to give his other two neices their trinkets. He's so thoughtful. I am so glad he's Jenna's Godfather. He was so glad Jac liked her gifts. He made him try each necklace on her-it was so cute. He helps my two neices regularly with art projects and does an awesome job.

He's such a great brother and Uncle. He's 32. We hope he meets someone soon and gets married someday. He would make a great husband and father. Here's a selfless plug for my brother. He's 32, single, Catholic, in retail management, works hard, doesn't drink or do drugs. He's working on losing a few pounds. His biggest problem is he is shy. Approaching women and asking for a date will never be his thing. I am encouraging him to join e harmoney or match.com, but he's not one to check his email very often.

Here's a picture of him. If you know any nice, single women in their mid to late 20's or early 30's, in the Hudson Valley area of NY, feel free to contact him through his myspace page...which he just set up.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=215906075

OK where do I complain about shopping carts???

Yes, I am totall annoyed with the manufacturers of grocery shopping carts. I often shop at the A&P. The first time I took Jenna in her carrier, I was going to place her in the front and put my groceries in the bottom of the cart. WRONG!!! Because of the ads for real estate agents, insurance agents and mortgage brokers, my Graco carrier that 3 1/2 years ago fit perfectly in the front of the cart, no longer does. It must be the stupid ads on the cart. That's the difference and why they no longer fit. The first time I tried shopping with Jenna, I was in denial and kept trying to make it fit. I finally gave up and just put her in the bottom of the cart (poor thing). Luckily my husband was with me. He took a separate cart for the groceries. The same thing happened to us in Acme Supermarket in NJ.

I think it's terrible! They say they have wagons with carriers attached. They do. They are dirty and disgusting and I am not ever placing my baby in that carrier. Forget it.

I seriously want to complain! When I go to Walmart, Home Depot and BJs her carrier fits-but they don't have ads on the cart. I guess money and greed are more important then people, safety and concern for customers.

Am I the only one that has had this problem with a carrier and shopping carts???

Back from vacation!

Yes, we are back from our 5 day vacation. The weather in Wildwood Crest was very nice. Sunny and hot. Every day was a beach day. We spent much less time at the beach this year. Jenna is too young for sunblock and very fair. We covered her up and put her under the umbrella, but still I was worried the rays would get to her. Sometimes my husband and Jacqueline went to the beach or pool and I stayed in the room with the baby. Oh well, we knew it was going to be challenging this year. I made our plans before I knew Jenna was coming into our lives. I did not think it was fair to Jacqueline not to go on vacation at all. We usually go with family, but this year we were on our own, which did not help.

I did not have to cook and did have a nice view of the ocean! We spent quality time all cozy in one room! It was a nice change of scenery. We used to spend hours and hours on the beach before kids! Eat at fancy restaurants and go to Atlantic City at night-those were the days! We'll do that again-in about 20 years!

Even with limited time in the sun, I was still happy to be there. The last time we were in Wildwood was the last week of August, 2006. It rained almost every day-we could not go to the beach-the weather sucked. To make matters worse, I had taken clomid and we were actively TTC that week, even with family in other bedrooms. We just did it because we had to. I also was to have a C section on August 25, 2006, but lost that baby at nearly 10 weeks. That thought really played in my mind last year. It was a depressing vacation across the board. Ironically, we believe Jenna was conceived that same week and unknown to us, our daughter was created. This was a MUCH better vacation.

Next year, I can slather Jenna with sunblock and spend more time on the beach. But on the flip side, she will probably be toddling around and we will be chasing after her. I have come to the conclusion that mothers never have a vacation. I was still doing all my motherly duties-just somewhere else. I wouldn't have it any other way. I still pinch myself sometimes. For years I dreamed of being on the beach with my two kids and this year, my dream became a reality.
We feel incredibly fortunate to have our two miracle girls!

A vacation with just me and my hubby would be relaxing, but I don't think I would know what to do with myself LOL!

Vacation was fun, but THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

My dream was a visitation

I had a vivid dream last night and I know it was more than just a dream-it was a visit. It was incredibly lucid and clear. I have had them before-not in a while. I talked with and saw this deceased person and felt a sense of calm and happiness when I woke up? Has anyone ever had this happen to them? I KNOW I have a 6th sense and can sense things other people cannot. I have a connection to the afterworld and it warns me when I should beware and calms me when everything is going to be OK.

This dream involved my best friend from High school's mother, who died in 1990 of lung cancer. When I met her in 1983, she was probably 50, but years of smoking had aged her skin and I thought she looked older then her age. To me she looked old, but when you are 14 everyone looks old. She was always very fond of me and I think somewhat amused. I spent countless hours at their house when I was in High School. In the dream, she looked about 35. I remember her skin was so soft and perfect and unwrinkled in the dream. She was smiling and laughing and talking to me on the front steps of my parents house. I don't know what we were talking about, but she was so happy and beautiful, that's all I remember. When I woke up, I felt a sense of calm and happiness. I really felt as if I had talked to her and visited with her. I emailed her daughter, who I was best friends with in High school and told her the whole dream. I am curious to see what her response is.

I felt as if I had received a blessing of sorts from her. Maybe it's because I recently adopted and her other daughter had adopted almost 20 years ago? Was a sign I needed to reach out to my old friend. I don't know, but I know it was more than a dream. It was a visit. Maybe she knows I would be receptive of her visit. The word visitation may be incorrect and I don't want to offend anyone, but that is the best way to describe it.

Did my friend have a similar dream? Why did I have this dream? I had not thought of her in quite some time. Nobody even mentioned her name to me. I guess there is a higher purpose!

Who should host THE PRICE IS RIGHT??

Well I know who should NOT host it-Rosie O'Donnell. Thank God that's not happening. I swear I would never watch it again and I do love that show. I think John O'Hurley (better known as Mr. Peterman from Seinfeld) would make a great host, but that's just my feelings!

I did watch the last episode of The Price is Right. That last contestant raked in the big bucks! I felt like an era was ending. My grandparents who are now deceased LOVED to watch the Price is Right. I think their worlds stopped at 11AM every morning to watch it. I felt like a personal era of my own was ending with Bob Barker retiring. I guess I will always have fond memories of my Grandma Mary in the recliner yelling at prices! A new era will soon begin!

Update on my girls!

My blogging is way behind! Last weekend Jacqueline had her long awaited dance receital. She looked terrific and danced well-we were so proud of her. When she danced to "I hope you dance", it was one of the best four minutes of my life. Absolutely priceless. She did wear makeup for the first time. It was recommended as the stage lights tend to make the girls look pale. Here's my ballerina girl! Where have the 4 1/2 year gone!

On June 21, Jenna went to the pediatrician for her one month checkup. She is now 7 pounds 2 oz ( u p from birthweight of 5 pounds 8 oz) and 20 inches (up for 19 inches). She's in the 25th percentile for height and weight and 50th for head circumference. She is healthy and doing great! We are so blessed and thrilled to have her. I have no doubt she was destined to be our daughter! Here she is as 25 days old. We're using this picture for the baby announcement!

Sorry-here's part two of our adoption story

Sorry that a day turned into a week and a half but here is the rest of the story...

We walked into the hospital and asked for our birthmother. A nurse led us to the room and there she was holding Jenna. I was a little taken back because she originally said she would not hold her. She said she was crying and she gave her some formula. I am glad she did spend a few hours with her. I was taken back with how tiny, but beautiful Jenna was. For a baby delivered with a quik naturally delivery, she looked great. No cone head or marks on her. She was perfect. After two minutes, her birthmom said to me "Here's your daughter Mom, come and hold her!" The words I had waited to hear! We hung out with her birthmom that afternoon and all stayed in the same room with the baby.

