A Difficult Christmas

This year will be a difficult Christmas. It was only a few days after Christmas 2005, that I discovered I was pregnant. Almost a Christmas miracle. In my mind, I had fast forwarded to Christmas 2006 and a photo my TWO children. I should have been holding a four month old baby right now. I keep thinkingI should have been buying little presents for our little one. Blocks, rattles, infant toys, maybe some clothes.

Just having one more healthy baby would have made me complete. I know the first Christmas after a loss is hard. At least I have on little sonogram picture I can look at from time to time. I look and stare and hold it under light and try to see anything distinguishable, but I can't. Just a little tiny bubble of a baby at 9 weeks with arm buds, tiny leg buds and round little head. She will forever be 9 weeks in my mind and in my heart. I will never get to know what she would have looked like or been like. That's the part of miscarriage that bothers mothers so much, it's the death of a person you never got to know and can only imagine. My gut feeling was right and we did find out the baby was a girl. That's all I will ever know. I will remember my two angels every always, but this year is the hardest by far. Only the mother of an angel will ever understand.

My husband I can't wait to say goodbye to 2006, the year we swore would be our best back in January 2006 when I was newly pregnant and everything looked fine. We are looking forward to 2007 and hopes that a 2nd child will join our family through the miracle of adoption. 2006 was a disaster on almost all accounts. I have even gained a noticable amount of weight from the infertility drugs and stress. Next year will be better-it has to be.