These are just tidbits of my life...my thoughts..my fears and everything I am up against. Many women will probably find something here they can relate to.
I hope everyone is having a great Halloween. It's a beautiful 60 degree fall day here in NY. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays! I have fond memories of dressing up, having Halloween parties and trick or treating in my NYC neighborhood! We used to bob for apples at our Halloween parties-now that I think of it, it was really unsanitary to do that! Oh well, we were having fun!!
For those of you who are parents, enjoy the day with your little ones! For those of you who are not yet parents, I hope next year you are celebrating with a little pumpkin of your own!
Here are pictures of my pumpkins taken the other day! My older daughter is a ballerina and my younger daughter-a fuzzy chick/duck!
Last week a friend and I were having lunch at a local diner and trying to catch up. My 17 month old was with us and being quite vocal. The waitress was a middle aged woman who thought she was just adorable and went on and on how cute she looked. Then she started to ask me "Is she your daughter?" and I said she was. Then the conversation started to turn to-she doesn't look like you-who does she look like? She kept insisting that she didn't look at all like me. I didn't want to lie and start making up that she looks like other people in the family.
My friend, who is a grandma, and a middle aged woman was getting more frustrated than I was. Finally SHE SAID "She looks like herself!". I agreed saying "she's a one of a kind!". My friend chimes in "Your nieces are total opposite in looks-one dark haired and dark eyed and the other blond hair, blue eyes" She was right. She seemed almost more offended by it than I was. I am open about my daughter's adoption to friends, neighbors and family, but I don't feel that people like restaurant staff, cashiers and people I will interact with for a few moments of my entire life, need to know she is adopted. Maybe the waitress suspected it, but I think it was wrong of her to really question me over and over again about who she looks like!
My sister looks Italian and my older niece looks Irish and German like her Dad and has light hair, freckles and very blue eyes. People have outright asked my sister if her daughter was "really hers" or if she was adopted. Does every father and son have to look alike? Does every mother and daughter? Genes do blend. Kids can resemble grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles.
So, here's a tip for adoptive parents and future adoptive parents. You don't have to disclose your child's adoption to EVERYONE. You pick and choose who you want to know about it. Think of ways to answer awkward questions like this-so you are prepared. At some point, they will come up. People say the dumbest things sometimes. People say the dumbest things a lot of times!
Why would someone pretend to be pregnant and lead a couple to believe she wanted them to adopt her baby? Good question! Dr. Phil did a show on this last year. My phone was flooded with calls from concerned relatives and friends as we were in the middle of advertising when the show aired.
We did meet up with a scammer-she led us along for two months and I am quite sure she had done it before. By the third phone call, I did not believe her. I had done some internet research on this woman from a small town in Arkansas and I knew she was lying, but never let her know my suspicions. She never did provide my lawyer with proof of pregnancy. Then I pushed the envelope. I said my husband and I wanted to fly down one weekend and meet her. All of a sudden, her ex boyfriend was back in the picture and they were raising the baby-just like that. I never heard from her again. Amazing huh? She probably moved onto a new couple. Although no money changed hands-it was costly. All the hours she and I talked to my attorney at $250 an hour, all the paperwork fedexed back and forth that she never filled out, and that slight, false hope we had, that maybe, just maybe, she really was pregnant.
These scammers are not out for the money, they love the attention. They may be lonely and lacking self confidence. They may even be mentally ill. They like knowing they are important to hopeful adoptive parents. Some will carry it really far and send fake sonograms and medical reports. They really are out to hurt others and need counseling desperately.
Emotional scammers pray on adoptive parents, more so, couples that are adopting independently, but some are known to even fool adoption agencies. Unfortunately, once this happens to you, it breaks your trust and you tend to doubt every call you get from an potential birthmother-your guard is definitely up.
Depending on the severity and if money was taken, scammers can be prosecuted and spend time in jail. It doesn't take away the pain a couple feels after having their hopes dashed that soon they would be parents.
If you doubt the birthmother you spoke to is really pregnant, let your adoption attorney do some investigating for you. Sometimes they can call other lawyers and find out if she has been telling the same or similar stories to other couples. Also, check the adoption scam sites, although scammers frequently used different names, email addresses and locations. Beware, be careful, but don't lose faith in the process-it does work!
Here are a couple of great adoption scam sites, you should check frequently:
Creating an adoption profile can be tricky. It takes time, and it's best to work on it a little at a time, as opposed to trying to sit down and write it all at once. The good news is, it will probably closely resemble your adoption website, so the work you are doing will save you time when you create your adoption website.