Her best friend came by and we met him, which was nice, since she spoke so much about him. He took her home. She left the hospital less then 7 hours after giving birth. Her 6 year old daughter, who knew nothing of the pregnancy, was being dropped off by her Dad. She was such a trooper. I think it was easier on her if she left the hospital quickly. I walked with the nurse as she wheeled her downstairs. I hugged her when she got in the car and cried as I got into the elevator with the nurse. I told her I would think of her every day of my life and we were so thankful for this gift of our daughter. I cried for her, a mother leaving the hospital empty handed. I really broke down in the elevator. Here was a single mom, struggling financially, she worked, took good care of her six year old, was not a druggie or alcohol. Just a hardworking single mom who could not afford another kid. Under difference circumstances, I would have been friends with her.

She did come back to the hospital the next day with a friend who was dying to see the baby. Her friend held the baby for a while and then we asked if she did. She held Jenna like 10 seconds and started to break down. She handed her back to me and said she had to leave, it was too much for her. That is the last time she saw the baby and I think she knew it would be the last time she saw her in person for a long, long time. It was so sad.

On Tuesday, May 22nd, they released Jenna to us and we took her home from the hospital and to the hotel. My inlaws and four year old daughter came up that afternoon and Jacqueline met her little sister for the first time, it was quite a moment. She loved her from the minute she saw her. She was so ready to be a big sister.

On Thursday May 24th, we were notified that Jenna's birthmom went to court and relinquished her rights. It was the great news we had been waiting for. I heard it was incredibly hard for her at court and she did breakdown. We had more family come up Memorial Day weekend. It was nice to see family and they were so excited for us. On Tuesday, May 29th, we got a call from our attorney that ICPC clearance came through and we could leave. We called our birthmom and told her and she came to our hotel to say goodbye. I met her daugther and she met our older daughter in person. We had bought her and her daughter a few gifts.

We left right after that and headed home. We got home 10 pm that night, but were so happy to be home. We felt so lucky for how smoothly everything went and how fortunate we are in general. We are now a family of four! I an still in shock!

So much has happened-we have a daughter-part one

I have not logged anything in weeks-so much has happened. Long story short, we have a daughter!!! Our beautiful daughter Jenna was born May 20th, 2007. She weighed 5 pounds 8 oz and was 19 inches tall. She is beautiful and healthy and we are still in amazement at how perfectly everything worked out.

In spite of how promising everything looked, I still refused to get excited. Things progressed. On 5/17 she called to say she was in labor and they thought she would deliver that night. We headed up to NH and checked into a hotel. By Saturday the 19th, nothing was happening. We were bored and anxious and missing our DD. I was sleeping with clothes on every night LOL. We met for lunch and said bye to her on Saturday. We joked that we'd pull into our driveway and she would call.

Well, 14 hours later, she did call. She was in labor 8 CM dialated and admitted to the hospital. It takes 4 hours to get there, so we knew we were not going to make the birth. We got grandma and grandpa to pick up our four year old and packed and headed out. She called us at 11:30 AM to say our daughter was born at 11:12AM. She told us her size and that she was beautiful and healthy. We were still three hours away-we couldn't get there fast enough.

Part two comes tomorrow!

Adoption update....good news

We have been pursuing domestic private adoption and were homestudy approved 1/2/07. On 4/27 I got laid off from work. That night I get a call from a potential birthmother in NH. I'm at a play and don't answer. She leaves a voicemail and I return her call the next day. She never calls me back. On 5/6, I decide to follow up and call her again. We talk for over an hour and she likes us and I already like her. We mail her a profile, and within a week, she meets with the lawyer and gets things in motion. She thinks she is due in 4-6 weeks.

Our birthmother finally went to the doctor yesterday for the first time. She had no prenatal care, because she had no insurance, but everthing is perfect. She was there for like 4 hours and they packed 9 months worth of visits in one visit. We know the sex of the baby............ it's a GIRL!!!!

It gets better-according to the ultrasound....the baby was due 6 DAYS ago!!!!!! She is 3 cm dialated! She thinks she will hang in there a few more days-maybe by this weekend??? The baby was approximately 7 pounds 3 oz as of yesterday. We have no idea what we are going to name her. Whenever we head to NH, we are taking my laptop so I will be online, although very infrequently. I will try to keep everyone.

Our birthmom is wonderful. She is so glad she can do this for our family. She's thanking us for adopting the baby!

Please pray that everything goes smoothly and that we are home with our daughter very soon! Like they say, one door opens, another closes. I believe in fate and destiny and I think this baby girl was meant to be ours.

Is this a sign?

Well on Sunday night, I had a very nice conversation with a birthmom that is due in 5 weeks. She sounds serious about placing the baby for adoption. Our profile was overnighted yesterday and she should get it today. All we can do is cross our fingers that this turns out to be our baby and not just another disappointment.

Here's the ironic thing. I woke up this morning to what sounded like a newborn baby crying. I don't know where it came from. Our bedroom window was partially open, but nobody in the neighborhood has a baby. I thought maybe it was a kitten, but it really didn't sounds like one, it sounded like a newborn crying. I know it was not in my mind I really, really heard it. There are condos up the hill from us, so my best guess is that's where it came from. In my mind I took this as a sign of things to come. Maybe I will be waking up to the sound of a newborn crying very very soon!

Celebrate!!!

It was a beautiful day yesterday in Suburban NY and my neice received First Holy Communion. She looked beautiful-like a bride! It was nice to have our family together to celebrate such a special event. We had a wonderful time at the party and the DJ played lots of games with the kids. Our daughter had a blast! The food was great. What a shame the party just flew by. I could have kept on partying!!!

Lots of people asked how the adoption process was going and are routing for us, even having spoken to some people on our behalf-I was kinda blown away by that. People are really so eager to help us-it's terrific!

At one point, my heart just sunk for my daugther. All the kids were on the dance floor and the DJ said "Quick everybody grab a partner!" All the kids on the dance floor were girls and they grabbed their sisters. My daughter looked around and realized she was the only one without a sibling to grab, shrugged her shoulders and left the dance floor. Her actions just spoke volumes.

I hope in years to come, she does have a little playmate/sibling to do things with. I pray for that every single day!

A victim of corporate downsizing (again)

So on Friday, I became another victim of corporate downsizing. Yes I was layed off. I did get a nice severence package, but still it's not what I wanted. I was going to get $5,000 adoption assistance from this company and it was VERY close to my house.

This is the 2nd time in five years I have been layed off by a corporate downsizing. It stinks. You go to college, get educated, find a good job, only to spend your days worrying about when you will meet the grim reaper. I guess I am lucky, I think in the future, corporations will be offering little or no severence. Rumor has it that our company was going to discontinue severence in 2008.

I am fine with it. It was hard to say goodbye to dozens of people and pack my desk in a matter of hours, but I did it and I am really fine with it. I hope to focus on decluttering my house and spending more time with our daughter. I can also focus on adoption related activities as well. I was rather burned out and really can use a break.

I feel like I have been given a ticket to freedom. I think I will try my hand at my own home business (maybe ebay?) and hope to me my own boss soon, doing what I want to do.

