What could have been...

Well, today is going better than I thought. Had I not had the miscarriage in February, I would have had a c section today and gave birth to another little girl. Sometime after 9AM today my little girl would have been born, my daughter would have become a big sister. I knew for a while today was going to be tough. I will never know how big should would have been or who she would have looked like. I just know that way back in January, I declared August 25th to be a happy day for our family when I eyed it on the calendar and subtracted two weeks from my due date. I was going to have a baby just before I turned 37, just what I hoped for. A virgo, another secret wish fulfilled. I always wanted a child whose birthday party COULD be outside, this was my dream come true. My first miscarriage crushed me emotionally. I was ENJOYING being pregnant, feeling good. I saw the baby at 7 weeks and there was a normal heartbeat of 143. I thought things were going to go just fine. I was so wrong. Why have so many other women gone on to have normal pregnancies and babies? Women who smoked, women who drank, women older than me? I can go on and on. Today the reality of what happened on February 8, 2006 hit me like a ton of bricks. As I sit here and write this tonight, I should have been staring at my baby, welcoming my family and friends to see her-the little girl I so wanted to name Gianna.
It just was not meant to be. I guess she was meant to be my first little angel in heaven. In my eyes she will always be perfect and everything I imagined her to be.

I am a member of fertility friend (fertilityfriend.com) and am a member of a few groups. Women are getting pregnant left and right and some of us who have had repeated miscarriages or can't get pregnant are feeling really down about it.

Tomorrow we leave for a week's vacation and hopefully that will redirect my attention to other more positive things and let me enjoy free time with my family. Hopefully come back with some more cool pictures of Wildwood. My birthday is coming up soon and a big anniversary party for my grandparents. I have lots to look forward to.

Haunted

The last few days have been spent researching information about the death of JonBenet Ramsey. John Karr did not do this, I have no idea why he is confessing. If this is all untrue it's just a further waste of the taxpayers money. He's mentally unstable and definitely should not be roaming the streets a free man-that's for sure.

All I can say is what were the Boulder police thinking on December 26th, 1996? They botched up just about everything. Allowing people to roam through the house freely that morning, allowing her father to search for her without an escort, the crime scene disturbed and the body moved (not once but twice), allowing her mother to contaminate her body by throwing herself on it. Oh my God! Their inability to follow proper protocol is half the reason this is an unsolved murder. They helped make this an unsolved crime.

I look at the pictures of JonBenet and this little girl is almost crying out in her pictures to help find her murderer. In some ways she reminds of my own petite daughter. Not that she really looks like her, but she is petite, bright, cute and so much my little best girlfriend that I would LOVE to see fulfill some of my dreams. Sometimes when her and I are together, I feel as if nobody else matters-she's my little girl and I am so proud of her. In 1996, this was just a bit of news-a shame. Now it actually hurts me. If something that heinous happened to my little girl, and I KNOW it was done by a stranger, there would be an undescribable rage inside of me. Being a mother of a little girl has totally changed by feelings on how horrific this crime is.

One of the reasons I think it is so horrific is because this was not done by a stranger. I think her parents comitted the murder and covered it up. My personal opinion is that her mother accidentally killed her by banging her head on a tub, sink or toilet after a bedwedding incident and then staged everything else to cover it up. I think her father went along with the cover up, but had nothing to do with abusing her or the murder itself. Everything from the ransom letter to the strangling, to redressing her. It was all staged and it played out as they hoped because the police were so lax. I honestly wish some stranger could absolutely be charged with this crime. It would make me and millions of other people feel so much better to know this was an act of a stranger. More than likely, we will never ever know what really happened to JonBenet that night.

All we do know is an innocent six year old girl died for no reason under the oddest of circumstances. Millions of dollars of taxpayers money were spent investigating this murder. The murder is still unsolved and the most obvious suspects were never charged. It's August, 2006 and JonBenet should have been in high school, probably would have had a boyfriend, won numerous paegants by now and probably be learning to drive. She's been dead far longer than the short life she lived. Will she ever get justice?

Tennis Anyone??

I had a blast yesterday. I went to the Pilot Pen Tennis Open in New Haven, CT and met my friend Jill there! It was a good meeting place between where we live and we have talkedabout going to a tennis tournament for years now.The weather was great and I did not get lost. I finally made it to Yale University (The matches were held on Yale's facility). I got tan, drank tons of water, visited other courts, saw some matches up close and got to hang out with one of my best friends-very cool! She surprised me and said my ticket was my birthday present-that was such a nice surprise.

