Have we found our birthmother??

We may have. I got an email Wedneday night from a woman in Oklahoma City whose sister is due January 9th!!! Yes that soon! On Friday night I spoke to the birthmom and she is interested in us. I called our lawyer and spoke to her. The birthmom is native American Indian (Choctaw) and the tribe must approve the adoption. She said she will make a bunch of phone calls first thing Tuesday morning to find out if the tribe will approve the adoption. So we are in a holding pattern. I have been emailing the sister every day and she has sent me pictures and even a sonogram of the almost due baby-who is a boy! The seem like nice caring people and we will send them photos and updates of the baby if this adoption is a success.

We do want to obtain the medical records of the birthmom before we commit, but we are hopefully optimistic the tribe will agree to the adoption. Our lawyer has handled Native American Adoptions before is knows what to do.

In the meantime, the Christmas tree must come down ASAP, we are having two parties for our daughters birthday next weekend-Saturday for kids and Sunday for family. Who knows, we may be going to Oklahoma shortly after that!

I'll update as soon as I know more information!

Happy New Year!! 2007 is starting off promising!

What a great Christmas!

Just a quick post to say what a great Christmas we had. I think everyone liked the presents I bought! That made me happy. Good food (too much of it), good times with family and lots of nice gifts.

The best part was seeing our daughter's reaction to the gifts! She checked to see if Santa came and then went running into our room screaming 'He Came! Santa was here!" She was loving opening the gifts and playing with them. Lots of WOWs and excitment. It make everything worth it. This is what Christmas is all about! Kids loving presents! She is at such a great age! Although she is afraid of Santa, she was happy that he came and ate some cookies! She was excited that the reindeer ate their carrots too!

I hope she is this enthusiastic about Christmas for years to come. She even wore her Christmas dress all day long. She is my princess! Maybe next year there will be one more little person to spoil!

So I really have to go to work tomorrow???

A Difficult Christmas

This year will be a difficult Christmas. It was only a few days after Christmas 2005, that I discovered I was pregnant. Almost a Christmas miracle. In my mind, I had fast forwarded to Christmas 2006 and a photo my TWO children. I should have been holding a four month old baby right now. I keep thinkingI should have been buying little presents for our little one. Blocks, rattles, infant toys, maybe some clothes.

Just having one more healthy baby would have made me complete. I know the first Christmas after a loss is hard. At least I have on little sonogram picture I can look at from time to time. I look and stare and hold it under light and try to see anything distinguishable, but I can't. Just a little tiny bubble of a baby at 9 weeks with arm buds, tiny leg buds and round little head. She will forever be 9 weeks in my mind and in my heart. I will never get to know what she would have looked like or been like. That's the part of miscarriage that bothers mothers so much, it's the death of a person you never got to know and can only imagine. My gut feeling was right and we did find out the baby was a girl. That's all I will ever know. I will remember my two angels every always, but this year is the hardest by far. Only the mother of an angel will ever understand.

My husband I can't wait to say goodbye to 2006, the year we swore would be our best back in January 2006 when I was newly pregnant and everything looked fine. We are looking forward to 2007 and hopes that a 2nd child will join our family through the miracle of adoption. 2006 was a disaster on almost all accounts. I have even gained a noticable amount of weight from the infertility drugs and stress. Next year will be better-it has to be.

Our homestudy is complete!!

I feel so relieved. Our homestudy was completed Monday night and it went very well. We should get the report in a few weeks. I feel like celebrating. I was so scared and worried about how well I should clean my house and I worried myself far more than I needed to. It really was not hard at all. The paperwork we had to do in advance was trying at times, but it's so worth it!

If a situation were to arise where the birthmom chose us and is due tomorrow, we could take custody of the baby. How exciting to know that our lives can change on a moments notice! I am now working on our "Dear Birthmother Letter" and profile. Our website looks good although I may tweak that too..

http://ouradoptionplan.com

Our daughter doesn't really know what's going on. We wil tell her cautiously when it seems we are matched. I told her a lady was coming to our house to do a report on our family and she wanted to meet her.

I can't wait to start advertising in January (wait until the holidays are over) and put our profile on parentprofiles.com.

I really think we will be matched soon. Our social worker and laywer also feel we will be lucky in a short time!! I'm smiling from ear to ear.

Open Letter to a mother who abandoned her newborn

Dear Birthmom who abandoned her baby,

What were you thinking? You left a newborn girl with the umbilical cordstill attached in an unlocked carthis morning in a parking lot in Victory Gardens, NJ. It was litterallyfreezing outside and probably nearly as cold inside the car. A few blanketssurrounded the baby. Luckily someone found her after only half an hour andshe is doing great. Haven't you ever heard ofsafe haven laws? You could have left that baby safely at a fire department,police department or hospital with no questions askedand faced no criminal charges. You could have made an adoption plan weeksor months ago and blessed a luckycouple with this baby girl. There are dozens of sites likeparentprofiles.com where birthmother can locate adoptive parents.

I called St. Claire's hospital in Denville, NJ to inquire about your littlegirl and the possibility of adopting her. The womanI spoke to was touched at how concerned I was for your baby. Once I saw thepicture of this little girl with black hair,I had to try to do something. She almost looks like me when I was born.They took my name and number and said someonewould get back to me, but in all liklihood, she would be going through theNJ State adoptive services system. Since Ilive in NY, chances are slim that I have a real chance at adopting yourbaby. What a shame. If only you would have reachedout, you would be better off for it, your baby would be and a family wouldbe celebrating a little girls birth at a NJ hospital.

Please please please! Any woman thinking of abandoning a newborn orbaby-think safe haven or make an adoption plan.I know you are scared-but there is help out there. Make the right decision.Don't face criminal charges. You may havemade one mistake by getting pregnant-don't make a 2nd mistake and abandon apoor helpless baby possibly leaving it to die.

Here is the news story about this:
Baby found abandoned in a car in NJ

I want to make a difference

The other day I read a horrifying story on how a newborn was found dead in a shopping bag at a Long Island, NY train station. The baby was probably left sometime after midnight and not discovered until 9:30AM the next morning. Hundreds walked pasted the bag thinking it was garbage that did not fit in the trash can. That makes me sick that someone could kill a baby and leave it or leave it die. There are safe haven laws in NY. All the mother had to do was bring the baby to a police station, fire dept. or hospital and the baby could have lived and be adopted and she would not be facing criminal charges. There are thousands of couples that would have jumped at the opportunity to adopt this poor little normal sized newborn baby boy who never had a chance at life.

This happens all over the country a few times a week. Do these women not know about safe haven laws? They must be scared teens that hid their pregnancy and are afraid to even show their faces for a second at a local hospital. I heard some safe havens are getting a baby drop off.
There is a window that can be opened on the outside and a baby placed on a tray. The person making the dropoff can ring a bell which alerts staff to come to the window and that a baby has been dropped off. Would that help in reducing the instances of this happening?

My best friend said I could make a difference. I need to do something to spread the word about safe haven laws. I could contact local TV stations and see if they would air 15 or 30 second spots about the safe haven laws for free. I know some TV producers from my TV production days that would probably do some simple commercials for little to no money. I could contact project cuddle about advertising nationwide to try to help reduce the number or abandoned infants. I really feel I can and should make a difference!

As soon as my homestudy is complete, I will be sending in our application to be a rescue family for project cuddle. Visit their website and learn how you can help!

So much to do-so little time!

I feel as if all of a sudden the holidays are right upon us! I have so much holiday related stuff to do, plus I am reorganizing my daughters room and must do a thorough cleaning of the house in preparation for our homestudy on 12/11. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. Our social worker sounds great and I know other couples that used her, I feel comfortable with her.

I was sick through the Thanksgiving weekend and got nothing done around the house, but did get a little shopping done. So much to do so little time. My best friend is helping me on Thursday night organize my daugther's room that is over run with clothes she outgrew!

I hope by next weekend things are a little more under control. I have a few vacation days I am using to get stuff done, for the adoption and for the holidays. I picked the best time to dive right into adoption huh!

On a brighter note, it seems I survived the corporate merger and have a new manager who I hear is a really nice lady. I will know more in the upcoming weeks, but I feel a sense of relief and feel confident I still have a job. I hope so, my company pays up to $5,000 towards adoption assistance!

The three snowmen

Yes this is a wierd title, but I will explain it.

