Why I love Halloween!

I was always a big fan of Halloween! I would dress up and get tons of candy. In the 1970s' my Bronx, NY neighborhood was very safe. Hardly any moms worked and you could start trick or treating by 3:30 and not have to wait until people came home from work. I swore I got so much candy I could barely carry the bag. If you were sick or it rained, it was catastrophic! The last stop was our next door neighbors. They always had special bags set aside for my sister, brother and I and there were loaded with GOOD candy-not the cheap stuff. I vividly remember my sister being a cowgirl one year, a nurse another. I was a football player, A ghost (my sheet ripped so fast) and the bionic woman. You had to love those flame retardant masks and costumes that were sold in every 5 and dime around the country. For $4.99 (which was a lot of money back then), you could be just about anybody popular! I remember my brother was four, he wanted to be a devil, so my mother bought him a devil costume-mask and all. He was so scared when he put it on-he cried his eyes out!

I'm disappointed this year. For the third year in a row, my daughter will not wear a costume. She says Halloween is scary and I had to return her $40 Snow White outfit. It was only a dress. We tried to put it on her Saturday and she cried to the point she started throwing up. Maybe next year! She is almost four and missing out on so much!

What I love about Halloween are the classic scary movies I grew up on. They show them on TV all week. The original Nightmare on Elm Street (Johnny Depp was so young and cute), Amityville Horror, The Exorcist, The Omen, Poltergiest, Friday the 13th, Carrie, and my favorite-Halloween! I don't like these new movies like Saw-too gory. I like the ones where they just frightened you and freaked you out for days! I LOVE the Charlie Brown Halloween special too! Oh the good old days!!! Halloween rules!! It makes you feel like a kid again!

Just thinking of my angels...

I've been thinking about my angels I lost through miscarriage this year. I can't wait to see them again! I know I will see my angel girls in heaven (whenever I do get there!). My prayers will be answered and we will finally get to see each other face to face. That will be a gift from God. Bad enough yesterday my daughters friend's Mom had a baby boy, so he is now a big brother. Then today at Dance class her friend Abby's Mom had a girl by C-section on Tuesday, so everyone was talking about her baby sister. She started in while we were in the car yesterday how she wants a baby sister. I told her someday and you never know it could be a brother (she did not like that). In my head, I am saying "you should have had one by now"

Here's a poem for my two angels-with love from Mommy....

Nobody Knew You

Nobody knew you
" Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn't have been very far along."
...existed.

Nobody knew you
" It's not as though you lost an actual person."
...were real

Nobody knew you
" Well it probably wasn't a viable fetus.
It's all for the best."
...were perfect.

Nobody knew you
" You can always have another!"
...were unique.

Nobody knew you
" You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!"
...were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you
...but us.

And we will always remember
...You.

~ By Jan Cosby, c/o Mothering Magazine

Last Night's Nip/Tuck

Last night's episode named "Connor McNamara" really hit a nerve for me. There were flashbacks to Sean as a child with a cleft palate. How he struggled and was made fun of and embarassed. His mother wanted to use his college money to get it corrected, but his father was against it. Said he did not need it, education was more important. Sean was ostracized and miserable as a child. His mother went pretty much behind his father's back and planned the surgery. His father left his mother shortly after that and the surgery was a big reason. Sean knew what it felt like to be made fun of and teased and didn't want his son to grow up that way if there was a way he could be helped. I can't blame him. I feel exactly the same way and would do whatever was necessary regardless of cost to correct such a problem, even if plastic surgery was the answer. I strongly feel this way and if my daughter has a problem that needs to be addressed through elective surgery, as long as it is safe, I will give my blessing and find the money to get it done.

The year was 1986. A girl was 16 going on 17. She hated herself since she was about 11 years old. Always crying and looking in the mirror hating what she saw. By the age of 15 she started asking her mother about plastic surgery. Of course, the Mom gave the usual responses-you are beautiful the way you are, you don't need to change a thing, etc. Eventually the Mom saw how unhappy her daughter was and started to research cosmetic surgery. Against the father's will, we made arrangements for the surgery. It would not be covered by insurance in spite of the medical necessity of a deviated septum that did exist. They found a Dr. they liked and scheduled the surgery for July 13, 1986. The father was dead set against this-saying it was unnecessary and if anything happened to the daughter, the mother would personally held responsible. He would never forgive her. The operation was a success the recoverly long and painful, but the results were stumnning. The daughter is thankful every day of her life. Thank you Mom for standing up for me and seeing why I had to have this surgery. The girl in the story is me.

Searchng for those who adopted privately

I'm hoping someone reads this and may be able to help me out. If anyone has adopted a baby privately (through an attorney), I have questions about advertising. We're not there yet, but I am gathering as much info as possible.

