Well late last night, best friend and I were on AIM for about 2 hours. Just chatting back and forth about usual daily stuff. She was talking about the future, stuff she has to give me, and on and on. Was she less angry or did she want me to believe things were going to be OK? I can't tell.
We left off that she would need some time, but she thought we could get past it. I took it as a positive and we had a nice chat. I did not want to ruin it by asking how she felt and continue the fight. We did not talk today. We were both busy at work. She emailed me about a Dr appointment she had because she knew I was concerned.
We'll see where this goes. I lost a couple of pounds by eating so much less! One good thing to come from this.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Another sucky day...
Well today was another sucky day thanks to best friend or former best friend I should say. I called her a left a voicemail at work trying to make amends. I got a nasty email back. I tried instant messaging her and we did that for over an hour. I said I was sorry and begged her to forgive me-she won't. I know I am a big schmuck. It turns out she's been analyzing my voice for quite some time and makes determinations of what I say not on what I say, but what tone of voice I say it in. Huh? She's mad because the tone of my voice has been different to certain things she had told me.
I was nice, not harsh. Trying to apologize, hoping to make amends. I thought she would be open to forgiving and letting it go. She said she can't take it anymore. Her husband says I am not welcomed in her house (which she owns) . She feels relieved to be rid of me. All I do is cause her stress. On and on. I got slammed pretty hard. I am upset, in tears actually, and I think the friendship is really really over. She has never been this resistant to trying to talk. She just thinks her life is better off without me. I can't understand it, 48 hours ago we were best friends.
I don't know what to say or do. Next week is her birthday to boot. I already bought the presents. I do make mistakes, and I do admit I am wrong and I do apologize. What kind of friend would not accept an apology? So I flew off the handle-don't we all from time to time. I am heartbroken, she was like a sister to me. I have barely eaten since it happened, but I can afford to lose weight. My appetite is gone, I just so down now.
I guess I will need to mourn for a few days. I am starting to think of it on a permanent basis. I'm almost thinking I should pretend she passed away. Maybe it's easier to accept the sudden absence from your life if you think of it in terms of death. Death of a friendship-cause of death-unknown.
Sorry this blog has been so negative, one day soon there will be something positive to write.
I promise! :)
I was nice, not harsh. Trying to apologize, hoping to make amends. I thought she would be open to forgiving and letting it go. She said she can't take it anymore. Her husband says I am not welcomed in her house (which she owns) . She feels relieved to be rid of me. All I do is cause her stress. On and on. I got slammed pretty hard. I am upset, in tears actually, and I think the friendship is really really over. She has never been this resistant to trying to talk. She just thinks her life is better off without me. I can't understand it, 48 hours ago we were best friends.
I don't know what to say or do. Next week is her birthday to boot. I already bought the presents. I do make mistakes, and I do admit I am wrong and I do apologize. What kind of friend would not accept an apology? So I flew off the handle-don't we all from time to time. I am heartbroken, she was like a sister to me. I have barely eaten since it happened, but I can afford to lose weight. My appetite is gone, I just so down now.
I guess I will need to mourn for a few days. I am starting to think of it on a permanent basis. I'm almost thinking I should pretend she passed away. Maybe it's easier to accept the sudden absence from your life if you think of it in terms of death. Death of a friendship-cause of death-unknown.
Sorry this blog has been so negative, one day soon there will be something positive to write.
I promise! :)
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Devastation is the word
Yes devastation is the word. My supposed best friend just picked someone else to be her daughter's Godmother and I found out today after asking her-the Baptism is three weeks away-hello! The baby I love so much, the friend I did everything for, the couple I was Matron of Honor for just two years ago. The woman I have known since 1998. The person I helped get a job at IBM. She knew I would be devastated by picking the other friend, but she did it anyway. She spared telling me the day I had my last miscarriage. Thanks for small favors. She's like a sister to me. She talks to me on the phone every single day telling me every detail of her life but yet she fails to mention it to me that I am not the Godmother. Tells me to give her my summer schedule, wants to see what weekends I am available so she can plan it. Gave me false hope. I am a good catholic, never slept around and go to church every week.