Congrats Kyle and Crystal on your baby girl

This morning I opened by email to get a much anticipated email from my
adoption friend Crystal. The baby she is going to adopt was born on 4/24.
I got a quick email on 4/23 saying the birthmom was being induced and they were off to the airport! the gender was unknown four weeks ago when they were selected, but I correctly guessed girl! She has no name yet, but is a cutie-I saw 60 pictures of her courtesy of proud Mommy!

They were matched through Project Cuddle which is such a wonderful organization. They are the 2nd couple since Dec 2006 who I know and who has adopted with their help.

What impressed me the most about the pictures I saw were the smiles on their faces. They were glowing. They are young and have not been trying to adopt all that long, but I can tell by the smile on their faces, they were estatic! I can't wait to see more pictures of their little girl and find out what they decide to name her!

Crystal is my adoption buddy and we often referred situations to each other. She is still promoting our adoption website www.ouradoptionplan.com whenever she can!

Congrats again! I was so happy to hear the good news. This is one lucky baby girl to be raised by such loving parents!

Adoption comes with a price

I made some phone calls last week and was in contact with an adoption agency in Arkansas that can work with NY families. I was excited, because most can't and Arkansas has some great adoption laws. I sent them our names and address and they sent us an information packet, which I received yesterday. I will not mention the name of the agency, but they do many placements a year.

When I opened it up, I was outraged. There was a price list for adoptions and it was broken up into three catagories as follows:

Caucasian baby-$25,000
Biracial baby $15,000
Baby of color (I guess they mean African American) $10,000

WHAT???? Why is one baby more than another. Every baby is a precious life. I know their are a shortage of families that wish to adopt biracial or African American babies and making the price affordable would help, but this is rediculous. Why can't it be actual medical and birthmother costs plus a flat fee of say $5,000 or $10,000, which can be reduced for harder to place babies. These prices don't include traveling and all legal fees.What has become of our society? In reality, a birthmom may have medical insurance and have very little financial need. I guess they are making over $20,000 on her if she is caucasian. Less if the
baby is not full caucasian. Do they treat birthmothers carrying caucasian babies differently? I would hope not! Are they reluctant to take on birthmothers with medical bills because it cuts into their profits?

This sounds like buying a car, you can get a bare bones Nissan Sentra for $10K, an Altima for $15K and if you have the money, you can get a fancy Murano for $25K.

Putting price tags on these situations makes is seem inhumane. We are talking about people and the life of an infant here, not a financial transaction.

I guess it comes down to supply and demand. Caucasian infants are in demand And agencies and facilitators know they can get top dollar placing these babies.
Just another reason why I am in favor of independent private adoption. A birthmother can go online or read a newspaper and talk to and decide from an unlimited number of couples, who should adopt her baby. There are no hidden motives. All hopeful adoptive parents that are advertising are homestudy approved. Adoptive parents, if chosen, pay all legal, medical, counseling, as well as allowable living fees, if needed. Our attorney has done adoptions this way for as little as $6,000.

As you may have already guessed, we're not signing on with this agency.

This gets me ticked off! Adoption rant!

Ok so I am surfing the net and look at adoption related information (yet again!)
I visit this facilitators site where she posts all the available situations. She posts the a brief info on the birthmother, the baby's due date, gender (if known) and baby's race.n Couples that use her can let her know if they are interested in a certain birthmother's situtation.

There is this one situtaion for a caucasian baby (gender unknown) and three couples are interested. Let me rephrase that, two couples are interested and a third is only intersted if it' s a girl! Sorry that ticks me off. I don't care if you had 10 boys at home, when you sign on to adopt you should accept a boy or girl. Either sex!

I look at it this way-if a woman is pregnant, she should love and accept the baby regardless of it's a boy or a girl. Right? There would be no chosing, you accept what God sends you. I get so ticked when I saw that-only interested if it's a girl! Adoption is about giving a baby a loving home and nurturing them for the rest of their lives, it's not about picking and choosing the perfect baby to your specifications.

I am happy to see that an overwhelming number of adoptive parents are not picky about the sex of the baby and many are open to different races, drug and alcohol exposure, mental illness history and special needs. I believe there is a family for every baby out there. No child should not have a family to shower him or her with love.

We live in NY and it seems we have cooties here. Nobody wants to work with us. I can't tell you how many situations I see on the internet that do not allow families from NY to apply. Why isn't there universal adoption law in the US? We can't use referrals, lawyer or facilitators to help us make the match. Our only options are networking, newspaper ads and internet advertising. So far all my hard work had gotten us nowhere.

I get an email of a baby boy born two months ago with serious heart problems and he is in need of an open heart surgery to repair the two holes in his heart. Of course it said "No NY families". I emailed the coordintor back and advised if nobody indicates that would like to adopt the child with medical needs, we would be interested if they can find a way to work with NY state law. We live one hour North of NYC, where there is the best caridac care. My Daughter was born with a congenital heart defect and we have been seeing a pediatric cardiologist since I was 20 weeks pregnant. We feel confident we could help this baby.

We are so eager to adopt that we would take a boy or girl and will consider all situations. We are not closed minded and picky. If I had to present my self as a birthmom when I was pregnant, the write up would not have resulted in many interested adoptive parents.

I have decided that I am helping all my online adoption buddies and am forwarding them situations that I see that would be good for them, most of which we are ineligible for. I know it will come back to me 10 fold.

Parent Profiles here we come!

We were activated with parentprofiles.com today.
I am getting tired and frustrated with placing ads in
newspapers. I am hoping that this increases our exposure
and we make some real birthmother contacts. I am hoping
to be one of the 18-20 success stories they claim happen
every month. Me and the other 372 hopefuly adoptive couples
listed! I was against if for the longest time, but the exposure
is worth $99 a month. We're spending so much money
adoption, what's another $99 bucks!

I am concerned that when people see our picture and
see the three of us (my daugther plus us), they will
not be interested. I know that's a silly way to think, but
I know that people are more sympathetic to childless
couples, almost to the point of descrimating against
couples with children, especially biological children.
I can't tell you how many times I heard "At least you
have your daughter, some couples have NO children!"

I think we are excellent parents, and unlike first time
parents, we have experience. We would not be nervous
when the baby has a fever and we know what to do.
We've been through all these stages before. I also know
what it's like to be pregnant and can sympathize with
birthmothers. I think we have so many positive qualities
and hope that we don't get overlooked by potential birthmoms.
Here's to matching with a birthmom! We want to be
an adoption success story!

Here's our parentprofiles site:

http://www.parentprofiles.com/profiles/db20729.html

Somewhere out there...

Somewhere out there is our baby. I just have to find him or her. I don't know how long it's going to take. We are doing all the right things-networking, proming our adoption website, advertising in newspapers and even signing up with rescue organizations. The last three months have felt like an eternity with much of my free time being spent on adoption actitivities.

We are comtemplating signing up with Parentprofiles.com. The success stories are few and far between, but for $99 a month you do get a lot of exposure. Maybe we possess something that the other 366 couples that are up there don't. We are spending like $1500 a month in newspaper ads and have had no good contacts to show for it.

I know our luck can change on a moments notice, but right now I feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere with the adoption process.

Tomorrow is another day and who knows what the day brings-right?

Just one of the many reasons I love my husband!