The only downer was when I parked at the tennis center,I noticed my front passsenger side tire looked very low. It really concerned me. I told me friend and I decided to just enjoy the day. When we left, I was glad to see it had not gotten worse. We went to the closest gas station, where I put air in it and prayed it would stay inflated for my 90 minute ride home. As I was driving(and praying), I called a local tire place and they said to bring it right in. It turns out, I had a big nail in the tire and was losing air quickly.I am lucky I made it home and that I did not have a blow out.It could not be repaired. I did too much damage by driving the tireas many miles as I did. So 1/2 hour and $100 later, I had a matching tire and was good to go. I still had a great time.Too bad I had that tire on my mind the whole time.

God was good to me. I made it home safely. That's the way I look at it! A good time with a good friend is absolutely priceless. Something money just can't buy. For everything else there's Mastercard!

US Open here I come!!!

Surprise!!

Well when I was at the shower yesterday, my friend was complaining of being crampy. I guess we should have taken her a little more seriously. I get a call at 8AM this morning, she had the baby lat night at 9:45PM! Hello-I said goodbye to her at 5PM!!! I was so stunned, I asked her what she had-duh! We all knew it was a girl, but yet I was so in shock I did not know what to say. She is almost 4 weeks early, but weighed in at 4 pounds 8 oz and is doing fine! Mom and Dad are doing well after a quick delivery.

It was so quick, the nurse had to deliver the baby and barely had time to put on the gloves. She says the baby came flying out! She litterally went from 0 to 60 in minutes. She went from 1-2 centimeters dialated to 9-10 in 1/2 hour!!!

I ran out to Babys R Us at lunchtime in hopes of finding preemie clothes, but they do not sell them any longer. I did get some preemie diapers, a soft doll and one newborb sleeper. I went to see her and baby tonight. My timing is awful. Within minutes of me getting there, her whole family arrived. I did not get to see the baby as she was in the NICU and visitors had to be escorted by guests. I 'll come back tomorrow or see them when they get home. Her family should see the baby tonight.

It was kinda tough, knowing I should have been having my baby this week. My best form of therapy is facing everything head on. I am happy for them and know that our day will come, hopefully very soon. Welcome Danielle!!! Now here's a girl that knows how to make an entrance!

Showers of Happiness

I was up in the middle of the night and started to panic a bit about the baby shower I have to go to today. It' s a baby shower from my friend who will have the baby on August 24th (last I heard). It's going to be a little tough to be there under the circumstances. I am going to someone's house I don't know. I won't know hardly anyone there. Whoever hasn't seen me in years is sure to notice all the weight I gained. I can go on and on. I'll go and enjoy myself for those few hours because it means a lot to my friend. I will stop being self conscious for a few hours and just enjoy.

A lot of my insecurities lately are due in part with my weight. I go on Weight Watchers for a few weeks and then I go off it. If it's not a major success, I lose interest. I'm not even happy with moderate success. I KNOW that when this chapter of my life is closed. I can lose weight successfully. Right now, I live in limbo-not knowing if i will get pregnant again, will the pregnancy continue, should I adopt, etc. I have to get out of limbo one way or another. When I get nervous I eat. Some people drink or take drugs-I eat. A lot of my self confidence problems would be solved if I lost a good amount of weight.

I was watching videos of when my daughter was a baby and am RARELY in the videos, I never wanted to be-always waiting to look better on camera. Years of my life that I can't get back are lost. How many more years will I lose until I get on track?

I know I am not alone. If anyone out there knows how I feel, please comment and send me words of encouragement. I know there are probably millions of women out there who feel "stuck" in a body they want to escape from. Tell me how to escape-tell me to have the patience to stick with it no matter what!

Poor JonBenet Ramsey

Will she ever rest in peace. It's almost 10 years later and the same images are playing over and over again on my TV. It's like time stood still in a sense. I don't think the sicko that confessed actually did it. I think he is just a wacko that was obsessed with her and wants attention. I guess time will tell if he really had a role in this.