I guess I am upset because this person she picked is an old friend of hers who decided to become the number one friend. How I don't know. If she picked a good devoted friend, I'd be OK with it.
This person who will be the Godmother is not someone I think is a good catholic or example, let's just leave it at that. She's done things to hurt my friend in the past. My friend doesn't trust her and told that to me two months ago.
Am I crazy to be devastated??? What did I do to deserve the diss? I paid for her bridal shower in a restuarant-ca ching! I treated her to broadway plays, bought her great gifts, watched her kids, gave her rides, helped with parties, taught her how to ebay, etc. I did everything a friend could ever do for a friend. EVERYTHING. Now me and best friend are fighting and it will probably be the end of the friendship. She knew it would lead to this and she still did it. She did not even prepare me. It was going to be some big surprise. She avoided telling me the truth. I hate the dishonesty part of it.
I cannot even begin to explain how hurt I feel. I want to die. Am I crazy or do I have a right to be hurt?
I guess I am upset because this person she picked is an old friend of hers who decided to become the number one friend. How I don't know. If she picked a good devoted friend, I'd be OK with it.
This person who will be the Godmother is not someone I think is a good catholic or example, let's just leave it at that. She's done things to hurt my friend in the past. My friend doesn't trust her and told that to me two months ago.
Am I crazy to be devastated??? What did I do to deserve the diss? I paid for her bridal shower in a restuarant-ca ching! I treated her to broadway plays, bought her great gifts, watched her kids, gave her rides, helped with parties, taught her how to ebay, etc. I did everything a friend could ever do for a friend. EVERYTHING. Now me and best friend are fighting and it will probably be the end of the friendship. She knew it would lead to this and she still did it. She did not even prepare me. It was going to be some big surprise. She avoided telling me the truth. I hate the dishonesty part of it.
I cannot even begin to explain how hurt I feel. I want to die. Am I crazy or do I have a right to be hurt?
Monday, June 26, 2006
A sad anniversary...
Today marks one week since my 2nd miscarriage. It's my 2nd in just four months. Back to back miscarriages-I never thought that would happen to me. Funny thing is I had such a hard time getting pregnant for my daughter (it took 28 months). We had started to pursue adoption.
Now this time around getting pregnant is not the problem, it's staying pregnant.
Last week I was 9 weeks 1 day and we went for an ultrasound. I had been bleeding for a week and was in denial, hoping that it would stop any time now. I had also started cramping and had back pain. The ultrasound showed no fetal pole and no heartbeat. This pregnancy was troubled from the beginning with unexplanable low HCGs and everything running 2-3 weeks behind. I was scared out of my mind and we did not tell family about the pregnancy, almost knowing it would not have a happy ending. I know when I conceived and this just was not right. The Dr. thought the cause was chromosonal (again) but the pathology reports should come back next week to confrm the cause. We so badly wanted this baby. I was afraid to miscarry naturually and there was no time for a D&C so the Doctor performed an in office procedure to help me along and make sure the tissue could be tested. I don't know if it could be a fluke twice in a row. I guess we will see. If they test my husband and I and the results are pointing towards another chromosomal miscarriage, we just may adopt and move forward with our lives.
I hate telling my friends, I don't want pity. Just an "I'm sorry" will do. I have to carry on at work as if nothing happened, friends expect me to feel social and my daughter wants me to play with her. Life goes on. It has to. I hate when people say "At least you have your daughter". True, I have very grateful for my daughter, but when you want two kids and only have one, there is still a void in your life. I never understood that. When I could not get pregnant, I used to snicker at woman at the fertility specialist's office with two kids in tow hoping to get pregnant with number three. I used to think-"be happy with what you have". Now I understand them completely. It's almost ironic. I want my daughter to have a sibling. She wants a little sister, but we'd be happy with a boy or girl. I am so afraid that my husband and I will be gone someday and she will have no sibling and be alone in the world. Nobody to remember the family vacations, birthday parties and Christmases.