The year was 1987. We started dating in February of 1987, but had actually met
in October of 1986 casually. I had thick high jet black hair like an 80's video vixen.
He was thin as a rail and wore hi top sneakers. What a pair we were. Life was
easy and simple. No worries, no bills, no issues-we just had fun together-all the
time. By Christmas of 1990, he suprised me with the perfect engagement ring.
I would have picked the same one if I had chosen it. It fit perfectly too! By September 1992, we were married and celebrated with a fancy Italian wedding. Life was good. Of course we had bills, work and less of a carefree life, but we were still having fun!

Here it is 20 years later and we're still having fun. The highlight of the week may be just sitting down together to watch Desperate Housewives. Life is complicated-juggling work, money, owning a house, raising a child and trying to adopt a baby. Some days it's downright stressful. Things at my job are up in the air. I am afraid I could be layed off. He says to me "Don't worry, I support whatever you do.". That is so nice to hear. If I want to make ebay my full time job and work from home, he'll support that. If I decided to pursue a career as a loan closer and take the notary public test, he supports that as well. If I choose to find another 9-5 job, that's fine with him. Considering we really do need two incomes, I am surprised he is so calm about it. He has more faith in me then I do some days. For that I feel like the luckiest woman alive.

Good news & bad news!

OK-the good news is I did receive an encouraging adoption call from a young woman in Missouri. She is due in 8 weeks, but will probably deliver in 6 weeks. She had her other kids at 38 weeks. I am having our profile overnighted to her tomorrow. She's having a boy and sounds serious about placing. I hope she likes us!!! I felt like I clicked with her and our thoughts were on the same page as far liking the semi open adoption as the best option for everyone's sake. I hope she is serious and chooses us.

OK now for the bad news. Well kinda. Way back on December 23, I received a call from Ashley, a potential birthmom that I made contact with through mysapce. We had talked quite a bit throughout the winter and I was even helping talk her through some difficult times. She picked us to parent her baby due in mid to late August. She even called our lawyer and a local attorney. Things in her life changed. She reunited with an old boyfriend and told me she was then undecided about whether to keep the baby or place it up for adoption. I told her I understood and to take her time and think about it. She had not called me in about 6 or 8 weeks and she called me today. She and her boyfriend (whom she will be marrying at the end of the month) have decided to keep and raise her baby (which she found out is a boy). I was not surprised by her deciding to keep the baby. I was surprised and touched that an 18 year old would be responsible and mature enough to call me and let me know as soon as they made the decision. She is a very sensitive person and I know it was difficult to even tell me she was thinking of keeping the baby (she had actually written to me, because she felt bad to tell me).

I told her I was happy for her and her boyfriend and hope everything works out great for them. She can call me anytime. I completely understand her decision and thanked her for calling me and letting me know. I know it was hard for her. I told her hopefully we will both be posting pictures of newborns in a few months.

I am really touched and happy that she took a few minutes to call me. She even recommended a maternity home in FL that I should contact for adoption information. All in all, she was still concerned with us. Her family should be very proud of her. Although I am disappointed in a way, I am very happy she was honest with me and is in a much better place in life then back in December. She is happy, has a new job, is getting married and his family will be giving them the support they need to raise the baby.

Oddly enough, I am so happy for her!

Getting disgusted with adoption & responses to our ads!

I am so disgusted right now with adoption. I have two women really leading me on. One for almost two months now. She still has not filled out paperwork she received over a week ago from our attorney. She's working on it she claims. She tells me Friday night that at her sonogram, they said the baby was a boy. Part of me gets excited and part of me just doesn't believe her. I really think I am being scammed. I think she wants attention. She is yet to provide proof of pregnancy.

I will insist that my lawyer ask her for Proof of pregnancy tomorrow. No POP, no more conversations. She calls me twice a week to chat. I don't want to get more emotionally involved. I am being charged by my lawyer for all the work they are doing to get her paperwork, fedexing documents, talking to her on the phone-so although I have not given her any money-this is costing money.

We litterally have adoption ads running in 10 papers this weekend and no calls (yet). I am getting so disgusted. I wanted to cry yesterday. I keep trying to believe that a real birthmother who wants to work with us can call me at any moment and our lives could change. I have to keep believing. I just want a nice, honest birthmom to contact us. I would rather have honesty.
If you are 40 tell us. If you drank tell us. If you took drugs tell us! We are open minded people and are not looking for the perfect super baby. We are just looking for a baby to love and make part of our family.

I am even losing faith in our religion. I was in church today saying to myself "Why are we going through this after all we went through with the miscarriages?" "Why are some people getting lucky so quickly finding a baby and not us?" I keep believing our day will come.

If anyone can help us, please call us toll free at 1-877-372-6041. Our adoption website is:

http://ouradoptionplan.com

Adoption headaches

OK now I know why I have headaches every day, all day. Litterally-there is not enough Alleve for me.

Placing ads and following up to see your ad appears in the newspaper correctly is time consuming. Talking to folks in the classifieds dept. takes time too. My lawyer has been calling with different things to tell me. Mailing out our adoption business cards with a letter to friends and family.Updating our adoption website to spiffy it up. Calls from women that just sound unbelievable or never call back. Scamming emails for Cameroon with promises of a baby. Other adoptive parents emailing me with advice or looking for assistance. Keeping up my blog. It's become a full time job. I barely sleep at night. When I hit the pillow I am out cold, but I go to bed at Midnight or later every night. Don't even ask about cleaning the house-that's another whole story. I really could use a vacation. I told my husband that when we are blessed with a baby, I will be so relieved mentally, that I will finally be at ease-at least mentally.

NY is such a strange state. We can't use a facilitator or referral agency.
American Adoptions and Adoption Network Law Center can work with 49 states,
guess with one they can't work with? You got it-New York!

I have been placing a good amount of newspaper ads (even statewide) and haven't received a call in weeks. I am spending hundreds per week. I pay to advertise on the internet and barely get any hits from that. I hear the same from other adoptive parents. Few calls and not much action. Basically, such a small percentage of women are looking to place their baby, it is getting harder and harder to adopt.

I will work on how to more effectively manage my adoption related activities and continue to place ads in hopes of finding our baby very soon. Nothing will deter me from completing our family. I guess the sleeplessness is good preparation for when the baby arrives!

Just need to vent a bit!

So today I was excited, our reworded adoption ad was appearing in three more papers. I checked them online. Two of the three had the ad wrong and our toll free number incorrect. The only one that was right was the one I submitted online myself. GRRR!!! I had to email the two papers and left messages with the classifieds dept. I guess I will straighten it out Monday, but I really wanted those ads to run this weekend.

Independent adoption is physically and emotionally draining. I do the overwhelming majority of the work-ordering business cards, mailing them out, calling crisis pregnancy centers, having our link posted online, placing the ads, etc.

I really think that for these reasons I should be allowed to have complete control over naming the baby-if it's a girl. If it is a boy, it will be named after my husband, but if we do wind up adopting a girl I want to name her the name he vetoed in 2003. I want to name her Jenna. DH thinks people will think of the adult star Jenna Jamieson. Maybe that's just his way of thinking.

We are so undecided about girls names. I want to continue the "J" tradition as our whole families first names beging with J. That's not important to him. We'd like the baby to have an Italian sounding first name, but in reality, the baby we adopt will probably not be Italian and I think we have to take that into consideration and name the baby a more nuetral first name. I also want the baby to have a short name as our DD's name is 10 letters. I guess we will cross this bridge when we get to it. I can't help thinking about this stuff-it make me hopeful!

The Littlest things make me happy!