I do feel bad for her family. Although her mother recently passed, it must be terribly painful for her Dad and brother. If he is not the killer and all these memories are being dug up for nothing, it's even more heinous.

In 1996, I was married and had no intention of having a baby anytime soon. I saw what happened to JonBenet and felt terrible-an innocent little girl was killed. Now watching that footage all over again 10 years later means so much more. I am a mother now, of a beautiful 3 year old girl and look at everything with a new set of eyes. Now her murder is tragic and heartbreaking, I can't even imagine how her mother felt-her only little girl gone. Then the parents under the umbrella of suspicion for years. It's every parent's worst nightmare. I couldn't even fathom something like that happened to my daughter. Because I am a mother now, her death bothers me 100 times more than in did in late 1996.

I hope JonBenet rests in peace. It seems that for the past 10 years she has not. Maybe the real killer will be caught and her soul may find peace. She is just one example of thousands of innocent children killed every year by disturbed adults whose actions are premeditated.

This is the world we live in. Sad.

Just another tough day

Today is a tough day. I get an email this morning from a friend who is battling bone cancer and just started chemo. She has a fever and infection and needs to go back to the hospital for at least 24 hours of antibiotics. It was her son's birthday too-I think he is 12. She said she will let me know when they let her out. She lives on the other side of the country practically, so visiting her is not an option. I am worried about her and praying for her.

I get another email this morning. My friend who is due in mid September with baby number one will be having a stress test Friday and Monday and an amnio on Wed to check for lung maturity. Assuming the baby's lungs are developed, they will induce her Thursday the 24th. We were due 5 days apart. I was planning my c section for 8/25. Our baby girls (she knows it's a girl) would have been one day apart-nursery buddies! I just hope everything is OK. The baby's estimated weight is 4 pounds as of now.

My husband and I watched some old videos (OK not that old) of just before our daugther was born. When her room was painted and ready to go (just two days before the c-section). Me before going into the hospital-looking HUGE! Then Jacqueline from the day she was born up until she was 1 1/2. We did not play the rest of the tapes-it was getting late. I watched her grown up all over again. First bath, sitting up, first steps, first birthday etc. I forgot how little she was.

I started to cry and still in that melancholy mood. I said to my husband I should have been 8 1/2 months pregnant now with our next baby girl. Will I ever get to experience all the firsts again? Would my angel have looked like Jacqueline at all? A thousand feelings started rushing through me. It's so hard. I was doing OK for a few months, but really am starting to feel a sense of loss all over again. I think my husband was thinking some of the same things I was as he watched the tape. The next few weeks will be hard, but I am strong and I will survive.

I wish it could have all turned out differently. Ironicially, I had such a good happy dream last night. My husband and I went to adopt a baby from Russia and came back with like a 10 month old cutie. Both our parents and his parents flew with us too. Another American couple was at the orphanage and they got a baby girl too, but ours was cuter. We had no idea what to name her at all-but were happy as anything! Strange-is this a sign?

What NOT to say to a woman that has had a miscarriage

Here's what you SHOULD NOT SAY:

*Be glad it happened early in the pregnancy and not later on
*It wasn't really a baby yet
*At least you can get pregnant
*You'll get pregnant again
*Be glad you miscarried, you would have had a deformed/sick child
*You can always try again
*It was God's will
*It wasn't meant to be
*Did you do something to cause the miscarriage?
*In time you will forget
*At least you have Jacqueline
*My friend XXXXXXX had 6 miscarriages
*Maybe you should give up trying and be happy with your daughter
*How do you feel now?
*Did you give him/her a name?

Here's what you should say:

*I'm so sorry
*I will keep you in my thoughts

I know most people don't know how to react or what to say when they heard the news. Just keep it simple and don't ask stupid questions or say stupid things. Even family and close friends, have managed to make one or more of the above comments. Sorry to say it but only women who have had one miscarriage can understand what I am saying. We know you mean well but sometimes keeping it simple and sharing a hug means so much more than misguided advice.

Keeping the Faith

Somehow, I am managing to keep the faith as of late. I've been a good girl, I went to confession and have been going to church every Sunday and holy days. I feel good about that. I still believe that God will help me in my time of need and do something to erase all the sadness of the past year. I have to believe that.