I have been working on the photo and layout for our Christmas card, which is photo of our daughter in her Christmas dress. I upload my photos to walmart and play around online for hours, enhancing the color, cropping the pictures, picking the style and ordering samples to see how the color comes out. I am a nut! Since I have quite a few Jewish friends who do like getting holiday cards, I usually get a "Happy Holidays" greeting and try to avoid religous greetings. I found one I like on the Walmart site. It has blue snowflakes, a nice font, says "Happy Holidays" and three snowmen on it.

Then it hit me. That's us-we are the three snowmen. Me, my husband and daughter. I might as well pick this greeting because I am praying this is our last Christmas as the three of us. I am hoping to be a family of four by next Christmas.

Of course, I am very aware that we should have been trying to get a three month old as well as our almost four year old to pose right now, but it did not turn out that way. I thought 2006 was going to be our year. It turned out to be a nightmare of a year. 2007 will be better!!! By January we should be good to go and placing ads for birthmothers as well as advertising online! We will be a successful adoption story!

So for this year we are the three snowmen, but next year we'll be looking for a greeting with four snowmen!!! :)

I have the best friends...

I really do! Most of my friends that know our adoption plans have really been thinking of us and how they can help us! I am humbled by the outpouring of concern and offers to help in whatever way they can.

One friend is moving today from NY to Ireland. She has a brand new house built. She was going to look into if American couples can adopt babies born in Ireland. I think it's not possible, but appreciate her offer to research it and even suggest it. I have another friend whose sister is a nun. She is serving the church a few towns away and deals with womens services. She is talking to her sister about giving my adoption information to women that may be considering adoption. It's nice that she is thinking of ways to help her. I have another friend who moved to the US from Romania when she was 16 and is still a Romanian citizen. She wanted to see if she can do anything to help us adopt from Romanian which is now closed. She even went as far to stuggest she adopt the baby and I adopt it from her, which I know is impossible. It's almost touching to see her scratch her head and think of how she can help us. I have one friend who told me that ig she were to find herself unexpected pregnant right now, she would want us to adopt her baby. If she had thought of it sooner when her health was better, she would have tried to have a baby for us. I was blown away by this and brough to tears. Amazing friends I have.

I am a little bit upset at my best friend. She was so eager to help me adopt in 2002 and she is so much less eager now. She said it's because I have a child, she thinks it's that couples with no children should have perference. I think that is so wrong. I hope I see that spirit come back. I supported her when she entered an awful marriage she is still in and went on to have another child that she is pretty much raising on her own because her husband has no interest in doing real work involved in running a house and raising a family.

Overall though, I do have the most caring, wonderful and thoughtful friends and I know they will be of help to me in finding a birthmom or supporting me emotionally in the process. I feel so blessed. I have such a good feeling about this adoption.

November is adoption awareness month!!

November is known for many things-election Day, Veterans Day and Thanksgiving! Every day in November is a day to celebrate adoption awareness!!! I've always loved November, but since I have really learned about adoption (back in November 2001), I have been even more fond of this month because it is Adoption awareness month.

It's a great month to recognize all birthmothers, also called first moms! It's their unselfish act that makes adoption happen. It's also nice to recognize our adoption professionals-attorneys, agency staff and social workers, for all the hard work that they do to create families. And of course, adoptive parents deserve a hand. Many face numerous obstacles in their adoptions whether they be international or domestic. The sacrifices and uncertainties are all worth it the first time you lay eyes on your new child!!

Through the years adoption has received a bad rap. The media tends not to be fair at times and draws negative attention to failed adoptions, scamming women pretending to be pregnant or abusive adoptive parents. The truth is these situations occur very very rarely and over 90% of the adoptions are successful and result in happy families. Adoption changes lives in a very positive way. It's not a secret anymore. Children old enough to understand they are adopted are told of how they came into the family. Kids are more accepted in transracial adoption. We have made so many advances when it comes to adoption. There is still more to go. More people need to be educated about adoption and more European Governments need to re-open or ehance their adoption process so that children in orphanages can stop living in an overcrowded environment and find permanent homes. I'm thinking of Romania in particular which is now closed with a growing orphan problem. I would also like to see the costs of adoptions fall so that it is more affordable for families. I think agencies charge an exorborant amount of money.
That's why we are pursuing a private independent adoption.

I am excited to annouce our homestudy date is December 11, 2006!! It feels so real now!!!

Where do you find motivation to lose weight?

I'm still looking for motivation to lose weight. I should have found it by now. I watch the Biggest Loser and those people are so amazing, they do inspire me. I hear of weight loss success stories from people I know. I know what I have to do to lose weight and yet I don't make it happen. Every day I say I will start tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. Days turn into weeks and months.

My bowling team is having the biggest loser competition, it only started two weeks ago. I have mananged to gain both weeks!! I have nobody to blame but myself. I have had a crappy year with two miscarrages and two other surgeries, but I know I can be doing better. Today I walked for 30 minutes around my neighborhood as soon as I woke up. I then had eggbeaters and an orange for breakfast. Trying to reduce the carbs! I want to exercise at least a half hour every day and work my way up to one hour. I will have to make the time. In between work, taking care of my daughter, taking care of my house, socializing, etc. I have to make it happen!!

Wish me luck. I know if I can lose 10 pounds or so in two weeks, I will be motivated to stick to it.
I know I will be much healthier and happier minus the excess weight!

I can't wait for Election Day to be over!!!

I can't stand it. I got 5 recorded messages from candidates today alone. I have been averaging 3-5 calls a day for a week now. Laura Bush even left me a message which delighted my daughter-she thought it was really her calling. I can't tell you how many pieces of mail I get from politicians!!! Please make it all end! Let the good guys triumph!!! I know who I am going to vote for! I researched all the candidates major points. No phone call or ad is going to persuade me.
Stop wasting money!! Stop clogging my mailbox and answering machine.

I will go out there tomorrow like a good American and cast my votes!! My daughter and I even watched a rare Charlie Brown video called "You're Not Elected Charlie Brown!!"Now that's why I call celebrating Election Day!!!

So remember to vote!!! It's your chance to be heard!!

A wasted day....

Well I lost the battle I have been fighting for the last week with a sinus infection. I finally caved in, called in sick and went the doctor. She told me to take sudafed, robitussin and gave me a perscription for amoxicillan. I feel bad, I layed around all day. I have so much to do around my house, but I just felt like crap! Hopefully the medicine will work and I will start to feel better. The coughing killed me last night.

When I get bored, it's not a good thing. My mind starts to get creative. I just said-what the hell-let's have fun with my daughter's Dora house. So here's a picture of Dora's parents going at it!!! I know I am immature, but I have also known to be funny as hell. Who has not taken dolls and posed them in sexual positions? Come on-you know you did! I was being tame. You should see what my brother and father do with my neices Barbie dolls-enough said!!!

Why I love Halloween!

I was always a big fan of Halloween! I would dress up and get tons of candy. In the 1970s' my Bronx, NY neighborhood was very safe. Hardly any moms worked and you could start trick or treating by 3:30 and not have to wait until people came home from work. I swore I got so much candy I could barely carry the bag. If you were sick or it rained, it was catastrophic! The last stop was our next door neighbors. They always had special bags set aside for my sister, brother and I and there were loaded with GOOD candy-not the cheap stuff. I vividly remember my sister being a cowgirl one year, a nurse another. I was a football player, A ghost (my sheet ripped so fast) and the bionic woman. You had to love those flame retardant masks and costumes that were sold in every 5 and dime around the country. For $4.99 (which was a lot of money back then), you could be just about anybody popular! I remember my brother was four, he wanted to be a devil, so my mother bought him a devil costume-mask and all. He was so scared when he put it on-he cried his eyes out!

I'm disappointed this year. For the third year in a row, my daughter will not wear a costume. She says Halloween is scary and I had to return her $40 Snow White outfit. It was only a dress. We tried to put it on her Saturday and she cried to the point she started throwing up. Maybe next year! She is almost four and missing out on so much!

What I love about Halloween are the classic scary movies I grew up on. They show them on TV all week. The original Nightmare on Elm Street (Johnny Depp was so young and cute), Amityville Horror, The Exorcist, The Omen, Poltergiest, Friday the 13th, Carrie, and my favorite-Halloween! I don't like these new movies like Saw-too gory. I like the ones where they just frightened you and freaked you out for days! I LOVE the Charlie Brown Halloween special too! Oh the good old days!!! Halloween rules!! It makes you feel like a kid again!

Just thinking of my angels...