OK, you know it's bad when wearing new panties makes you happy. Nothing special, just a new pair of Hanes hi cut panties I bought yesterday at K Mart. I guess it's nice not have warn out elastic and holes. It made my day. I'm wearing another one of my new pairs tomorrow!!! And as a bonus, I wore new socks today. What a day!!!

The air had a bit of a Spring feel to it and for some reason when I got out of work, I started to think about Mr. Softee. That's my favorite and so rarely do a see a Mr. Softee truck. Sure enough I was walking in my neighborhood an hour later and what do I see-Mr. Softee. It was almost deja vu. That truck has not been around since September. I resisted the urge to buy anything as my dieting is top priority these days!

I had to laugh. I placed Statewide classifieds ads in the entire state of West Virginia in hopes of meeting a potential birthmother. One paper put our number with an add for "work from home". I got four calls already about working from home. Drives me nuts. I get excited when the phone rings only to find out they really are not responding to my ad. It's part of the process! I found it kind of amusing! I may get calls like this for days!

Bowling seaseon, interrupted

Like my favorite movie Girl Interrupted, so my bowling season. Seven weeks shy of completing the season, our league had to suddenly come to an end due to the collapse of the roof of the bowling alley Saturday afternoon. 100 people were there, mostly kids having birthday parties and it is a miracle everyone got out safely. I am bummed out though. My ball, bag and two pairs of shoes are in the locker and I can't get them. I also did not want to end the year like this. I had so much hope for us moving up from 4th place. I had 2nd high game!

Oh well, everything happens for a reason! Maybe I needed a break. Or maybe our baby is joining our family sooner than we think.

The repairs will be made and hopefully everything will be back to normal by fall of 2007. I was contemplating not coming back, hoping to have two kids at that time and take a year off from bowling, but I am reconsidering. I feel bad. I have been bowling there weekly for almost 14 years. I felt comfortable there, it was "my house". I knew the lanes. I used to see the same women week after week. Last thing I said to everyone was "See you next Tuesday". Twas not meant to be! What a wierd freak of nature-roof collapsing from heavy snow and ice that fell the night before! We've had 26 inch blizzards here for God's sake. I guess 10 inches of snow plus a good amount of ice were too much for the roof.

I guess on the brightside, all the equipment will be fixed. We usely to complain weekly about how the equipment kept breaking down.

Here's the story in our local paper:

Jefferson Valley Lanes roof collapses

What will I do on Tuesday nights?

Disappointments in pursuit of private adoption!

I think I hit rock bottom yesterday. A potential birthmother that called twice Thursday night never called back Friday after she said she would. Her number was unlisted and I had to wait until Sunday for my toll free service to obtain the number. When I called Sunday that number was no longer in service or had been disconnected! UGH! She was due in 6 weeks!!! I wish she would call me again if she was indeed a real potential birthmother.

Then yesterday I did some cyber searching on the net and paid money to access some databases. A potential birthmother from Arkansas due in July told us she was 26. The only woman with that name in that small town of Arkansas is 41 years old! Given the information could be inaccurate, but from the first time I spoke to her I thought she sounded a lot older then 26! Now I wonder if she is even pregnant. I will doubt everything from this point on. I wish she would have told us the truth. In reality she just may be a lonely woman enjoying the attention. This sucks. I am so disappointed about this-I really had my hopes up. I left her a message saying we would like proof of pregnancy to advance the process further and we would like to work with her. Let's see where this leads us. Probably to another dead end.

Thousands of dollars in ads and this is what I get-lies, lost contacts and shattered dreams. I have ads in Newsday, 20 thirfty Nickels as as well as other major newspapers. Our ad was out there to well over one million people this week. What more can I do, or afford to do?

I cried yesterday for the first time in a while. I cried for my angels that would have saved me from this. I would have had them by now. I wouldn't be going through this.

Maybe I am too trusting and naive to go this route. I am working so hard doing all the right things and feel like I am not getting results. Only another adoptive parent going the independent private adoption route would know how I feel today.

I keep having dreams that someone calls me and tells me a baby was born and we were chosen. Yeah-must be a dream. But I always wake up smiling!

Like Annie said "The sun will come out tomorrow". Tomorrow is a new day and who knows I just may get "that call" we've been waiting for!

The best part of my day!

We had a bad flood in our basement this past Friday-thousands of dollars of stuff ruined. Precious photos gone. Two days or pumping out water and cleaning out the basement-not fun. We're getting the basement waterproofed on Thursday and I am trying to put it behind us.

I haven't gotten any calls to speak of from our adoption advertising. I did get one tonight for a really nice girl who only lived an hour away and who I immediately liked. She thinks she is three months along, hasn't been to the doctor yet and will call me next week. I want to talk to a woman that's due in a month or two-everyone I talk to is due in August. I feel bummed. Some days I feel hopeless and think a baby will never join this family.

I had have one bright spot in my day. I get into work and listen to my voicemail. Last night my husband dialed by work number and let our daughter leave a message. Just hearing a voicemail from her in her cute four year old voice melted my heart. I had to save it. She said "I love you Mommy, have a nice day!" I will replay that at work every time I feel down. Next year I want two little voices to be leaving me messages!!! That's my goal and I'm sticking to it!!!

Loving family hopes to adopt a baby! Adoption

This is just a post to give ourselves a "plug" and get some exposure...

We are a loving Christian family of three from New York and we are hoping to adopt a baby through private independent adoption. We are homesudy approved and can adopt a baby (even on short notice). We have been working with a lawyer for months and have undergone all necessary clearences and submitted all the proper paperwork. We promise your baby a lifetime of love, hugs, vacations, extended family, eduation and opportunities. We will pay all legal and medical expenses. Please visit our website to learn more about us:

http://ouradoptionplan.com

If you are pregnant and considering placing your baby up for adoption, or know a woman that his, please contact us-we'd love to talk to you. Our toll free number is 1-877-372-6041.

Thank you!

Ads, Ads and more Adoption ads!!!

I can't keep track anymore! I have so many adoption ads out there, if it were not for my trusty spreadsheet, I'd lost track weeks ago. Next week, adoption ads in military papers, bi weekly papers, and new states we have not advertised in! You put in 20 ads in hopes of getting one call from a potential birthmom. The good thing is you don't need 10 calls, although that would be great-you just need one call from the right woman. One connection is all it takes. A connection that lasts till the end. More than likely, you and this woman will be exchanging communication for years to come, so it's a special relationship between a birthmother and the adoptive parents.

Every day I say to my husband-today we could get a call that could change our lives! Even thought adoption is an emotional rollercoaster. Every day, I am filled with hope that one are one day closer to finding our son or daughter! I have to believe that and approach every day like it's a new day. So far 2007 has been much kinder to me than 2006 and I think the best is yet to come!

My sister is so Naive

My sister is 35 years old, went to college, is married with two kids. How could she be so naive? We grew up in New York for God's sake. We lived in New York City as children.

We were talking about Anna Nicole Smith and I was talking about how she took meth while pregnant (the thought of which just kills me). Today, I had to explain to her what meth was. She had no idea what it was, why people use it, etc. Hello!!! My grandmother is 80 and she knew what Meth was. I even told her that people were using sudafed to make Meth and that is why it's behind the counter now at the pharmacy. I guess maybe the word to describe her is oblivious!

Last week she was in shock for days because a friend (female) told her that another mutual friend of theirs (also female) was hitting on her and did it more than once. My sister was absolutely shocked. Her flirtatious friend could not be interested in another woman! No way, impossible! She has a good job, she has two kids, a husband, goes to church and doesn't curse! Well obviously there is another side to her. My sister said for days, "I can't believe so and so would make a pass at a woman". Believe it sister!!!