I never thought I would have one miscarriage, let alone two. My maternal side has never had a miscarriage-sister, mother and grandmother all had healthy kids. My father's side was not so lucky-my grandmother has six losses (in a row) and my aunt three. My grandmother managed to have two children and my aunt three, but they must have went through a lot.
I hope better days are ahead and I don't get caught up in sad anniversaries. One way or another I will bring another child into our family. Whether by birth or through adoption, we will be a family of four someday, just like I always wanted. Just thinking about that keeps me motivated and focused. Like Fleetwood Mac says "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow".
Now this time around getting pregnant is not the problem, it's staying pregnant.
Last week I was 9 weeks 1 day and we went for an ultrasound. I had been bleeding for a week and was in denial, hoping that it would stop any time now. I had also started cramping and had back pain. The ultrasound showed no fetal pole and no heartbeat. This pregnancy was troubled from the beginning with unexplanable low HCGs and everything running 2-3 weeks behind. I was scared out of my mind and we did not tell family about the pregnancy, almost knowing it would not have a happy ending. I know when I conceived and this just was not right. The Dr. thought the cause was chromosonal (again) but the pathology reports should come back next week to confrm the cause. We so badly wanted this baby. I was afraid to miscarry naturually and there was no time for a D&C so the Doctor performed an in office procedure to help me along and make sure the tissue could be tested. I don't know if it could be a fluke twice in a row. I guess we will see. If they test my husband and I and the results are pointing towards another chromosomal miscarriage, we just may adopt and move forward with our lives.
I hate telling my friends, I don't want pity. Just an "I'm sorry" will do. I have to carry on at work as if nothing happened, friends expect me to feel social and my daughter wants me to play with her. Life goes on. It has to. I hate when people say "At least you have your daughter". True, I have very grateful for my daughter, but when you want two kids and only have one, there is still a void in your life. I never understood that. When I could not get pregnant, I used to snicker at woman at the fertility specialist's office with two kids in tow hoping to get pregnant with number three. I used to think-"be happy with what you have". Now I understand them completely. It's almost ironic. I want my daughter to have a sibling. She wants a little sister, but we'd be happy with a boy or girl. I am so afraid that my husband and I will be gone someday and she will have no sibling and be alone in the world. Nobody to remember the family vacations, birthday parties and Christmases.
I never thought I would have one miscarriage, let alone two. My maternal side has never had a miscarriage-sister, mother and grandmother all had healthy kids. My father's side was not so lucky-my grandmother has six losses (in a row) and my aunt three. My grandmother managed to have two children and my aunt three, but they must have went through a lot.
I hope better days are ahead and I don't get caught up in sad anniversaries. One way or another I will bring another child into our family. Whether by birth or through adoption, we will be a family of four someday, just like I always wanted. Just thinking about that keeps me motivated and focused. Like Fleetwood Mac says "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow".
Sunday, June 25, 2006
This is the beginning
This is the beginning ...of my blog. So much to tell. Where do I start? I guess I have been a little behind with the whole blog thing. Surprising for me who was one of the first people on ebay-literally. I am a 36 year old woman, living outside of New York City. I work full time and love to ebay. I love to write and express my thoughts and take pictures with my digital camera. I am married with one adorable three year old whom I love to death. 2006 has been a rough year for me personally. Way too much medical drama going on, but I will leave that to future posts.
I have friends of all walks of life, all over the United States and am blessed with a wonderful family.
I have struggled with many obstacles in my life including asthma, allergies, lyme disease, endometrosis, infertility, miscarriage, job loss, an almost adoption, difficult friends, addictive personality, smoking, and weight issues. Some obstacles are still right in front of me while others have faded into the woodworks. Ok most of those obstacles are not only right in front of me, they are right in my face!
I have friends of all walks of life, all over the United States and am blessed with a wonderful family.
I have struggled with many obstacles in my life including asthma, allergies, lyme disease, endometrosis, infertility, miscarriage, job loss, an almost adoption, difficult friends, addictive personality, smoking, and weight issues. Some obstacles are still right in front of me while others have faded into the woodworks. Ok most of those obstacles are not only right in front of me, they are right in my face!
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