Microsoft word is a good way to create your profile. It's not easy to get backgrounds to look good though. Writing text and inserting pictures is easy enough though. If you are savvy with adobe photoshop or a card creating software, like Greeting Card Deluxe Factory 2, you can get better results. It's not easy to work with more advanced software, but the results are much more pleasing, at least to the eye! You don't want to make your profile so hi tech looking that it's difficult to read or intimidating. You want it to look nice, since it may be your first impression and you never get a second chance to make a first impression. I DO NOT recommend handwriting a profile and attaching pictures, please find someone who can type it up for you, once you have written out what you want it to say.
Write in simple, straightforward language, you can't assume potential birthparents will understand you if start using complex words and phrases. Use a font that is easy to read and large enough to be read without difficulty. Pick out and include pictures of you with your partner, extended family, and friends. Include pictures of you doing things you like to do. Make it have a personal feel. After reading the profile, a potential birthparent should feel like that got a good glimpse into your life.
Finally, make sure you print out the profile on a decent quality color printer. I recommend keeping the original printout and taking it to office max, staples or some other place that can do color copies at a reasonable price. Make a few copies of your entire profile and keep them on hand to give to potential birthparents. You can always make more from the originals if needed.
If you find that creating a profile is too complex, and need help, or your you can contact me through my business website for assistance at a reasonable price. Remember, your adoption profile is like a resume and yours must stand out to increase your chances of being picked by potential birthparents.
I was called to adoption. I can't explain it, but it happened at a young age. I always felt I had some higher purpose in life and I do believe helping people adopt is it. I can't even describe it, but I feel I have a gift and I have to share it with others. I will not change the world, I'm not going to cure cancer and I won't end global warming, but I hope to change the lives of some families who hope and pray for a child to join their family through the miracle of adoption. It's a small task in the universe, but to those I help, it means the world. Jerricho Cotchery shares my call to adoption-for him it happened overnight, for me it was just engrained in me and grew as I got older.
I just read an interesting article about NY Jets #89 Jerricho Cotchery. His is not only a hero on the field, but off the field-to his one year old daughter adopted in September 2007. You can read more about his interesting story and the Cotchery's bumpy road to adoption. They hope to adopt again!
It's not new news that the economy is in terrible shape and a recession has already started. The stock market is falling, jobs are hard to get, unemployment is raising and the cost of living is far exceeding any kind of raises people are earning. Does the tough economy result in more babies being placed for adoption within the US? Are couples or women who are pregnant facing such a difficult time financially that they have no option then to place their baby for adoption?
I think, (and this is my personal opinion) that the US may see a SLIGHT increase in the number of babies placed for adoption as a result of the economy. During the great depression, it wasn't uncommon for people to drop off children at orphanages because they could not longer afford to feed and care for them. I don't envision things getting that bad, but I think the economy may make adoption an option to be considered for more women than we have seen in recent years.
On the flip side, many couples hoping to adopt may not have the funds available. Stocks and 401Ks that they were depending on to pay for adoption are now worth about half of what they were last year. Home equity lines of credit and personal loans are not so easy to get. The lack of availability of funds and uncertainty about their own financial future, may force some couples to hold off on adoption or not to pursue adoption at all-simply because they can't afford it. Even the tax incentives offered by the government are not nearly enough to cover most domestic adoptions.
In the end, everything will balance out-it always does. Slightly less couples may be hoping to adopt and slightly more babies may be placed for adoption. Hopefully this means that couples are matched sooner and that wait times for both agency and independent adoption are reduced. We can hope!
With much uncertainty over international adoption, domestic adoption is on the rise. 20,000 babies and children who would have entered the US and joined US families are now stuck in their native countries due to changes in the process and the slowing down of many popular international adoption programs, like China and Russia. It's truly a shame that children are spending time in orphanages when they could have been in their forever homes, being loved and part of a family.
With that said, the demand for domestic adoption has risen sharply in the last year. I noticed a shift in early 2008. Many adoption agencies have far more families registered than they have in previous years, some are no longer accepting new families and wait times have grown. Many who want to be proactive about adoption are turning to independent adoption, hoping to adopt sooner and avoid long wait times many agencies are advising clients.
I often go online and check some classifieds to see how many adoption ads they are running. Many papers who had no ads for weeks or months at a time, now have ads frequently and sometimes more than one ad running at a time. This just proves to me that more couples are turning to independent adoption as means to adopt a baby in a shorter timeframe. I am amazed at how many adoption ads are running in little known newspapers. Couples are really pulling out all the stops.