I guess that makes me the streetwise one, I don't think anyting could shock me at this point. I have seen, witnessed and heard too many things in my life to have anything really phase me! Maybe I have become desensitized and have a broader view of life. Whatever the case, she needs to get with the program, research stuff and read the newspaper. I think my seven and nine year old neices are a little more savvy that she is when it comes to certain things!

Guilty as charged

Well today I concluded my Jury Duty service. I was juror number four on a criminal felony case involving drug possession charges (large quantity of marijuana). I felt lucky. It could have been a more upsetting, difficult case like a rape or manslaughter or murder. Even the judge says this was a walk in the park. I don't have to serve for at least another six years.

All and all the experience was very interesting. The people on the jury were so nice. We had a woman make lowfat brownies, a man buying cookies and another woman bringing in a coffee pot, milk and coffee from home! We did deliberate carefully and reached a unimous verdict. It was wierd when we walked back into the courtroom for the verdict to be read. I tried not to let it show on my face, but I could not look at the defendent. His case was so weak, even the judge told us later that he was suprised this made it to trial-it should have been plea bargained. We found him guilty of two charges of drug possession. His defense attorney really had no defense and the prosecution met their burden of proof.

The judge talked to us afterward and we later found out the defendent had other drug charges as well as an assault charge against him and was looking at five years in prison in Maryland. It made us feel better about find him guilty, because we really tried to be fair and give him the benefit of the doubt. He also had some interesting stories to tell us about the process and the law. How his bench is made to be bullet proof and how it can protect him if shots are fired, that he keeps a gun when on the bench for serious crimes, how 92% of criminal cases are pleaded and never make it to court, etc. I found him to be good looking too! That did not hurt! He acted differently when talking to us then when he was in the courtroom.

All in all, it was a good experience and I do recommend everyone be a juror on a case at least once in their lifetime. Everyone hopes to get off jury duty, but sometimes being on a case can be a good thing. I feel good tonight. I feel like for once my opinion did matter. I feel like the justice system does work. I feel proud to live in a country with such an advanced system of justice. Juror number four has done her civic duty.

Hoping to help my friends in their adoption search

I have met so many wonderful families on my adoption journey, it is truly amazing! I met Crystal (and Kyle) back in the fall in an adoption forum. We are alike in many ways, ambitious, bright and very creative when it comes to ways of getting the word out about our plans to adopt. Crystal sends me adoption situations whenever she can as well as helpful sites when we can post ads. She "plugs" us and our adoption website whenever she can! It makes me so happy to know that she truly keeps us in mind.

So I would like to take a minute to give Kyle and Crystal a "plug". They are a Christian couple from Indiana who would ove to adopt a baby or toddler of any gender or race. I'm sure they will make terrific loving parents! Please visit their website and keep them in mind if you know of an adoption situation:

http://ourjourneytoadoption.blogspot.com/


When we do adopt, I plan on turning our adoption homepage into a page saying we adopted and listing some info about the baby as well as a picture. I also plan on turning the rest of the page to a place where other adoptive parents can link to their adoption websites at no charge. I just want to give a little back to the adoption community-"Pay it forward" as they say.

Goodnight my angel...

Today marks one year since we surprisingly found out are baby due in September 2006 had no heartbeat. I started feeling sharp pains in my abdomen and back the day before. I was at work and they were so strong they brought me to my knees. I thought it was bad gas pains and they waxed and waned all day long. In the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't good, but was hoping it was something else.

I decided if I had the pain the next day (Feb 8th), I would go to the doctor. Well the pains returned and I started to get really worried. The doctor wanted me to come in for a ultrasound, so I did after work. I did not even bring DH, thinking it was gas or some unrelated gastro problem. I was shocked and speechless when they said the baby had no heartbeat. She (we later found out it was a girl) had a perfect heartbeat at 7 weeks. The doctor has known me for years. He was kind and advised it probably was a chromosomal abnormality and was for the best. He said it appears the baby stopped growing in the last day and the pains were probably very much related to the loss.

He was right. We later found out it was a girl and she had Turner's Syndrome which is a very common cause of miscarriage. I have known quite a few to misscarry for the same reason. It still doesn't make me feel any better.

I was in disbelief and wanted one more sonogram before my D&C on the 10th. They humored me and did it. I was praying they were wrong, but they were not. The tech who has known me for years was nice enough to print off one final picture of my angel, who I look at all the time. I look at the little body that formed and the outline of the face and try so hard to see if I can make out the image of a face, but I can't. In my mind, she will always look like me. I cried for weeks and still do when the thought of her pops in to my head. We were undecided between naming our girl Gina, Gia, or Gianna. I think I could have won my way and she would have been Gianna.v She was due just a few days past my 37th birthday. She was to be my Virgo baby.

Goodnight my angel, I will remember you always, but especially on February 8th.

I'm amazed by the love of strangers...

I am so amazed at how many people see our adoption website and email me with
words of encouragement. It's surprising and reassuring. Perfect strangers email me to say how lovely my family is, good luck, tell their story as adoptive parents, or just to say they will keep us in their thoughts and prayers. One woman emailed me to today to wish me luck and tell me she works for a major hotel chain and when I need to travel, let her know and she will try to get me a huge discount! WOW-that was so nice of her!

That's the good thing about the internet. I can allow people to know more about me then just seeing an ad and a phone number and I think it is a huge advantage. A potential birthmom can quickly learn about us and see pictures of us and pictures are worth a thousand words. My website is getting much more hits and response then in 2002.

You know when you can really envision something happening. When it does happen, it's like deja vu! That's how I feel about adoption. I can fast forward a year in my mind and really see us with a baby, I really feel it's going to happen and everything will work out fine. The baby that is meant to be ours will be ours!

I do believe in the power of prayer. I have seen it work before and I believe it does work. Every person that prays for us will bring us just a little closer to finding the newest member of our family. Every single prayer counts-whether from friends, relatives or strangers. Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It means so much to us during this journey.

Happiness and sadness...

Happiness-the issue of People Magazine (February 12, 2007) finally came out with the picture and story of my online friend Jess and how she adopted her daughter Ryann. Page 103 features a picture of her little cutie and Debbe Magnuson, the head of Project Cuddle. I have been waiting for this for a month! I am so excited. It was my posting about Project Cuddle in an adoption forum that prompted Jess to resubmit their application-they had submitted one well over a year ago and heard nothing. That was in November and they had one near adoption in December from Project Cuddle and another call on 12/31/06 which turned out to be the real deal and Ryann is the happy result of this unusual chain of events. The Beins are enjoying Ryann and their son Brady who is also adopted!

Sadness-two cases of newborn babies that were killed in NYC alone. A few days ago a dead newborn was found in a trash compactor. Yesterday a 14 year old girl from Brooklyn gave birth in her room and then threw the newborn out the window! She hid the pregnancy from her family. These are cases where rescue groups could have helped these young women. They could have called Project Cuddle even after giving birth and would have been helped. Here is the sad story of the case in Brooklyn. There are hundreds if not thousands of families in the tri-state area who could have adopted this baby on short notice.

Newborn baby found dead in Brooklyn

My daughter's first real haircut!