I've been thinking about my angels I lost through miscarriage this year. I can't wait to see them again! I know I will see my angel girls in heaven (whenever I do get there!). My prayers will be answered and we will finally get to see each other face to face. That will be a gift from God. Bad enough yesterday my daughters friend's Mom had a baby boy, so he is now a big brother. Then today at Dance class her friend Abby's Mom had a girl by C-section on Tuesday, so everyone was talking about her baby sister. She started in while we were in the car yesterday how she wants a baby sister. I told her someday and you never know it could be a brother (she did not like that). In my head, I am saying "you should have had one by now"

Here's a poem for my two angels-with love from Mommy....

Nobody Knew You

Nobody knew you
" Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn't have been very far along."
...existed.

Nobody knew you
" It's not as though you lost an actual person."
...were real

Nobody knew you
" Well it probably wasn't a viable fetus.
It's all for the best."
...were perfect.

Nobody knew you
" You can always have another!"
...were unique.

Nobody knew you
" You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!"
...were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you
...but us.

And we will always remember
...You.

~ By Jan Cosby, c/o Mothering Magazine

Last Night's Nip/Tuck

Last night's episode named "Connor McNamara" really hit a nerve for me. There were flashbacks to Sean as a child with a cleft palate. How he struggled and was made fun of and embarassed. His mother wanted to use his college money to get it corrected, but his father was against it. Said he did not need it, education was more important. Sean was ostracized and miserable as a child. His mother went pretty much behind his father's back and planned the surgery. His father left his mother shortly after that and the surgery was a big reason. Sean knew what it felt like to be made fun of and teased and didn't want his son to grow up that way if there was a way he could be helped. I can't blame him. I feel exactly the same way and would do whatever was necessary regardless of cost to correct such a problem, even if plastic surgery was the answer. I strongly feel this way and if my daughter has a problem that needs to be addressed through elective surgery, as long as it is safe, I will give my blessing and find the money to get it done.

The year was 1986. A girl was 16 going on 17. She hated herself since she was about 11 years old. Always crying and looking in the mirror hating what she saw. By the age of 15 she started asking her mother about plastic surgery. Of course, the Mom gave the usual responses-you are beautiful the way you are, you don't need to change a thing, etc. Eventually the Mom saw how unhappy her daughter was and started to research cosmetic surgery. Against the father's will, we made arrangements for the surgery. It would not be covered by insurance in spite of the medical necessity of a deviated septum that did exist. They found a Dr. they liked and scheduled the surgery for July 13, 1986. The father was dead set against this-saying it was unnecessary and if anything happened to the daughter, the mother would personally held responsible. He would never forgive her. The operation was a success the recoverly long and painful, but the results were stumnning. The daughter is thankful every day of her life. Thank you Mom for standing up for me and seeing why I had to have this surgery. The girl in the story is me.

Searchng for those who adopted privately

I'm hoping someone reads this and may be able to help me out. If anyone has adopted a baby privately (through an attorney), I have questions about advertising. We're not there yet, but I am gathering as much info as possible.

My friends adopted 10 years ago when the internet was not so widely used. I plan on posting our profile to a few key sites, but would still like to advertise in newspapers for a birthmom. I would like to advertise in a 200-300 mile radius from our home to start and then spread out to some key areas like the south and Arizona (highest rate of teen pregnancy in the US). Advertising is daily newspapers is very expensive, but some people say more people read those classifieds. Advertising in penny saver type weekly papers is much cheaper, so I could afford more advertising. Has anyone had experience with newspaper ads for adoption? Did you find weeklies or dailies to produce better results. I know people do look at pennysavers for tag sales and used cars, but will they find an adoption ad. If I go with a daily paper, how any days do I run the ad for??

If anyone has some advertising advice when it comes to private adoption, I would be very very interested to hear what worked for you, what year, how much you spent on advertising, etc.

Madonna adopting??

From what I have read this sounds like an adoption that should never happen. Taking a boy from an orphanage to adopt when the boy has a father is horrible!!! The boy was placed there with the hope that his father would be able to take him back and raise him. It was a tempoary situation. If she wanted to help the boy, she should have donated money to his father , so he can afford to take him back and raise him. Why take him out of his country and throw him into the limelight. My heart goes out to the kid and father. Money can't buy happiness. This boy may have the best of everything, but he won't have his father.

I think it is one huge publicity stunt. Her husband wasn't too fond of the idea and they made exceptions for her-she is Madonna of course! She wants to be like Angelina Jolie-at least Angelina did it from her heart.

It's an outrage! I feel so sorry for this boy. It's things like this that draw negative attention to adoption!

What people should NOT assume about adoption

It's interesting what people think. My best friend was so into helping us find a birthmom when we were adopting in 2001/2002. Now this time around, she is much less enthused. Her reasoning is because I have one child, at least I have something. She is more sympathetic to couples who have no children. I totally disagree. I used to feel like that, but I disagree. I guess she doesn't get it. That disappointed me that she even thinks that narrow mindedly.

I remember 10 years ago going to the infertility doctor for a follow up to a laproscopic surgery. There was a woman with a husband and two kids there. I was thinking-"How selfish of her." She has two kids-why is she here wanting another one? Now I understand. I want this next child just as much if not more than my daughter. I have felt pain in the last 16 months, a different kind of pain. There is a woman in my fertility friend group-she has four healthy children-she really wants number five. Every child is just as wanted and important as your first child. Your desire to have children will not end until you feel your family is complete. Right now my family is incomplete.

People feel bad for couples who have NO children. I do to an extent. Some have the means to adopt, but choose not to take that avenue for whatever reason and spend years frustrated with infertility. Even if you don't have money. You can apply to be a foster parent. There is a $10,000 government rebate, you can quality for grants and loans that you may not have to payback. When there is a will, there is a way. One woman was trying for 9 years to have a baby with her husband. She finally decided to move to adoption. Within three months of being approved, she and her husband were delight to adopt twin girls! All those years of heartbreak forgotten-just like that. She's so busy with her girls now! I bet if she knew it was going to work out that well, she would have decided to adopt years ago.

So many people (men and women) discriminate against couples hoping to adopt-one reason being that they already have a child. That to me is a positive! We have experience taking care of and raising a baby-we've done it. Our child will have an older sibling who talks constantly about having a little brother or sister (OK mostly sister) and would love him or her endlessly. we've been married quite a while for folks our age. We have so many positives that some folks will never see in us. That's OK, because I know the right birthmom will stumble upon us by way of newspaper ad, internet contact, etc and will take the time to get to know us and will entrust us with her child.

There are other forms of descrimination. Couples who are older, couples who are too young, same sex couples, couples not married a long time, couples where one person has a health problem. I can go on and on. I think everyone needs to be more open minded and respect others goals and wishes. Don't question people, just respect their decisions and give them a fair shake.

Just sharing a video called "I want to Live"

No works of wisdom today from me. I did come across a beautiful video I wanted to share with everyone. It's by a group called Rightbrothers and it's called "I want to Live". It's a wonderful video about choosing having a baby and giving it up for adoption as opposed to having an abortion. It brought tears to my eyes. It's not graphic, just a video about a girl in high school who finds out she's pregnant. Any woman facing an unplanned pregnancy should watch this-what an insight to how an unborn baby might think!

"I want to live" Video

Why I am mad at God

I have to say, in all honestly I have been mad at God since late August 2006. I was OK throughout most of what happened to me this year. 2006 has been a horrible year.

First, On February 8th, I find out my baby has no heartbeat. The heartbeat of 143 I saw two weeks ago is gone. I begged the doctor for a 2nd ultrasound the next day, praying they were wrong. He humored me and of course they were not wrong. I had a D&C on February 10th.

Next, On February 23rd, I wake up with what I think was extreme hernia pain. I can't move. I call in sick to work and send my daughter off to pre school. I am writhering in bed, wishing I would be dead. Finally after my father in law took me to the ER, it took seven hours for them to realize that I had appendicitis and needed emergency surgery that night. Twelve hours after I walked into the hospital, the did it. It did not rupture and I was lucky they were able to do it laproscopically. I have now been on the operating table twice in two weeks.

Fast forward to May 4th, 2006. I had planned to have my hernia operated on as I can no longer stand the pain and it going out all the time. It was a traditional surgery with a cut in the middle of my stomach which would up being twice and long as originally planned (the surgeon had to make the patch bigger than expected). I recover and about a week or so after that, I find out I am pregnant again.