Another reason for heavy newspaper adoption advertising in New York is that Parent Profiles, a top site for hopeful adoptive parents going the independent route, is no longer accepting New York couples for legal reasons. In April of 2007, when we signed up for parent profiles, there were about 80 couples from New York on the site-the other day there were 13. It was mind boggling last year to see so many couples. I felt the competition was too heavy and too fierce. Of course shortly after I committed to spending $600 with parent profiles, our daughter's birthmother contacted us-through a newspaper ad!
Parentprofiles.com was the premier site for the last 10 years or so for hopeful adoptive parents. There are many more sites where hopeful adoptive parents can post a picture and link to your adoption website, but they are smaller and less known.
The shifts in adoption trends are event. My next post will talk about how the economy is affecting adoption.
Adoption efforts can be severely hampered if you are not emotionally over infertility. I have known some people who adopted, because they wanted to. They could have a baby, those CHOSE to adopt. They are usually very committed to the process. They are eager and ready to adopt.
I find that people (both men and women) who have not put infertility issues aside, are not mentally ready to adopt. They go through the motions, they fill out the paperwork, get their homestudy done, etc. Then they don't do what they need to to keep the process going. They drag their feet creating a profile, creating an adoption website, getting networking cards, etc. The drive is just not there because the are not 100% fully committed to adoption. Maybe they will get pregnant this month and they won't have to go through all this to have a baby. Maybe that's not a possibility, but they haven't completely come to terms with infertility. I know, that was me in 2001-2002. I was "living in two worlds". Each month hoping to get pregnant and each month passing with me dragging my feet on adoption tasks that my lawyer needed me to do. I know how it feels to be "on the fence". It's not conducive to a successful adoption.
In late 2006, when I met with our adoption attorneys they just knew. They knew that we were going to be successful in adopting and it was going to happen soon. they knew I had a fire in me that made me want to do everything possibly to adopt quickly-and they were right. My desire and committment to adoption made me order networking cards, do all our paperwork, get our homestudy done soon, create our adoption website, etc. as quickly as possible. We had an adoption situation that looked promising before our homestudy was approved. That's how fast I was moving. I was no longer "on the fence". We knew it was adoption, and only adoption that was going to make our family grow in 2007. I had given up on the idea of ever becoming pregnant again-and was OK with that.
If you are considering adoption, or in the process of adopting-whether it be domestic or international, independent or agency-make sure you are ready and committed to the process. It makes the process easier to handle and you are much more likely to do what it takes to help your baby find you in the soonest amount of time. If you are still dealing infertility issues and haven't fully come to terms with them-you may need to seek counseling or wait until you are emotionally ready to adopt.
My five year old is becoming more aware of things and I feel the need to explain. Very basic explanations at this point.
She was confused-at the end of dance class her friend was waiting to get picked up we waited with her. He mom did come a few minutes later. My daughter turned to her and said "who's that?". What my daughter never realized in the 13 months we know them, is that her friend has two moms. It's usually the other one that takes her back and forth to class, so she had not met her other Mom, but I had on a few occassions. I told her a boy in her class had two Dads (we only know them a month). We'd only been to one birthday party and I don't think she had any clue that one of her good little buddies had two Dads. I told her families come in different forms-mostly Moms and Dads. But there are families where they are just a Mom and kids, just a Dad and kids, grandparents raising kids, families with two moms and families with two Dads and that's all OK. They are all families and they children are loved! She seemed to understand that, but I wouldn't be surprised if questions pop up later this week. Her mind is always thinking.
My older daughter and I were on an adoption website later in the day. She was seeing caucasian families who had adopted Afro American or biracial babies and was surprised that a black child would have white parents. I think she was more fascinated by the idea. It's not something she has experienced (yet) in our small suburban community. We had to have another talk of how there are so many couples and families hoping to adopt, how thrilled they are to have a child and how the color of their skin is not important and that they are a family that loves each other. Being a family, being happy and loving each other are the most important things for a child. I guess it tied into the who family discussion that came up earlier today.
My daughter is naive, unassuming and innocent-which you should be at five. I know she is also bright, so I am sure more questions are to come and knowing her-detailed ones. I better start thinking of how to address them, because I know the questions will get harder! I got through today's round of questioning.