On Wednesday January 24th, my daughter got her first real haircut. We had been trimming her hair here and there. I really butchered her bangs in November, just before school pictures too!! She was born with little to no hair and lost what little she had. By the time she was one we could gather just enough hair to put a bow in it and it was straight. Around 18 months it started to get longer-and curly overnight. Her hair is so thin and fine. It grew in so slowly. It's longer than it really looks, but curls up a lot!

We went to a kids salon called Snip it which just opened in our town. She was very excited about the haircut. We had to wait, since they don't take appointments, but she was good. They were really nice there and even gave me a discount for waiting (that was nice). She got the works-cut, blow, and wash! It was so cute and kid friendly there!!!

My little girl is growing up!!

Isn't it Ironic-don't you think???

January 22nd is Ironic in so many ways. It's my grandmother's birthday. She turned 80 yesterday! (Happy Birthday Grandma! :) ). It was my due date for my daughter. She wound up being born by C section January 7th, 2003. It's the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade.

When I was pregnant and my due date had finally been pinpointed to January 22nd, I was excited. We thought for sure she was a boy but wanted to be surprised. I really wanted to name the baby Jenna if it was a girl, after my grandmother Jennie. My husband would not agree to it, saying the girl would be made fun of for having the same name as adult start Jenna Jamieson. He still feels this way. We settled on Jacqueline for a girl, but were pretty convinced the baby was a he.
As things turned out, I decided on a C section the week after Christmas and I had her on January 7th, about two weeks earlier than she was due. How cool would it have been for my grandma to have a namesake born on her birthday? Didn't work out that way.

Yesterday marked 34 years since Roe vs. Wade. Still surrounded in contraversy, some oppose it and some defend it. As a hopeful adoptive parent, I would hope more women would keep their babies and place them with families, but the flip side of me understands how for some women the best option given the situation, is abortion and I respect that. Coincidentally, when I was just about 20 weeks pregnant with my baby due January 22nd, they discovered a startling heart problem. The babies heart was on the other side of her chest. My fears of low amniotic fluid and bedrest were out the door-we had bigger problems now. Lots of the symptoms I was having were caused by her heart problem-low amnoitic fluid, baby small in size, gestational diabetes, my cord to the baby only had one vessel. The doctors first told us they thought the baby had heterotaxy syndrome. A very rare disease where all the organs in a babies body are reversed. The prognosis
is not good at all. The doctor said to my face, we should consider termination.

TERMINATION-at 20 weeks? The miracle baby that took years to conceive. I was
so startled and hurt. We immediately said this is not an option. As long as this baby's heart is beating, the pregnancy will go on. God should decide if she lives.
God won't give me more than I can handle. I was so scared. They let me out of
the hospital crying, so I can see a few specialist in New York City and find out
more of what's going on. After a long week of crying and worrying and daily trips to New York City, it was determined that the baby's heart was on the opposite side of her chest, but all organs were in the correct place. We started going to a ediatric cardiologist who then confirmed we were very lucky and all the bloodflow was correct. We were cautiously optimistic with the diagnosis of Dextrocardia (heart on the reverse side of her chest). We still had many weeks to go. I just prayed he was right and my baby would not have to have any major operations, I don't know if I could have taken it.

The week after Christmas, I decided I should have a C-section, after my OBGYN
suggested it. It would be less risky for the baby. A special team would be there
for the baby when it was born, prepared to handle a possible serious heart problem. I could never have forgiven myself if the baby stopped breathing or had complications from a natural delivery. She was born at 9:41AM fiesty and crying. I prayed just before the C section that the baby would be born pink and crying, so I would know everything is OK-no more scares. She was pink, crying, and in excellent health when she was born. The nurses were yelling out to me as they were cleaning her up "She's fine, she's perfect". Our pediatric cardiologist came to the hospital to check her out that day and said it was just as he thought and she was fine.

I thank God every day for my miracle baby and how I did not listen to a doctor.
She is unique and special. Even on the worst days, she is the light of my life.
From the minute I knew I was pregnant, she was a life to me.

I found the most wonderful adoption support board!

The other day, I found the most wonderful adoption support board ever! Everyone was quick to offer and advice and greet me! I didn't even feel like a newbie. It's great for women in all phases of adoption-even post adoption. Terrific advice, information and adoption stories (both domestic and international) .

I love going to this board....I hope adoptive parents find it helpful as well! No trolls or scammers here, just a group or lovely ladies offering each other support!!!

http://www.rubber-ducky.org/carolynsboards/

Update on baby in Oklahoma

Well just to keep everyone up to date-here's the latest...

The baby boy in Oklahoma is still available. I know he was 7 pounds 6 oz at birth and his birthmom named him Jerimiah (ironically, we were going to name him Jerry). He was born around the first of the year. She was thrown in jail right after his birth, I am assuming to endangering the welfare of a minor (she came in high to deliver the baby). She will be in jail until at least April and hopefully will be getting her act together. Her sister emails me and says that she (the birthmom) doesn't want to the tribe to get the baby, but probably will never be capable of raising the baby, so he will be up for adoption eventually. She still has not relinquished rights.

I am assuming he is in foster care right now, which just kills me. Things could have worked out so much better for this poor little baby. I guess we still have a remote shot for this baby, as the birthmom likes us, but there is a lot of information we would need to know before going forward.
I will just stay in touch with her sister who is really nice and helpful and we have quite a bit in common. Our kids even have the same birthdate.

*********************
We also started newspaper advertising. I thought that was pretty much a thing of the past, but heard a few encouraging adoption stories where connections were made via newspaper ads. I thought the internet was the way to go, but I could be wrong. We'll give it a shot. I am also advertising in NY and PA, so things would be easier if the birthmom were a few hundred miles away and not a few thousand miles away.

This January is tough!

This January has been tough. My daughter had a bout with some terrible viral thing that caused high fever and a trip to the ER for dehydration. My husband has also been sick and I have had bronchitis for over a week.

I think the reason it's so tough is the reminders. Last year on my daughters' third birthday (January 7th), we announced to our families, I was pregnant. A month later I had a miscarriage. I got pregnant again later in 2006 only to have another miscarriage. That baby was due Jan 30, 2007 and I was eyeing 1/16 as the c section date. A co worker of mine is due January 30th and less than happy about her little surprise. She has two older children and did not want another. She said when she found out she was pregnant, she took a week off from work and just cried for a week straight. Well. She's having a C section this week. I guess you could call it a reversal of fortune for both of us. I cried for a week when I had miscarriage number one and cried for three days straight for miscarriage number two. I can't even listen to certain songs as they remind me of what I have lost. One that brings tears to my eyes in Lee Ann Rimes "Probably wouldn't be this way".

Every day I have hope that the phone could ring and one phonecall could change our lives. I have to believe that. Our adoption could be one phone call away. Every day I pray that our little miracle will find us through adoption and our family will be complete. I guess I will have to patient and pray that another little one is meant to join our family!

I did a good thing!!!

I am so excited. I helped a family adopt a baby!

Project cuddle is a wonderful organization where adoptive families can sign up and be a rescue family at no charge. You may get matched with a birthmom or be matched with a baby recently born. I posted project cuddle info on one of my adoption boards and it sparked an adoptive mom to resubmit her application. Their profile was shown to a potential birthmom due in three months, but that situation did not work out. Then on 12/31 , they were informed of a baby born that morning that needed a home. This baby girl is now theirs! AND Poeple magazine is doing a story about project cuddle and will be featuring them. Let me pat myself on the back a bit.