I am happy but oh so scared. My doctor tells me not to worry so much. My first miscarriage was a fluke-a chromosomal disorder. I think I get zapped twice in a row. I thought wrong. The HCG numbers were always quite low, but always doubled. I was skeptical but hopeful. The day after Father's Day was our first scheduled ultrasound. My husband came with me. I needed him in case the news was bad. It was bad. Just as I thought. No heartbeat. Considered a blighted ovum. I went back to work and tried to be brave, only to suffer devastating cramps and have to go back to the doctors office where they performed a procedure to prevent me from miscarrying at home (which I did not want). A few weeks later I would discover I had parvo virus (5th disease) and it probably was a factor in this miscarriage.

My first miscarriage hit me the hardest. I still look at the ultasounds and bawl. I had a C- section date all picked out in my head- August 25th. The doctor thought this pregnancy was going to be a slam dunk and already started paperwork with the hospital for the C-section. I was going to be a Mom again shortly before I turned 37. My girls (we found out the baby would have been a girl) would have been 3 1/2 years apart-just what I wanted. Too good to be true.

All I can think of is I should be holding a 6 week old baby right now. I should be on maternity leave and showing her off to everyone. I should be sending out Christening invitations. Instead here I am confused, depressed and no closer to child number two.

I have not been to church since the last week of August. I was fine until then and then it hit me all at once. I won't be mad at God forever, but I sure do need a sign that something good is going to come my way. I need a sign that our second child is coming to us. I don't care if it grows in my belly or in my heart. We are waiting for you. Jerry is you are a boy or Gianna or Gina if you are
a girl!

My prayers to the Amish Community

I am still shocked by what happed to those Amish girls in Pennslyvania. What a tremendous loss to that community. Not only the loss of young, innocent lives, but the loss of innocence itself.
They are so loving and forgiving, they immediately forgave the gunman and extended themselves to his grieving family. WOW-that is mind boggling!

They are praying for his widow in their own time of grief. No hatred or ill feelings, just love and forgiveness. I am amazed by this.

If this can happen in an Amish community, it could happen anywhere right? Are our children really safe at school? Can this happen again? Last week there was a rash of school violence and shootings around the country. I don't think I could be as forgiving if it were my child killed in a violent attack on innocent school children?

What will the future hold for our kids? An armed guard at every school-even grammar schools?
What kind of world do we live in where our kids are not safe in a classroom.

My prayers go out to this Amish Community and every community that has been terrorized by violence in school. Let's hope we can put an end to this and figure out a way to keep our kids safe!

I have a new set of eyes...

No, I did not get new glasses or contacts. By virtue of being a mother, I got a new set of eyes and now have the ability to see things in a different perspective than ever before.

For example-I used to watch the movie Beaches and cry my eyes out. Why was I crying 15 years ago? Because I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a best friend like that at a young age. Why do I cry now? Because Whitney's little 6 or 7 year old daughter has to live the left of her life without a mother. I cry harder now than I used to. It really gets to me.

Same thing with Steel Magnolias. I used to cry when Shelby told her mother she was not supportive of her being pregnant. It made her so upset. Now I cry watching her mother at the cemetery carrying on, knowing a daughter is not supposed to go before her mother. How she was the first person to see her daughter come into the world and the last person to be with her when she left it. I now cry for the little boy she left behind who would live the rest of his life without a mother.

I think of lots of things differently than I used to. It's like my whole perception has changed and I am fine with the changes. It makes me feel like a real mother and that I was meant to be a mother. Some women never are able to break out of their selfish thinking. Luckily this new set of eyes works perfectly!! I guess I can call them Mommy eyes!!

A great night of bowling!

Well last night I so DID NOT feel like going to my usual Tuesday night bowling league, but I like my team and am commited to it, so I went. I had just gotten bad news about a blood test I had drawn last week.

I had 5th disease (Parvo virus) in June 2006. I did not know I had it, how I got it and I had NO symptoms. It was discovered in bloodwork when I had my miscarriage. The Doctor thinks the parvo was a big factor in that miscarriage. He said the levels should be down to nothing in 4-6 weeks. Last week. I had a mysterious fever and rash on my arm. I called the Doctor and they said I should check and see if the parvo was gone (and I should have an immunity). WRONG. I find out yesterday, I still have it in my bloodstream-which is highly unusual. My best friend had a case like this and it lasted almost a year. No wonder why my back feels arthritis like pain. I am so upset.

Back to bowling. My average just went down like 16 pins because of how bad I was bowling.
I decided not to wear my usual arm brace because I think it had something to do with the rash.
I bowled a 167 the first game, a 245 the 2nd game and 182 the last game. Oh my God. 245 was the highest I bowled in my life. Next week my average will go up about 17 pins and I will have high series, high game and high handicap series. It was nice that the other two games were decent so I could have a good series. I missed by dream 600 series by 6 pins! I was kinda mad at myself, but happy all at the same time.

Let me repeat that 245!!! I am still on cloud 9 over it!!!

Marketing yourself for a successful adoption?

Even though we can't place ads yet and probably won't be for months, I am engrossed on starting to think how we will advertise to find a birthmother. I want to find the right birthmother ASAP. Like yesterday!! A fertility friend member advised me of an adoption situation of a baby that will be born in December. We can't get approved that fast and the baby was bi-racial. Too bad it would not wok out-both parents signed consent to adopt. That was really nice of her to think of me and I think more of that networking should go on with folks adopting independently!

I revamped our old adoption site and really spruced it up with Winnie the Pooh stuff and some slick features. Hopefully it will make it more attractive.

Should we place newspaper ads-which I don't perceive as very effective, but adoptive parents tell me otherwise. The good thing is you can place ads within your own state or neighboring states and hope to adopt somewhat locally and save lots of time and money in travel.

The internet is full of sites that we can post our profile. People say that do receive a lot of contact from potential birthmoms, but not all of them are on the up and up. It's less expensive and reaches a much broader audience. But you can wind up adopting anywhere in the country.

How about just promoting my adoption website and trying to get more hits. Maybe buy webhits or pay to have it moved higher up on search engines like Yahoo or Google??

I have lots of ideas, so I hope I will be successful quickly in finding our Birthmom. I will probably do a combination of internet and newspaper ads.

Here is revamped website-please feel free to let me know what can be done to improve it or any other comments...

We are hoping to adopt a baby soon!

Tiny Dancer

Today was a gift. I got to take my daughter to her first ever dance class (tap and ballet). We were both excited and were talking about it for months. I really honestly enjoyed it! I was going to drop her off and go, but almost all the parents stayed, so I did as well. I was curious to see what they do and how she follows instructions. I am so glad I did stay. I got to see her dance in her first dance class. She is a miracle. I savored the moment, knowing realistically, I may never had this chance again. I am afraid I may never have another child and even if I do, it may be a boy! My eyes were glued on her, it was like I was watching a four star movie! She did great! She looked so cute!! I am so glad I had a chance to enjoy this moment as a parent. Parents who have to drive their kids to activies should not complain. At least they have normal kids that can join activities. There are many women who only wish they can watch their little girl in her first dance class.

The girls in her class were funny. One yelled out that her arms were hurting from holding them up, another yelled out she had to go potty and another girl surprised the teacher with a high five while they were doing their steps. At some point all the girls in the class just hugged. It was cute! Nobody fell and that is a good thing!!

All I could think of was the song Tiny Dancer by Elton John. She is my tiny dancer-her petite 30 pound body almost made for dancing.

"..Ballerina, You must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand..."

We were in the car on the way home and she said "Thank you Mommy!" I said "Thanks for what?" She said "For taking me to dance class!"

It was so worth it! I will re-arrange my Saturdays anyday for dance!!!

I did take a few pictures of Tiny Dancer before her class...here's one!

Tragedy in the Suburbs

Very early Monday morning (5AM), a tragedy occurred on a local highway that cost a 16 year old girl her life. Our local high school last two students in two days in two separate incidents. What bothers me about this car accident that cost an innocent girl her life is the details of how it played out.

Here is the local new article so you can read it for yourself:


Article

A 46 year old mother of four decided to go "clubbing" at a punk rock club that was closing with her 16 year old daugther and her daughters best friend. This was on a Sunday night. Hello-don't these girls have school. They were out partying all night and the mother was very drunk. They stopped at a diner to have breakfast and got back on the highway-but the mother got on the wrong ramp and drove for one mile going north in the Southbound lane. There was a head on collision. The driver of the other car had to be extricated and survived. The mother and her daughter were in the front seat of the van and survived as they had seatbelts and airbags. The daugther's friend died instantly-she had no seatbelt on.