Sometimes I get mad at God and do stay away from church for months at a time. I always do feel wrong and guilty about it. I've had plenty of reasons to be mad at God this year. For the stress I have been under and my subsequent weight gain? For my two back to back miscarriages? For my best friend not picking me to be her daughter's Godmother? For my emergency apendectemy? For my hernia operation? I can go on and on-2006 has proved to be a lousy year. All the things I prayed would happen really did not. Expect the unexpected as they say. There were Sundays, I prayed so heard, my eyes welled up with tears.

But I am thankful-for my family, my husband, my daughter, my friends, my job, the lovely home I have, my overall good health and my gifts of kindness, intelligence and perserverence. I know there are millions and millions of people much less fortunate than me in many many ways.

Still I can't help feeling that I'm due for something good to happen. Some people pray to win money-I never did. I always prayed God would look out for my family and take care of us. So far he has done that. I've prayed for lots of things which may or may not sound unusual-I hope I get this job, I hope I lose weight, Let nothing bad happen to me this week, Let so and so's medical condition improve, Let me travel to Syracuse safely, Let me be picked to be the Godmother, Let me be pregnant, Let me not have another miscarriage, and help me to make the right decisions. I can go on and on. Sometimes God listens and what you expect to happen happens, sometimes your prayers aren't answered, but God has not forgot you in his plan.

I will always find my way back to church. I hope not to experience any absences, but push comes to shove-I will be back!

Adoption obsession

I have to admit the last few weeks, one of the few things that makes me happy is researching adoption, both international and domestic. If we go that route (we will be deciding around the holidays) I am still not sure which way to go.

I spoke to an old friend at length who adopted a boy last year from Texas and had a biological son. Somehow I think domestic adoption may take longer. I am afraid birthmothers would not want to pick us because we already have a daughter. In her case, this birthmother wanted her child to have a sibling and her older son was one of the reasons they picked them as the adoptive family. That was reassuring. I have to admit I am afraid of the disappointments domestic adoption may hold. I also have read many many birthmother comments and read of the anguish, guilt and sorrow that followed for the rest of their life. As a mother, I understand where they are coming from, I could not say that before Jacqueline.

I love the idea of adopting from the Ukraine. I would love a toddler to bridge the age gap between my daughter and the newest member of our family. International travel would be difficult and we would have to leave our daughter with relatives for weeks. I would miss her. I see the photolistings and just melt though. I also would consider Russia, but for some reason, it's the Ukraine that catches my eye! These kids are in a an orphanage in need of a home. I don't have to come face to face with a birthmother or worry if the adoption is going to fall apart.
It's more of a sure thing with less variables.

I guess I am jumping the gun, but it gives me hope to start looking into it. I am so afraid to be pregnant again, it is almost incredible. Anyone with multiple miscarriages is nodding their head right now. You have to be in someone's shoes to understand.

One way or another I will be a mommy to one more child, I just keeping thinking that in the back of my head.

I hope you dance

I love that song-I hope you Dance. I started to like in in early 2001. I decided I was going to start living my life and "dancing" and not letting life pass me by. In late April of 2001, I was stricken with a stange bacterial infection, plueracy and pneumonia and almost died. I was in intensive care and spent 10 days in the hospital. Had I waited one more day for medical treatment, I would be dead. I decided from that point on I was going to "dance" and not sit anything out.

I decided to take chances, go places and do things I never would have done before. I ventured in to the world of adoption, bought myself a truck because I was tired of driving a sentra all my life!

In 2004 by best friend played it at her wedding and dedicated it to her then 7 year old daughter. I now hear the song and don't think my myself anymore. I think of my own daughter and how I hope to see her "dance" in life and live it to the fullest. I know at 3 1/2, she has her whole life in front of her, but I hope she ventures out, travels, meets people, does things, takes chances and grabs every good oportunity life has to offer. Nobody told me that as a kid, but I will tell her that when she is old enough. I don't want her wasting years sitting on the sidelines while life passes her by. I know better now. If I did not learn from my hospital experience in 2001, I certainly learned from 9/11/2001. It hit too close to home-litterally-45 miles or so!

Even when I have a bad day now and God knows I have had enough of those lately, I am so thankful for what I have. My life, my family, my friends, my talents and my faith. I almost lost it five years ago. My life could be gone in the blink of an eye. I hope what people remember most about me is that I LIVED LIFE!