Here's project cuddles website:

www.projectcuddle.org

Congrats Jess and family!

Have we found our birthmother??

We may have. I got an email Wedneday night from a woman in Oklahoma City whose sister is due January 9th!!! Yes that soon! On Friday night I spoke to the birthmom and she is interested in us. I called our lawyer and spoke to her. The birthmom is native American Indian (Choctaw) and the tribe must approve the adoption. She said she will make a bunch of phone calls first thing Tuesday morning to find out if the tribe will approve the adoption. So we are in a holding pattern. I have been emailing the sister every day and she has sent me pictures and even a sonogram of the almost due baby-who is a boy! The seem like nice caring people and we will send them photos and updates of the baby if this adoption is a success.

We do want to obtain the medical records of the birthmom before we commit, but we are hopefully optimistic the tribe will agree to the adoption. Our lawyer has handled Native American Adoptions before is knows what to do.

In the meantime, the Christmas tree must come down ASAP, we are having two parties for our daughters birthday next weekend-Saturday for kids and Sunday for family. Who knows, we may be going to Oklahoma shortly after that!

I'll update as soon as I know more information!

Happy New Year!! 2007 is starting off promising!

What a great Christmas!

Just a quick post to say what a great Christmas we had. I think everyone liked the presents I bought! That made me happy. Good food (too much of it), good times with family and lots of nice gifts.

The best part was seeing our daughter's reaction to the gifts! She checked to see if Santa came and then went running into our room screaming 'He Came! Santa was here!" She was loving opening the gifts and playing with them. Lots of WOWs and excitment. It make everything worth it. This is what Christmas is all about! Kids loving presents! She is at such a great age! Although she is afraid of Santa, she was happy that he came and ate some cookies! She was excited that the reindeer ate their carrots too!

I hope she is this enthusiastic about Christmas for years to come. She even wore her Christmas dress all day long. She is my princess! Maybe next year there will be one more little person to spoil!

So I really have to go to work tomorrow???

A Difficult Christmas

This year will be a difficult Christmas. It was only a few days after Christmas 2005, that I discovered I was pregnant. Almost a Christmas miracle. In my mind, I had fast forwarded to Christmas 2006 and a photo my TWO children. I should have been holding a four month old baby right now. I keep thinkingI should have been buying little presents for our little one. Blocks, rattles, infant toys, maybe some clothes.

Just having one more healthy baby would have made me complete. I know the first Christmas after a loss is hard. At least I have on little sonogram picture I can look at from time to time. I look and stare and hold it under light and try to see anything distinguishable, but I can't. Just a little tiny bubble of a baby at 9 weeks with arm buds, tiny leg buds and round little head. She will forever be 9 weeks in my mind and in my heart. I will never get to know what she would have looked like or been like. That's the part of miscarriage that bothers mothers so much, it's the death of a person you never got to know and can only imagine. My gut feeling was right and we did find out the baby was a girl. That's all I will ever know. I will remember my two angels every always, but this year is the hardest by far. Only the mother of an angel will ever understand.

My husband I can't wait to say goodbye to 2006, the year we swore would be our best back in January 2006 when I was newly pregnant and everything looked fine. We are looking forward to 2007 and hopes that a 2nd child will join our family through the miracle of adoption. 2006 was a disaster on almost all accounts. I have even gained a noticable amount of weight from the infertility drugs and stress. Next year will be better-it has to be.

Our homestudy is complete!!

I feel so relieved. Our homestudy was completed Monday night and it went very well. We should get the report in a few weeks. I feel like celebrating. I was so scared and worried about how well I should clean my house and I worried myself far more than I needed to. It really was not hard at all. The paperwork we had to do in advance was trying at times, but it's so worth it!

If a situation were to arise where the birthmom chose us and is due tomorrow, we could take custody of the baby. How exciting to know that our lives can change on a moments notice! I am now working on our "Dear Birthmother Letter" and profile. Our website looks good although I may tweak that too..

http://ouradoptionplan.com

Our daughter doesn't really know what's going on. We wil tell her cautiously when it seems we are matched. I told her a lady was coming to our house to do a report on our family and she wanted to meet her.

I can't wait to start advertising in January (wait until the holidays are over) and put our profile on parentprofiles.com.

I really think we will be matched soon. Our social worker and laywer also feel we will be lucky in a short time!! I'm smiling from ear to ear.

Open Letter to a mother who abandoned her newborn

Dear Birthmom who abandoned her baby,

What were you thinking? You left a newborn girl with the umbilical cordstill attached in an unlocked carthis morning in a parking lot in Victory Gardens, NJ. It was litterallyfreezing outside and probably nearly as cold inside the car. A few blanketssurrounded the baby. Luckily someone found her after only half an hour andshe is doing great. Haven't you ever heard ofsafe haven laws? You could have left that baby safely at a fire department,police department or hospital with no questions askedand faced no criminal charges. You could have made an adoption plan weeksor months ago and blessed a luckycouple with this baby girl. There are dozens of sites likeparentprofiles.com where birthmother can locate adoptive parents.

I called St. Claire's hospital in Denville, NJ to inquire about your littlegirl and the possibility of adopting her. The womanI spoke to was touched at how concerned I was for your baby. Once I saw thepicture of this little girl with black hair,I had to try to do something. She almost looks like me when I was born.They took my name and number and said someonewould get back to me, but in all liklihood, she would be going through theNJ State adoptive services system. Since Ilive in NY, chances are slim that I have a real chance at adopting yourbaby. What a shame. If only you would have reachedout, you would be better off for it, your baby would be and a family wouldbe celebrating a little girls birth at a NJ hospital.

Please please please! Any woman thinking of abandoning a newborn orbaby-think safe haven or make an adoption plan.I know you are scared-but there is help out there. Make the right decision.Don't face criminal charges. You may havemade one mistake by getting pregnant-don't make a 2nd mistake and abandon apoor helpless baby possibly leaving it to die.

Here is the news story about this:
Baby found abandoned in a car in NJ

I want to make a difference

The other day I read a horrifying story on how a newborn was found dead in a shopping bag at a Long Island, NY train station. The baby was probably left sometime after midnight and not discovered until 9:30AM the next morning. Hundreds walked pasted the bag thinking it was garbage that did not fit in the trash can. That makes me sick that someone could kill a baby and leave it or leave it die. There are safe haven laws in NY. All the mother had to do was bring the baby to a police station, fire dept. or hospital and the baby could have lived and be adopted and she would not be facing criminal charges. There are thousands of couples that would have jumped at the opportunity to adopt this poor little normal sized newborn baby boy who never had a chance at life.

This happens all over the country a few times a week. Do these women not know about safe haven laws? They must be scared teens that hid their pregnancy and are afraid to even show their faces for a second at a local hospital. I heard some safe havens are getting a baby drop off.
There is a window that can be opened on the outside and a baby placed on a tray. The person making the dropoff can ring a bell which alerts staff to come to the window and that a baby has been dropped off. Would that help in reducing the instances of this happening?

My best friend said I could make a difference. I need to do something to spread the word about safe haven laws. I could contact local TV stations and see if they would air 15 or 30 second spots about the safe haven laws for free. I know some TV producers from my TV production days that would probably do some simple commercials for little to no money. I could contact project cuddle about advertising nationwide to try to help reduce the number or abandoned infants. I really feel I can and should make a difference!

As soon as my homestudy is complete, I will be sending in our application to be a rescue family for project cuddle. Visit their website and learn how you can help!