The mother and daugther were transported to the hospital and are being treated for injuries. The mother was given a breathlizer test which she failed and was notably about the .08 limit in NY. She has already been arraigned and faces a slew of charges. The town is in an uproar. This mother was a stay at home mom who was well liked in the community. Why did she get in the car drunk? Why were they all out all night? There are a million questions.

The fact is lives are shattered. The girl killed was best friends with the girl that survived. They were like family. The deceased girl went on vacation with them, slept over, ate over, etc. I know the mother loved that girl too.

What disturbs me as a parent is how you grow to trust a parent and the trust is lost in a split second. I went to the Mom's myspace site (which is now private) and the entire page distrurbed me. Punk rock music and videos player, all her "friends" were teenagers and pictures showed her with alcohol around her and out with teenagers. She is supposed to be a parent, not a friend to the kids. They trusted her and she let them down by making a horrible decision to get behind the wheel that night. She acted like a kid-even admitting on myspace that she was going back to her punk days.

I am so naive, I think all suburban moms are normal, driving a minivan, and helping out in the community. I never would think they were drinking and driving kids around and not parenting their children. It makes me think, when my daughter gets older, how well will I have to get to know the friend and her parents before I can trust that Mom to drive my daughter to the movies???

My innocence is now lost. I was so ready to trust Moms I felt comfortable with. I live in one of the most expensive and exclusive counties in the United States. If it could happen here, it can happen anyhere.

Lessons learned:

1) When you are back seat passenger ALWAYS wear your seat belt (I have since Princess Diana died)

2)Parents-make every effort to get to know your kids friends and their parents. What you see on the surface may not be the reality.

This could have been avoided. Now lives are destroyed and a community up in arms. One bad decision will live with them forever. The victim was an only child!
All I can do is pray for everyone involved-that there will be forgiveness and healing.

My experience on myspace.com

I had no intention of signing up for myspace.com, but I did cross paths with a potential birthmother today who lives one hour from me and claims she is determined to give the baby up. We exchanged emails and we last left off where I sent her the website to our profile. Let's see if any more communication goes back and forth. The only way I could communicate with her was to join myspace.com.

OK then I started to build a profile and search for people I went to High School with. I found a few but I unexpectedly found my former best friend from High School. "P" was always into punk, dying her hair pink at the age of 14, but in spite of how opposite we were, we were best buds for almost all of high school. Her family liked me.

Anyway, I did send her a note to contact her. I have her cell phone number but we don't call and I had not seen her in years. She got married and I did get to see a few pictures of her husband.

I have to say I am happy she got married but kind of upset by how she had changed. She has many tattoos. She had a couple last I say her. I am even used to the earring in her nose. It just seems the things she likes are kinda dark and she is very much a changed person than I knew. I knew she was going in that direction, but I thought the maturity of being in her mid 30s would stop the progession. Sounds like she drinks a lot too. I guess when we have our high school reunion next summer, I will be prepared.

I can't describe it. I was sitting at the computer and swear I could smell her distinct perfume (Gloria Vanderbilt). I was looking at a very familiar face, but the face staring back at me was totally different-does that make sense? Let's see how or if she responds to my greeting.

The "what ifs" of adoption

I spoke to my best friend briefly today and told her I was revamping our adoption website in preparation for a possible upcoming adoption. I added a page of family pictures and a page about our daughter. She asked me if that was a good idea. She said "What if a birthmother sees you put pictures of Jacqueline up there and thinks you won't love her baby as much as your daughter?"

I said that is rediculous. Of course I would love both children equally. I said "If she feels that way, then she is not the birthmother for us to be matched with". Good answer huh?? The words just came to me.

I have to admit a few months ago, I was fearful of us not being picked because we have a biological daughter. But in reality and in talking to adoptive parents and an adoption attorney, that is usually not the case. The birthparents usually find something they like about you are have in common with you. Your sister looks like her best friend. You have a Maltese dog. You are a nascar fan. Your daugther looks like his neice. Somehow a connection is made and it grows from there. It's an amazing thing. I have faith that in time an amazing connection will be made between us and birthparents who have a bond with us. I will not lie or misrepresent myself to have a birthmom pick us. It's just not me. In the long run, it's just plain wrong. This is a lifelong relationship you are entering. I think it's awful when adoptive parents promise pictures, updates, emails, visits, etc and never follow through, leaving the birthmother hurt. I could never hurt another person who gave me such a beautiful gift as a baby that way.

In recent weeks I have taken the time to read letter from birthmoms. I have read the flip side to adoption. Their hurt, their loss and unsure feelings related to the whole adoption. Many birthmoms were pressured into giving up their babies years ago and many of them have lived with the hurt. The instance of pressured adoptive in the last 10-2o years or so is reduced, but still many birthmoms go through a myriad of feelings. We have to respect that.

I have this gut feeling that although 2006 proved to be a lousy year for us in trying to grow our family, something good will happen quickly in 2007 if we choose the adoption route. I can just feel it-2007 is going to be a great year!!!

Bye bye to my spinach!

Well Monday for the first time in my entire life I bought a bag of fresh Spinach. I was hoping to surprise my husband with a fresh veggie we rarely have at dinner time. I was so proud that I bought something healthy and fresh. Luckily I held off making it, having opted for other veggies with dinner this week. It seems E.Coli has found it's way into bags of fresh Spinach! I would have been freaking out if I had eaten this earlier this week. I don't know if boiling it would have killed the E.Coli. I know washing it doesn't.

I know chances are this bag of Spinach was fine, but I'm not taking a chance so...bye bye to my Spinach! The garbage is where you belong. I am not even going to waste my gas returning it to the store. I chucked in into the garbage. Popeye never had to worry about E.Coli!!!

In Search of Trenton Duckett

Has anyone been following the story about Trenton Duckett? A two year old boy went missing in Central Florida on August 17th. His 21 year old mother claims he was in his room in bed. She went to check on him around 9PM and he was gone-a hole cut in the bedroom window screen. He went to bed around 7PM.

The story gets more intriguing. Authorities are searching a construction site where the mother and son were seen together shortly before his disappearance. They have been digging, but have come up with nothing. On Sept 8th, the boy's mother committed suicide after the CNN's Nancy Grace grilled her on the show. Here's a transcript:

http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0609/08/ng.01.html

The boy is still missing and now his mother is dead. They are not releasing to the media if the mother was a suspect or if a diary or computer may have provided information. The family is sayingher being on CNN and being "bashed" was the reason she committed suicide. The whole story sounds fishy. She won't disclose where they were that day, nobody has seen the boy the day before he disappeared. It doesn't sound good.

Poor little two year old boy did not stand a chance. I wonder if she was connected to his disappearance or possible death. Maybe she took her life out of guilt. We will never know. Finding Trenton alive is a longshot according to police. I believe in miracles, and I'm hoping he is found safe very soon. I hope this is not another unsolved casethat will fade away at the expense of a toddler. My prayers to you Trenton.

9/11-we will never forget

It's hard to believe it's been five years since the 9/11 attacks. In some ways, it feels as if time has stood still.

I live about 45 miles North of NYC. My husband was in midtown that morning and it was a twist of fate that he was not across the street from the towers. It was just like any other September day, but Sept 11, 2001 was special. As I walked from my car into my building, I distinctly remember how beautiful the weather was. There was not a could in the blue sky and it there was a slight crispness to the morning. I remember thinking it reminded me of our wedding day (Sept 13th) and what a picture perfect day with bright blue skies.

A little before 9AM, the day takes a terrible turn when my brother in law, who works for the same company (and right down the hall) instant messages me to tell me a plane hit one of the towers. I did not think much of it. I thought it was an accident, a small plane clipped a huge building-minimal damage and impact. I turned on the radio and started to hear traffic reports and the traffic guys in the helicopter talking about raging fires and major damage to the first tower. Now people are talking about it in the halls. We hear the second tower was hit. We all knew at that instant, it was no accident and we were the target of an attack. I heard of the attacks in Washington and feared they would attack every major city in the US within hours.

Things started to get kaotic even about my office in the suburbs. People trying to reach family and friends, parents leaving work to pick up their kids at school, women getting hysterical.
I will never forget watching the first tower fall. We had gotten two TV in the main lobby of IBM where I worked and dozens were gathering around. It was our first chance to see with our own eyes what had really happened. We saw the first tower fall in front of our eyes as if it were a planed implosion. EVERYONE gasped and screamed, so unprepared for what was happening.