My friends adopted 10 years ago when the internet was not so widely used. I plan on posting our profile to a few key sites, but would still like to advertise in newspapers for a birthmom. I would like to advertise in a 200-300 mile radius from our home to start and then spread out to some key areas like the south and Arizona (highest rate of teen pregnancy in the US). Advertising is daily newspapers is very expensive, but some people say more people read those classifieds. Advertising in penny saver type weekly papers is much cheaper, so I could afford more advertising. Has anyone had experience with newspaper ads for adoption? Did you find weeklies or dailies to produce better results. I know people do look at pennysavers for tag sales and used cars, but will they find an adoption ad. If I go with a daily paper, how any days do I run the ad for??

If anyone has some advertising advice when it comes to private adoption, I would be very very interested to hear what worked for you, what year, how much you spent on advertising, etc.

Madonna adopting??

From what I have read this sounds like an adoption that should never happen. Taking a boy from an orphanage to adopt when the boy has a father is horrible!!! The boy was placed there with the hope that his father would be able to take him back and raise him. It was a tempoary situation. If she wanted to help the boy, she should have donated money to his father , so he can afford to take him back and raise him. Why take him out of his country and throw him into the limelight. My heart goes out to the kid and father. Money can't buy happiness. This boy may have the best of everything, but he won't have his father.

I think it is one huge publicity stunt. Her husband wasn't too fond of the idea and they made exceptions for her-she is Madonna of course! She wants to be like Angelina Jolie-at least Angelina did it from her heart.

It's an outrage! I feel so sorry for this boy. It's things like this that draw negative attention to adoption!

What people should NOT assume about adoption

It's interesting what people think. My best friend was so into helping us find a birthmom when we were adopting in 2001/2002. Now this time around, she is much less enthused. Her reasoning is because I have one child, at least I have something. She is more sympathetic to couples who have no children. I totally disagree. I used to feel like that, but I disagree. I guess she doesn't get it. That disappointed me that she even thinks that narrow mindedly.

I remember 10 years ago going to the infertility doctor for a follow up to a laproscopic surgery. There was a woman with a husband and two kids there. I was thinking-"How selfish of her." She has two kids-why is she here wanting another one? Now I understand. I want this next child just as much if not more than my daughter. I have felt pain in the last 16 months, a different kind of pain. There is a woman in my fertility friend group-she has four healthy children-she really wants number five. Every child is just as wanted and important as your first child. Your desire to have children will not end until you feel your family is complete. Right now my family is incomplete.

People feel bad for couples who have NO children. I do to an extent. Some have the means to adopt, but choose not to take that avenue for whatever reason and spend years frustrated with infertility. Even if you don't have money. You can apply to be a foster parent. There is a $10,000 government rebate, you can quality for grants and loans that you may not have to payback. When there is a will, there is a way. One woman was trying for 9 years to have a baby with her husband. She finally decided to move to adoption. Within three months of being approved, she and her husband were delight to adopt twin girls! All those years of heartbreak forgotten-just like that. She's so busy with her girls now! I bet if she knew it was going to work out that well, she would have decided to adopt years ago.

So many people (men and women) discriminate against couples hoping to adopt-one reason being that they already have a child. That to me is a positive! We have experience taking care of and raising a baby-we've done it. Our child will have an older sibling who talks constantly about having a little brother or sister (OK mostly sister) and would love him or her endlessly. we've been married quite a while for folks our age. We have so many positives that some folks will never see in us. That's OK, because I know the right birthmom will stumble upon us by way of newspaper ad, internet contact, etc and will take the time to get to know us and will entrust us with her child.

There are other forms of descrimination. Couples who are older, couples who are too young, same sex couples, couples not married a long time, couples where one person has a health problem. I can go on and on. I think everyone needs to be more open minded and respect others goals and wishes. Don't question people, just respect their decisions and give them a fair shake.

Just sharing a video called "I want to Live"

No works of wisdom today from me. I did come across a beautiful video I wanted to share with everyone. It's by a group called Rightbrothers and it's called "I want to Live". It's a wonderful video about choosing having a baby and giving it up for adoption as opposed to having an abortion. It brought tears to my eyes. It's not graphic, just a video about a girl in high school who finds out she's pregnant. Any woman facing an unplanned pregnancy should watch this-what an insight to how an unborn baby might think!

"I want to live" Video

Why I am mad at God

I have to say, in all honestly I have been mad at God since late August 2006. I was OK throughout most of what happened to me this year. 2006 has been a horrible year.

First, On February 8th, I find out my baby has no heartbeat. The heartbeat of 143 I saw two weeks ago is gone. I begged the doctor for a 2nd ultrasound the next day, praying they were wrong. He humored me and of course they were not wrong. I had a D&C on February 10th.

Next, On February 23rd, I wake up with what I think was extreme hernia pain. I can't move. I call in sick to work and send my daughter off to pre school. I am writhering in bed, wishing I would be dead. Finally after my father in law took me to the ER, it took seven hours for them to realize that I had appendicitis and needed emergency surgery that night. Twelve hours after I walked into the hospital, the did it. It did not rupture and I was lucky they were able to do it laproscopically. I have now been on the operating table twice in two weeks.

Fast forward to May 4th, 2006. I had planned to have my hernia operated on as I can no longer stand the pain and it going out all the time. It was a traditional surgery with a cut in the middle of my stomach which would up being twice and long as originally planned (the surgeon had to make the patch bigger than expected). I recover and about a week or so after that, I find out I am pregnant again.