Much to my surprise, I am already getting quite a few calls and inquiries from hopeful adoptive parents, about my adoption advertising services. A few from the internet, but mostly referrals from friends in the adoption community as well as my attorneys. I haven't even reached out to ANY other attorneys or social workers yet! I'm enjoying helping people and can't wait to hear some adoption success stories!
I actually get on a high talking to folks about adoption. It's not because they may turn into clients-it's because I know even my conversations are helping them. i want to see folks succeed and adopt! I know adoption can be expensive, so I try to recommend cost efficient ways to get a toll free number, website hosting, newspaper ads and online ads. I also charge very reasonable rates, unlike the few people nationwide that do offer this service. I think in time, this could really snowball to be a nice, growing business that I can enjoy doing and make my own schedule.
I have high hopes for ADOPTION ADVERTISING. My only regret is that I didn't start this sooner!Visit my site, a few of my friends that it looked great (thank you homestead.com!):
I finally got to see "Then She Found me" on DVD. I liked it, for the most part. There were times I wanted to yell at the TV though. Here's a synopsis from IMDB:
"A New York schoolteacher hits a midlife crisis when, in quick succession, her husband leaves, her adoptive mother dies and her biological mother, an eccentric talk show host, materializes and turns her life upside down as she begins a courtship with the father of one of her students."
OK that's a lot to digest. Although the reviews were mixed, I just had to see it as much of the movie focused around adoption.
I hated when Helen Hunt asks her rich Biological mother to "Buy me a baby" That's not how you describe the means to becoming a parent-either through in vitro or adoption. I hurt when April (Helen Hunt) discovered that her baby had no heartbeat at 10 weeks (it happened to me twice). I was angry when Bette Midler (Bernice-biological mother) lied to April about how she came to be adopted by the Epners and that she wasn't three days old, she was one year old. It bothered me that April said her mother looked at her brother Freddy differently because he was their biological son. I have an adopted daughter and a biological daughter and don't look at them any differently.
The movie is definitely worth a look if you are involved in adoption. Women will like it much more than men-it's a chick flick for the most part. Parts were unbelievable. I didn't like her whole involvement with Frank (Colin Firth). The movie touched me on many different levels, so I connected with it-sometimes positively, sometimes negatively. Sometimes I couldn't tell whether adoption was being painted in a positive or negative light.
I know one thing, a birthmother never stops thinking of the child they gave up. I understand that and as a mother, and it brings tears to my eyes. It's a painful choice made for the sake of the child. I always say, my daughter found us...
A few days ago, Yahoo started posting election polls and coverage on their main page. This IS NOT a good thing for anyone. They have even put up a projected number of electoral votes, projecting Obama to have well more than the 270 needed to win.
This is unprecedented and preposterous. Based on polling, they are practically declaring Obama the winner. I am a supporter of Obama, but I think this public disclosure of projected states and electoral votes can only hurt the candidates-both of them.
We already know from election day 2000, that polling isn't the most accurate way to measure who people are voting for. The internet and TV news media are painting this picture of what states are for John McCain, what states are for Barack Obama and what states are "battlegrounds". In their quest to be the best and analyze this election as thoroughly as possible-they are confidently giving states to candidates with three weeks to go until election day. This is bad and really wrong if you ask me.
Obama supporters say, "My candidate has a pretty good lead and is going to win my state, I'm not going to vote". McCain supporters say, "Why bother to vote, it looks like McCain is going to lose anyway". People are influenced by these projections and maps. In fairness to both candidates and the American public, this kind of detailed analysis of not welcomed or fair. Let people decide for themselves, don't make this election a "done deal" before it happens!
We've had the most gorgeous weather the past few days and today was just spectacular. The skies were bright blue, the leaves are changing colors and the temperature was about 70 degrees. Needless to say, the local apple and pumpkin farm was packed with families in search of delicious apples and the most perfect pumpkin.
We headed out this morning as a family. We hit the pumpkin patch first and Jacqueline picked out our pumpkin, rather quickly too. Then we headed to the apple orchards. The best apples were at the top. Jenna loved running around and fell a few times, but didn't care. She ate quite a bit of a small apple where we were in the orchard. Of course, I took pictures. The one picture of me and the kids didn't come out so good. We took video too, so we'll see how that came out. Here's a few pictures of our adventure today...
When I watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy, my husband I are started looking at each other and just laughing. This is dejavu of my life minus the icicle of course. I'm honored to be my best friend's "person", but at what point do you decide you just can't take hearing it anymore. Going back and forth minute by minute, and hour by hour. Make up your mind woman!