My best friend found me in front of the monitors and started screaming "Where is Jerry?"
I had trouble reaching my husband as cell phone circuits were all busy. I did hear from him later and found out his meeting in lower Manhattan was cancelled, and he was near Grand Central Station (which I feared was a target) and was just trapped as no trains were running on the Metro North. She said we should leave work in case they declare a state of emergency and close all the highways, so we packed up our laptops and left for home.

I wanted my husband to walk over the 59th Street Bridge and into Queens to his grandmother's apartment in Astoria. It was a nice day and he was young-he could do it. He was considering it and then the trains started running and he managed to get on one of the first trains to White Plains.

Once he was home, we were just glued to the TV. I was not really working. People were calling like crazy to check if Jerry was OK. We were calling lots of people as well to check on how their friends and family were. We were in shock, watching over and over again the horrific images of the planes going through the towers, people jumping from the buildings, and the two building falling to pieces. I had nightmares about these images for weeks. I think the people jumping out of windows bothered me the most. I gulp every time I see a plane go through one of the towers.

I had bowling league that night. It was the 2nd week of the season and I was hoping they would cancel-but they did not. The mood was somber, quite a few women did not show and all we talked about was what happened. I don't know if we understood the magnitude of what happened.

We were lucky, a twist of fate kept us safe. Our close friends and family were also unaffected. Others were not so lucky. Six people (some quite young) died that day from my small town.
Many friends lost loved ones and their bodies never recovered. For months and months, the obituaries of our newspaper were full of 9/11 victims, mostly young people. The impact was felt for months and months without a chance to catch our breath.

I cried today for so many reasons-the thousands of innocent lives lost, our nations loss of security and innocence, how my daughter will never visit the twin towers and how I will have to explain to her what evil too place there. So many stories of people who missed a flight that day or called in sick for the first time in years. They were saved. So many stories of people who had a meeting in one of the towers or came in early to get some work done.

I think 9/11 should me made a National holiday. I feel it should be a National day of mouring. Nobody was upbeat. It was a somber day. Some people took off to go to memorials of former co workers. The years may have passed, but in so many ways it was like a wound being opened all over again. 9/11 taught me to live every day as if it were your last and "when you get the choice to sit it out or dance-I hope you dance!"

Five years have passed. I have a different job and a wonderful daughter. In many ways, my life has changed. Time stood still today, it may as well have been 2001. I felt like today somebody ripped a band aid off of me and exposed an old open wound. Today, like every day in the past five years, this nation has lived with this permanent wound. It hurts today more than other days. We lost our innocence as a nation and we must live with that every single day forever more.

Amniotic Fluid Embolism (AFE) is scary

I started reading about Amniotic Fluid Embolism (AFE) after a woman in one of my adoption groups told us about it. Her birthmother, who just gave birth a few days ago is now in ICU and fighting for her life when she suddenly fell under the attack of AFE. To read more about this disease where the mortality rate for the mothers is 86%, go to this link:

AFE

I never know this disease existed. I never knew it was out there and it is quite rare. There is no way of knowing if you have it until you are in labor and by then it is too late. There seems to be some link between having allergies, a male fetus and pitocin. It's scary for me to read-If I do get pregnant-could it happen to me? I have tons of allergies. Would having a c section two weeks before my due date safeguard me from this?? I am almost sorry I read about it, but it is better to be know then not to know.

For now, I will pray for a birthmother in California, whom I have heard wonderful things about and is fighting for her life. Nobody deserves to be stricken like this. It sounds like one of obstetrics "dirty little secrets". My prayers to you Cameron! My prayers to all those families who have lost a woman in the prime of her life to this terrible mysterious medical phenomenon.

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Yesterday, I turned 37. A quiet birthday that was marked by a day at work (catching up from my vacation) and dinner out with my husband. Cool gifts from my daughter and husband which included a bluetooth for my new cell phone! All and all a nice day!!! I wish I was off, but you can't have everything.

I did catch a break. I went out at lunchtime to pick up Chinese food (calories don't count on your birthday) and got stopped for speeding by a local cop. I knew him from High School. When he asked for my license and registration, I asked what the chances were of letting me slide on my birthday-he looked at my license and told me to go and have a happy birthday! Wow what a break. He was hiding-a speedtrap. I go home and go back on the same road 5 minutes later only to find two more victims pulled over by the same officer for speeding! One was a friend of mine. They weren't getting out of their tickets!!

I watched the season premier of Nip/Tuck. It was OK. I did not like the scene where Christian bedded the mother and daughter. I thought it was disgusting and had gone too far. Maybe it was just me. As a parent of a daughter, I could not even imagine something like that! UGH!
SICK!!! Let's see what next week brings!!!

Fun at the US Open

Last night we went to the US Open in Flushing Meadow, Queens, NY. It is now called the Billie Jean King tennis center. We went to the night session, so we did not get to see Agassi finish out his carreer, but we did see Maria Sharapova play as well as James Blake (a New Yorker). I love going to the Open and have gone every year for the past 10 years.

OK it costed of $13 to park and food is outrageously expensive, but it is an experience. I wanted to buy my daughter a sweatshirt, but could not justify the $44 on a size 4t sweatshirt. A melting pot of New Yorkers coming together with many forgeign visitors. You can listen to conversation and here almost every language spoken. The people are unusually friendly. They will take a picture if you ask (and not steal the camera) or let you look in their binoculars, if they overhear you can't see the players.

I always loved Agassi, a great player and humble athlete. We are the same age and 20 years ago, I thought he was quite the cutie with his long hair. We've watched him shed his youth, and mature into a husband and father right before our eyes. I wish I could have been at that session. The rain played havoc with the scheduling, but lots of great tennis was played. Sharapova is tall in person (over 6 feet) and men constantly yell out things like "Marry me Maria" while she plays. She always signs a few balls and hits them into the crowd when she finishes a match. Although she is from Siberia, Russia-she speaks perfect English with barely a hint of an accent. Blake loves playing in New York and you can tell. He hails from Yonkers, NY which is halfway between where I live and the tennis center.

The support he had was incredible. For the first time I did take pictures. I love the US Open grounds, which is the site of the 1964 World's Fair that my parents and inlaws always talk about going to. Here are a few pictures, they did not come out great because it was night time.

Vacation highlights

Vacation. We just got back but today's cold windy rainy weather makes it feel like vacation was a lifetime ago. I did take some cool pictures in Wildwood, so I thought I would share them with you....We did go to the beach a few times, we rode the tram, went to some restaurants, visited the arcades on the boardwalk and went to the Cape May Zoo.

I always wanted to take a picture of this sign. We are the three J's, Joanne, Jerry and Jacqueline.

Here is our daughter at the zoo entrance....









Here we all are at the zoo...



My little gambler....(it's OK it was an arcade and she was playing for tickets)

Love those Wildwood days...

Well I am back from vacation-one day early. We had the worst weather we have ever had down in Wildwood. The condo was great-no complaints there. Every day it was overcast, cloudy, cool and windy. Always threatening to rain. We barely went to the boardwalk or the beach. My jeans and jacket got too much exposure on this trip! Needless to say we are disappointed. We did not get to ride bikes or go to Cape May or spend much time at the beach.

We heard the remnants of Tropical depression Ernesto were on the way up the coast, so we decided to get ahead of the storm and leave this morning. We did fine, made good time and got out of the wind and rain. When we left there this morning, it was like a hurricane in progress. Very windy, (the wind was howling all night) and the rain was pelting us. Better luck next year right??

I'm still on somewhat of a vacation this weekend and look forward to a BBQ and Sunday nights tennis at the US Open. I'll post some vacation pics soon, honestly-I did not take many pictures and most of there were at the Cape May zoo!

What could have been...

Well, today is going better than I thought. Had I not had the miscarriage in February, I would have had a c section today and gave birth to another little girl. Sometime after 9AM today my little girl would have been born, my daughter would have become a big sister. I knew for a while today was going to be tough. I will never know how big should would have been or who she would have looked like. I just know that way back in January, I declared August 25th to be a happy day for our family when I eyed it on the calendar and subtracted two weeks from my due date. I was going to have a baby just before I turned 37, just what I hoped for. A virgo, another secret wish fulfilled. I always wanted a child whose birthday party COULD be outside, this was my dream come true. My first miscarriage crushed me emotionally. I was ENJOYING being pregnant, feeling good. I saw the baby at 7 weeks and there was a normal heartbeat of 143. I thought things were going to go just fine. I was so wrong. Why have so many other women gone on to have normal pregnancies and babies? Women who smoked, women who drank, women older than me? I can go on and on. Today the reality of what happened on February 8, 2006 hit me like a ton of bricks. As I sit here and write this tonight, I should have been staring at my baby, welcoming my family and friends to see her-the little girl I so wanted to name Gianna.
It just was not meant to be. I guess she was meant to be my first little angel in heaven. In my eyes she will always be perfect and everything I imagined her to be.