I am happy but oh so scared. My doctor tells me not to worry so much. My first miscarriage was a fluke-a chromosomal disorder. I think I get zapped twice in a row. I thought wrong. The HCG numbers were always quite low, but always doubled. I was skeptical but hopeful. The day after Father's Day was our first scheduled ultrasound. My husband came with me. I needed him in case the news was bad. It was bad. Just as I thought. No heartbeat. Considered a blighted ovum. I went back to work and tried to be brave, only to suffer devastating cramps and have to go back to the doctors office where they performed a procedure to prevent me from miscarrying at home (which I did not want). A few weeks later I would discover I had parvo virus (5th disease) and it probably was a factor in this miscarriage.

My first miscarriage hit me the hardest. I still look at the ultasounds and bawl. I had a C- section date all picked out in my head- August 25th. The doctor thought this pregnancy was going to be a slam dunk and already started paperwork with the hospital for the C-section. I was going to be a Mom again shortly before I turned 37. My girls (we found out the baby would have been a girl) would have been 3 1/2 years apart-just what I wanted. Too good to be true.

All I can think of is I should be holding a 6 week old baby right now. I should be on maternity leave and showing her off to everyone. I should be sending out Christening invitations. Instead here I am confused, depressed and no closer to child number two.

I have not been to church since the last week of August. I was fine until then and then it hit me all at once. I won't be mad at God forever, but I sure do need a sign that something good is going to come my way. I need a sign that our second child is coming to us. I don't care if it grows in my belly or in my heart. We are waiting for you. Jerry is you are a boy or Gianna or Gina if you are
a girl!

My prayers to the Amish Community

I am still shocked by what happed to those Amish girls in Pennslyvania. What a tremendous loss to that community. Not only the loss of young, innocent lives, but the loss of innocence itself.
They are so loving and forgiving, they immediately forgave the gunman and extended themselves to his grieving family. WOW-that is mind boggling!

They are praying for his widow in their own time of grief. No hatred or ill feelings, just love and forgiveness. I am amazed by this.

If this can happen in an Amish community, it could happen anywhere right? Are our children really safe at school? Can this happen again? Last week there was a rash of school violence and shootings around the country. I don't think I could be as forgiving if it were my child killed in a violent attack on innocent school children?

What will the future hold for our kids? An armed guard at every school-even grammar schools?
What kind of world do we live in where our kids are not safe in a classroom.

My prayers go out to this Amish Community and every community that has been terrorized by violence in school. Let's hope we can put an end to this and figure out a way to keep our kids safe!

I have a new set of eyes...

No, I did not get new glasses or contacts. By virtue of being a mother, I got a new set of eyes and now have the ability to see things in a different perspective than ever before.

For example-I used to watch the movie Beaches and cry my eyes out. Why was I crying 15 years ago? Because I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a best friend like that at a young age. Why do I cry now? Because Whitney's little 6 or 7 year old daughter has to live the left of her life without a mother. I cry harder now than I used to. It really gets to me.

Same thing with Steel Magnolias. I used to cry when Shelby told her mother she was not supportive of her being pregnant. It made her so upset. Now I cry watching her mother at the cemetery carrying on, knowing a daughter is not supposed to go before her mother. How she was the first person to see her daughter come into the world and the last person to be with her when she left it. I now cry for the little boy she left behind who would live the rest of his life without a mother.

I think of lots of things differently than I used to. It's like my whole perception has changed and I am fine with the changes. It makes me feel like a real mother and that I was meant to be a mother. Some women never are able to break out of their selfish thinking. Luckily this new set of eyes works perfectly!! I guess I can call them Mommy eyes!!

A great night of bowling!

Well last night I so DID NOT feel like going to my usual Tuesday night bowling league, but I like my team and am commited to it, so I went. I had just gotten bad news about a blood test I had drawn last week.

I had 5th disease (Parvo virus) in June 2006. I did not know I had it, how I got it and I had NO symptoms. It was discovered in bloodwork when I had my miscarriage. The Doctor thinks the parvo was a big factor in that miscarriage. He said the levels should be down to nothing in 4-6 weeks. Last week. I had a mysterious fever and rash on my arm. I called the Doctor and they said I should check and see if the parvo was gone (and I should have an immunity). WRONG. I find out yesterday, I still have it in my bloodstream-which is highly unusual. My best friend had a case like this and it lasted almost a year. No wonder why my back feels arthritis like pain. I am so upset.

Back to bowling. My average just went down like 16 pins because of how bad I was bowling.
I decided not to wear my usual arm brace because I think it had something to do with the rash.
I bowled a 167 the first game, a 245 the 2nd game and 182 the last game. Oh my God. 245 was the highest I bowled in my life. Next week my average will go up about 17 pins and I will have high series, high game and high handicap series. It was nice that the other two games were decent so I could have a good series. I missed by dream 600 series by 6 pins! I was kinda mad at myself, but happy all at the same time.

Let me repeat that 245!!! I am still on cloud 9 over it!!!