"WHEN YOU GET THE CHOICE TO SIT IT OUT OR DANCE-I HOPE YOU DANCE"

Big BBQ

Yesterday I had a big BBQ for my family. It was my sister's birthday celebration (her actual birthday is today). I had my sister and brother, parents and grandparents. With the kids we were 12 people. You have to understand my family.

The weather was a gorgeous 80 degrees with low humidity but my family doesn't like being outside. I made tons of food-enough for about 20 people-and there were hardly any leftovers. Hello-did they not eat all day because they were coming to my house or what? We had birthday cake and sang and it was nice to be together, but I have to tell you, it was a lot of work with very little help or thanks.

I had to clean the house, buy the food (which adds up when you buy meat and beer) and prepare some food. My husband had to clean all the patio furniture (which nobody sat on) and stand over a hot grill for nearly an hour.

I'm all for going out on birthdays. I volunteered for this because we skipped our usual 4th of July BBQ and I did not want my sister having to do this work the day before her birthday.

I'm glad I did it, but I hope I don't have to do that again for a while. My birthday is Labor Day weekend-I'm all set to be invited to somebody else house for a BBQ!

How come nobody tells you this stuff?

How come nobody tells you when you gain weight? I am losing weight and people are starting to notice and I am getting some compliments-great! How come nobody said anything when I gained 20 pounds from one year ago?

I know it's not something you usually say to people, but you think close friends or family would have said something. I would not expect it of co workers, but other people in my life could have mentioned it. I have a scale and I knew I was gaining, but was not ready to do anything about it with all the other challenges of 2006. I have lost and gained weight many times in my life and yet nobody tells you when you look like you gained. Why is that?

People like my best friend, husband, etc. say "I see you all the time and I can't tell". Everyone else who is not close to me probably notices but in the interest of being polite wouldn't say anything.

Whatever the case is-I know the deal and I am TRYING to lose weight. Compliments do help! Exercise helps lose inches and I am getting compliments on the inches I have lost (or so it seems).

Pirates!!!!

We saw Pirates of the Caribbean 2 Monday night. It was pretty good. It did not feel like 2 1/2 hours. Most of the movie took place in darkness which I find hard to see on the screen. I haven't LIKED Johnny Depp since the Original Nightmare on Elm Street, but I have to say he does play a good pirate (and he looked good too). The movie did not provide any sense of closure at the end and just invited you to wait for the next installment. I wanted answers-I wanted the truth-I guess I could not handle the truth. Very entertaining though. I would really like to go to Disney World in Florida and see the revamped Pirates of the Caribbean ride!

On a side note, best friend found out her cushy coporate job is being dissolved, so in a few months she is out of a job unless she can find something else. She works part time and doesn't want to go to full time-which limits her. 300 people in the building were affected and all that don't want to relocate or are facing the ax are scrambling for the few jobs within the company. Sounds like a cheap easy way to downsize to me. Offer people relocation thousands of miles away knowing 75% won't take the offer. I got laid off from the same company in 2002, I was pregnant and frantic and she told me I was overreacting. Guess who is frantic now, not knowing how she would pay the bills without her job. She sound very down and I told her she is going to have to step up and get positive or she WON'T find another job in the company and will really be screwed. She is thinking of relocating if she is offered the option, just to stay in the company. She is throwing out all kinds of crazy ideas-moving here, moving there. What about her older daughter in school? Leaving her parents? Leaving her friends? Etc.

Crazy to rip up your life to follow a job. It's just a job. She is talented and can find another one for about the same pay. I turned down a relocation to the same city in 1996. Of the 20% that took the deal, EVERY SINGLE one of them came back to NY in two years. They did not like it there and missed their families. I hope another job there pans out for her and she does have a few very promising contacts. I don't want to see her move away, but it's funny how dead serious it is when it happens to her and when it happened to me I was overreacting! Gheesh-double standard you think. In spite of being pregnant and only having 30 days notice, I got my resume together ASAP and started networking and applying. No time to waste.

I did not find a job and really stopped looking when I got laid off. My pregnancy for my daughter was difficult, but she turned out just fine. Lots of people say-everything happens for a reason and I believe it. I got laid off to rest so that my precious miracle daughter would be born OK.
I look back and am happy to have gotten laid off (with severence too!) My daughter means more to me than any job! I had a new job all lined up really-my new title was MOMMY!