I am a member of fertility friend (fertilityfriend.com) and am a member of a few groups. Women are getting pregnant left and right and some of us who have had repeated miscarriages or can't get pregnant are feeling really down about it.

Tomorrow we leave for a week's vacation and hopefully that will redirect my attention to other more positive things and let me enjoy free time with my family. Hopefully come back with some more cool pictures of Wildwood. My birthday is coming up soon and a big anniversary party for my grandparents. I have lots to look forward to.

Haunted

The last few days have been spent researching information about the death of JonBenet Ramsey. John Karr did not do this, I have no idea why he is confessing. If this is all untrue it's just a further waste of the taxpayers money. He's mentally unstable and definitely should not be roaming the streets a free man-that's for sure.

All I can say is what were the Boulder police thinking on December 26th, 1996? They botched up just about everything. Allowing people to roam through the house freely that morning, allowing her father to search for her without an escort, the crime scene disturbed and the body moved (not once but twice), allowing her mother to contaminate her body by throwing herself on it. Oh my God! Their inability to follow proper protocol is half the reason this is an unsolved murder. They helped make this an unsolved crime.

I look at the pictures of JonBenet and this little girl is almost crying out in her pictures to help find her murderer. In some ways she reminds of my own petite daughter. Not that she really looks like her, but she is petite, bright, cute and so much my little best girlfriend that I would LOVE to see fulfill some of my dreams. Sometimes when her and I are together, I feel as if nobody else matters-she's my little girl and I am so proud of her. In 1996, this was just a bit of news-a shame. Now it actually hurts me. If something that heinous happened to my little girl, and I KNOW it was done by a stranger, there would be an undescribable rage inside of me. Being a mother of a little girl has totally changed by feelings on how horrific this crime is.

One of the reasons I think it is so horrific is because this was not done by a stranger. I think her parents comitted the murder and covered it up. My personal opinion is that her mother accidentally killed her by banging her head on a tub, sink or toilet after a bedwedding incident and then staged everything else to cover it up. I think her father went along with the cover up, but had nothing to do with abusing her or the murder itself. Everything from the ransom letter to the strangling, to redressing her. It was all staged and it played out as they hoped because the police were so lax. I honestly wish some stranger could absolutely be charged with this crime. It would make me and millions of other people feel so much better to know this was an act of a stranger. More than likely, we will never ever know what really happened to JonBenet that night.

All we do know is an innocent six year old girl died for no reason under the oddest of circumstances. Millions of dollars of taxpayers money were spent investigating this murder. The murder is still unsolved and the most obvious suspects were never charged. It's August, 2006 and JonBenet should have been in high school, probably would have had a boyfriend, won numerous paegants by now and probably be learning to drive. She's been dead far longer than the short life she lived. Will she ever get justice?

Tennis Anyone??

I had a blast yesterday. I went to the Pilot Pen Tennis Open in New Haven, CT and met my friend Jill there! It was a good meeting place between where we live and we have talkedabout going to a tennis tournament for years now.The weather was great and I did not get lost. I finally made it to Yale University (The matches were held on Yale's facility). I got tan, drank tons of water, visited other courts, saw some matches up close and got to hang out with one of my best friends-very cool! She surprised me and said my ticket was my birthday present-that was such a nice surprise.

The only downer was when I parked at the tennis center,I noticed my front passsenger side tire looked very low. It really concerned me. I told me friend and I decided to just enjoy the day. When we left, I was glad to see it had not gotten worse. We went to the closest gas station, where I put air in it and prayed it would stay inflated for my 90 minute ride home. As I was driving(and praying), I called a local tire place and they said to bring it right in. It turns out, I had a big nail in the tire and was losing air quickly.I am lucky I made it home and that I did not have a blow out.It could not be repaired. I did too much damage by driving the tireas many miles as I did. So 1/2 hour and $100 later, I had a matching tire and was good to go. I still had a great time.Too bad I had that tire on my mind the whole time.

God was good to me. I made it home safely. That's the way I look at it! A good time with a good friend is absolutely priceless. Something money just can't buy. For everything else there's Mastercard!

US Open here I come!!!

Surprise!!

Well when I was at the shower yesterday, my friend was complaining of being crampy. I guess we should have taken her a little more seriously. I get a call at 8AM this morning, she had the baby lat night at 9:45PM! Hello-I said goodbye to her at 5PM!!! I was so stunned, I asked her what she had-duh! We all knew it was a girl, but yet I was so in shock I did not know what to say. She is almost 4 weeks early, but weighed in at 4 pounds 8 oz and is doing fine! Mom and Dad are doing well after a quick delivery.

It was so quick, the nurse had to deliver the baby and barely had time to put on the gloves. She says the baby came flying out! She litterally went from 0 to 60 in minutes. She went from 1-2 centimeters dialated to 9-10 in 1/2 hour!!!

I ran out to Babys R Us at lunchtime in hopes of finding preemie clothes, but they do not sell them any longer. I did get some preemie diapers, a soft doll and one newborb sleeper. I went to see her and baby tonight. My timing is awful. Within minutes of me getting there, her whole family arrived. I did not get to see the baby as she was in the NICU and visitors had to be escorted by guests. I 'll come back tomorrow or see them when they get home. Her family should see the baby tonight.

It was kinda tough, knowing I should have been having my baby this week. My best form of therapy is facing everything head on. I am happy for them and know that our day will come, hopefully very soon. Welcome Danielle!!! Now here's a girl that knows how to make an entrance!

Showers of Happiness

I was up in the middle of the night and started to panic a bit about the baby shower I have to go to today. It' s a baby shower from my friend who will have the baby on August 24th (last I heard). It's going to be a little tough to be there under the circumstances. I am going to someone's house I don't know. I won't know hardly anyone there. Whoever hasn't seen me in years is sure to notice all the weight I gained. I can go on and on. I'll go and enjoy myself for those few hours because it means a lot to my friend. I will stop being self conscious for a few hours and just enjoy.

A lot of my insecurities lately are due in part with my weight. I go on Weight Watchers for a few weeks and then I go off it. If it's not a major success, I lose interest. I'm not even happy with moderate success. I KNOW that when this chapter of my life is closed. I can lose weight successfully. Right now, I live in limbo-not knowing if i will get pregnant again, will the pregnancy continue, should I adopt, etc. I have to get out of limbo one way or another. When I get nervous I eat. Some people drink or take drugs-I eat. A lot of my self confidence problems would be solved if I lost a good amount of weight.

I was watching videos of when my daughter was a baby and am RARELY in the videos, I never wanted to be-always waiting to look better on camera. Years of my life that I can't get back are lost. How many more years will I lose until I get on track?

I know I am not alone. If anyone out there knows how I feel, please comment and send me words of encouragement. I know there are probably millions of women out there who feel "stuck" in a body they want to escape from. Tell me how to escape-tell me to have the patience to stick with it no matter what!

Poor JonBenet Ramsey

Will she ever rest in peace. It's almost 10 years later and the same images are playing over and over again on my TV. It's like time stood still in a sense. I don't think the sicko that confessed actually did it. I think he is just a wacko that was obsessed with her and wants attention. I guess time will tell if he really had a role in this.

I do feel bad for her family. Although her mother recently passed, it must be terribly painful for her Dad and brother. If he is not the killer and all these memories are being dug up for nothing, it's even more heinous.

In 1996, I was married and had no intention of having a baby anytime soon. I saw what happened to JonBenet and felt terrible-an innocent little girl was killed. Now watching that footage all over again 10 years later means so much more. I am a mother now, of a beautiful 3 year old girl and look at everything with a new set of eyes. Now her murder is tragic and heartbreaking, I can't even imagine how her mother felt-her only little girl gone. Then the parents under the umbrella of suspicion for years. It's every parent's worst nightmare. I couldn't even fathom something like that happened to my daughter. Because I am a mother now, her death bothers me 100 times more than in did in late 1996.

I hope JonBenet rests in peace. It seems that for the past 10 years she has not. Maybe the real killer will be caught and her soul may find peace. She is just one example of thousands of innocent children killed every year by disturbed adults whose actions are premeditated.

This is the world we live in. Sad.