I'm Cristina Yang and my best friend is Meredith Grey. We've had these conversations for hours and days on end. She can't make decisions regarding her husband when he was her boyfriend and she still doesn't know what to do now that she's married to him. I can't decide for you. Last week I told her what I thought, even though I know it's not what she wanted to hear, but as her "person" I felt I really had to.
My guess is this will go on for some time to come. Maybe it just comes with the territory of having a best friend that can't make major decisions about men! I guess it's nice to know I am not alone-there are other's like myself and Cristina Yang in the world!
If you live in the Tri-state NY area and are interested in obtaining information about domestic or international adoption, this conference is not to be missed! Lots of information to be shared about all aspects of adoption, including financing, choosing an agency, independent adoption, having a homestudy done, etc.
It's a great way to meet other people in the adoption community like adoption attorneys, social workers, agencies, other adoptive parents and hopeful adoptive parents. I can't tell you how valuable conversations with these folks are when you are trying to gather information.
Please visit the Adoptive Parent Committee's website and find out more information on the November 23rd event-it's one of the highlights of the year!
After much thought and research, I decided to start my own adoption advertising business. I want to use my knowledge to help others that don't know where to begin when it comes to independent adoption advertising.
I have been helping people for a year and a half. Giving advise, telling them where to advertise, best way to get a toll free number, how to create a profile, etc. I really enjoy talking about and learning about adoption. Every day I learn something new!
My adoption attorneys (who I love), Nina Rumbold and Denise Seidelman have been telling my for over a year, that I just have to do this. I would be so good at it. They have been wanting to send clients my way (and have already) My family and friends are in agreement that this is a gift I have that I need to share with others.
For a reasonable hourly rate, I will place ads for hopeful adoptive parents. I will also assist with profile creation, website creation, coaching you on how to speak to a birthmother, assist with the design of adoption networking cards, and answer your toll free number, if you can't. I do not give legal advice, just adoption advertising advice. I can help you start to make contact with potential birthmothers.
Being at my older daughter's school yesterday made me smile. It was my first time volunteering at the school bookstore which is only open 1/2 hour on Mondays and Wednesdays. Kids can come with their money and buy pencils, notebooks, erasers, highlighters. etc. for a small price and "shop". It's run by the PTA. As soon as I get there and ask for the key the school secretary tells me there is going to be a planned fire drill in 5 minutes (at least she gave me heads up).
The bell rings, I lock up the "store" (which is more like a supply closet) and go out the nearest exit, where I see my daughter's class leaving. She forgot I was going to be in her school and gets all excited to see me. I had to laugh-I haven't had a school fire drill in over 20 years. They seem to have them often at our school, especially when the weather is good. I found it so amusing, I just had to smile. Almost like a blast from the past, I got to relive an elementary school moment.
The fire drill killed 1/2 the time the store was to be opened, but after everyone got back in the building, I did have two "customers". One little blond boy was so cute. He had a $20 bill all crumpled up in his pocket and he wanted to buy a 50 cent pencil. I counted out $19.50 in change and told him not to lose the change and to make sure he gave it to his parents. He told me the $20 was his allowance! He was so cute and proud of his purchase, I just had to smile. Two smiles in half an hour!
I've waited for days of volunteering at school all my life and I'm happy to say, I am enjoying them! I'm lucky enough to get to do it for two kids! I'll be an old pro by the time my baby gets to kindergarten!
OJ Simpson was found guilty and will serve jail time!!!! 13 years to the day when he smiled after they found him not guilty for the murder of his wife and her friend Ron Goldman. Thirteen years since he got away with murder, and we all know that he did. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I remember working at home, being in my apartment, with my very heavy, large black and white laptop. Peering over the table waiting for the verdict to be announced. I thought for sure they would find him guilty. How naive I must have been at 26 years old.
When they announced the verdict my jaw dropped and I sat there in disbelief and anger. I can remember exactly where I was standing. It's almost the way people remember where they were when JFK was shot. I was angry that he would get away with this because he bought his way out of it. Angry because his children now had no mother and he was to blame. Angry because the justice system has failed as far as I was concerned.
The majority of Americans believe he was guilty of murdering his wife and Ron Goldman that that may have hurt him is his recent armed robbery trial in Las Vegas. Nobody has liked OJ since. I hope they throw the book at him and give him the maximum sentence. I hope he lives the rest of his life in prison. He'll probably just get a few years and then be out, but at least he will have to serve time-many people don't care if it is for armed robbery and not for murder. He finally will sit behind bars! Long, long overdue.