Just another tough day

Today is a tough day. I get an email this morning from a friend who is battling bone cancer and just started chemo. She has a fever and infection and needs to go back to the hospital for at least 24 hours of antibiotics. It was her son's birthday too-I think he is 12. She said she will let me know when they let her out. She lives on the other side of the country practically, so visiting her is not an option. I am worried about her and praying for her.

I get another email this morning. My friend who is due in mid September with baby number one will be having a stress test Friday and Monday and an amnio on Wed to check for lung maturity. Assuming the baby's lungs are developed, they will induce her Thursday the 24th. We were due 5 days apart. I was planning my c section for 8/25. Our baby girls (she knows it's a girl) would have been one day apart-nursery buddies! I just hope everything is OK. The baby's estimated weight is 4 pounds as of now.

My husband and I watched some old videos (OK not that old) of just before our daugther was born. When her room was painted and ready to go (just two days before the c-section). Me before going into the hospital-looking HUGE! Then Jacqueline from the day she was born up until she was 1 1/2. We did not play the rest of the tapes-it was getting late. I watched her grown up all over again. First bath, sitting up, first steps, first birthday etc. I forgot how little she was.

I started to cry and still in that melancholy mood. I said to my husband I should have been 8 1/2 months pregnant now with our next baby girl. Will I ever get to experience all the firsts again? Would my angel have looked like Jacqueline at all? A thousand feelings started rushing through me. It's so hard. I was doing OK for a few months, but really am starting to feel a sense of loss all over again. I think my husband was thinking some of the same things I was as he watched the tape. The next few weeks will be hard, but I am strong and I will survive.

I wish it could have all turned out differently. Ironicially, I had such a good happy dream last night. My husband and I went to adopt a baby from Russia and came back with like a 10 month old cutie. Both our parents and his parents flew with us too. Another American couple was at the orphanage and they got a baby girl too, but ours was cuter. We had no idea what to name her at all-but were happy as anything! Strange-is this a sign?

What NOT to say to a woman that has had a miscarriage

Here's what you SHOULD NOT SAY:

*Be glad it happened early in the pregnancy and not later on
*It wasn't really a baby yet
*At least you can get pregnant
*You'll get pregnant again
*Be glad you miscarried, you would have had a deformed/sick child
*You can always try again
*It was God's will
*It wasn't meant to be
*Did you do something to cause the miscarriage?
*In time you will forget
*At least you have Jacqueline
*My friend XXXXXXX had 6 miscarriages
*Maybe you should give up trying and be happy with your daughter
*How do you feel now?
*Did you give him/her a name?

Here's what you should say:

*I'm so sorry
*I will keep you in my thoughts

I know most people don't know how to react or what to say when they heard the news. Just keep it simple and don't ask stupid questions or say stupid things. Even family and close friends, have managed to make one or more of the above comments. Sorry to say it but only women who have had one miscarriage can understand what I am saying. We know you mean well but sometimes keeping it simple and sharing a hug means so much more than misguided advice.

Keeping the Faith

Somehow, I am managing to keep the faith as of late. I've been a good girl, I went to confession and have been going to church every Sunday and holy days. I feel good about that. I still believe that God will help me in my time of need and do something to erase all the sadness of the past year. I have to believe that.

Sometimes I get mad at God and do stay away from church for months at a time. I always do feel wrong and guilty about it. I've had plenty of reasons to be mad at God this year. For the stress I have been under and my subsequent weight gain? For my two back to back miscarriages? For my best friend not picking me to be her daughter's Godmother? For my emergency apendectemy? For my hernia operation? I can go on and on-2006 has proved to be a lousy year. All the things I prayed would happen really did not. Expect the unexpected as they say. There were Sundays, I prayed so heard, my eyes welled up with tears.

But I am thankful-for my family, my husband, my daughter, my friends, my job, the lovely home I have, my overall good health and my gifts of kindness, intelligence and perserverence. I know there are millions and millions of people much less fortunate than me in many many ways.

Still I can't help feeling that I'm due for something good to happen. Some people pray to win money-I never did. I always prayed God would look out for my family and take care of us. So far he has done that. I've prayed for lots of things which may or may not sound unusual-I hope I get this job, I hope I lose weight, Let nothing bad happen to me this week, Let so and so's medical condition improve, Let me travel to Syracuse safely, Let me be picked to be the Godmother, Let me be pregnant, Let me not have another miscarriage, and help me to make the right decisions. I can go on and on. Sometimes God listens and what you expect to happen happens, sometimes your prayers aren't answered, but God has not forgot you in his plan.

I will always find my way back to church. I hope not to experience any absences, but push comes to shove-I will be back!

Adoption obsession

I have to admit the last few weeks, one of the few things that makes me happy is researching adoption, both international and domestic. If we go that route (we will be deciding around the holidays) I am still not sure which way to go.

I spoke to an old friend at length who adopted a boy last year from Texas and had a biological son. Somehow I think domestic adoption may take longer. I am afraid birthmothers would not want to pick us because we already have a daughter. In her case, this birthmother wanted her child to have a sibling and her older son was one of the reasons they picked them as the adoptive family. That was reassuring. I have to admit I am afraid of the disappointments domestic adoption may hold. I also have read many many birthmother comments and read of the anguish, guilt and sorrow that followed for the rest of their life. As a mother, I understand where they are coming from, I could not say that before Jacqueline.

I love the idea of adopting from the Ukraine. I would love a toddler to bridge the age gap between my daughter and the newest member of our family. International travel would be difficult and we would have to leave our daughter with relatives for weeks. I would miss her. I see the photolistings and just melt though. I also would consider Russia, but for some reason, it's the Ukraine that catches my eye! These kids are in a an orphanage in need of a home. I don't have to come face to face with a birthmother or worry if the adoption is going to fall apart.
It's more of a sure thing with less variables.

I guess I am jumping the gun, but it gives me hope to start looking into it. I am so afraid to be pregnant again, it is almost incredible. Anyone with multiple miscarriages is nodding their head right now. You have to be in someone's shoes to understand.

One way or another I will be a mommy to one more child, I just keeping thinking that in the back of my head.

I hope you dance

I love that song-I hope you Dance. I started to like in in early 2001. I decided I was going to start living my life and "dancing" and not letting life pass me by. In late April of 2001, I was stricken with a stange bacterial infection, plueracy and pneumonia and almost died. I was in intensive care and spent 10 days in the hospital. Had I waited one more day for medical treatment, I would be dead. I decided from that point on I was going to "dance" and not sit anything out.

I decided to take chances, go places and do things I never would have done before. I ventured in to the world of adoption, bought myself a truck because I was tired of driving a sentra all my life!

In 2004 by best friend played it at her wedding and dedicated it to her then 7 year old daughter. I now hear the song and don't think my myself anymore. I think of my own daughter and how I hope to see her "dance" in life and live it to the fullest. I know at 3 1/2, she has her whole life in front of her, but I hope she ventures out, travels, meets people, does things, takes chances and grabs every good oportunity life has to offer. Nobody told me that as a kid, but I will tell her that when she is old enough. I don't want her wasting years sitting on the sidelines while life passes her by. I know better now. If I did not learn from my hospital experience in 2001, I certainly learned from 9/11/2001. It hit too close to home-litterally-45 miles or so!

Even when I have a bad day now and God knows I have had enough of those lately, I am so thankful for what I have. My life, my family, my friends, my talents and my faith. I almost lost it five years ago. My life could be gone in the blink of an eye. I hope what people remember most about me is that I LIVED LIFE!

"WHEN YOU GET THE CHOICE TO SIT IT OUT OR DANCE-I HOPE YOU DANCE"

Big BBQ

Yesterday I had a big BBQ for my family. It was my sister's birthday celebration (her actual birthday is today). I had my sister and brother, parents and grandparents. With the kids we were 12 people. You have to understand my family.

The weather was a gorgeous 80 degrees with low humidity but my family doesn't like being outside. I made tons of food-enough for about 20 people-and there were hardly any leftovers. Hello-did they not eat all day because they were coming to my house or what? We had birthday cake and sang and it was nice to be together, but I have to tell you, it was a lot of work with very little help or thanks.

I had to clean the house, buy the food (which adds up when you buy meat and beer) and prepare some food. My husband had to clean all the patio furniture (which nobody sat on) and stand over a hot grill for nearly an hour.

I'm all for going out on birthdays. I volunteered for this because we skipped our usual 4th of July BBQ and I did not want my sister having to do this work the day before her birthday.

I'm glad I did it, but I hope I don't have to do that again for a while. My birthday is Labor Day weekend-I'm all set to be invited to somebody else house for a BBQ!