Today marks one week since my 2nd miscarriage. It's my 2nd in just four months. Back to back miscarriages-I never thought that would happen to me. Funny thing is I had such a hard time getting pregnant for my daughter (it took 28 months). We had started to pursue adoption.
Now this time around getting pregnant is not the problem, it's staying pregnant.
Last week I was 9 weeks 1 day and we went for an ultrasound. I had been bleeding for a week and was in denial, hoping that it would stop any time now. I had also started cramping and had back pain. The ultrasound showed no fetal pole and no heartbeat. This pregnancy was troubled from the beginning with unexplanable low HCGs and everything running 2-3 weeks behind. I was scared out of my mind and we did not tell family about the pregnancy, almost knowing it would not have a happy ending. I know when I conceived and this just was not right. The Dr. thought the cause was chromosonal (again) but the pathology reports should come back next week to confrm the cause. We so badly wanted this baby. I was afraid to miscarry naturually and there was no time for a D&C so the Doctor performed an in office procedure to help me along and make sure the tissue could be tested. I don't know if it could be a fluke twice in a row. I guess we will see. If they test my husband and I and the results are pointing towards another chromosomal miscarriage, we just may adopt and move forward with our lives.
I hate telling my friends, I don't want pity. Just an "I'm sorry" will do. I have to carry on at work as if nothing happened, friends expect me to feel social and my daughter wants me to play with her. Life goes on. It has to. I hate when people say "At least you have your daughter". True, I have very grateful for my daughter, but when you want two kids and only have one, there is still a void in your life. I never understood that. When I could not get pregnant, I used to snicker at woman at the fertility specialist's office with two kids in tow hoping to get pregnant with number three. I used to think-"be happy with what you have". Now I understand them completely. It's almost ironic. I want my daughter to have a sibling. She wants a little sister, but we'd be happy with a boy or girl. I am so afraid that my husband and I will be gone someday and she will have no sibling and be alone in the world. Nobody to remember the family vacations, birthday parties and Christmases.
I never thought I would have one miscarriage, let alone two. My maternal side has never had a miscarriage-sister, mother and grandmother all had healthy kids. My father's side was not so lucky-my grandmother has six losses (in a row) and my aunt three. My grandmother managed to have two children and my aunt three, but they must have went through a lot.
I hope better days are ahead and I don't get caught up in sad anniversaries. One way or another I will bring another child into our family. Whether by birth or through adoption, we will be a family of four someday, just like I always wanted. Just thinking about that keeps me motivated and focused. Like Fleetwood Mac says "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow".
1 comment:
I'm starting from the beginning, so hopefully you won't mind.
My husband and I adopted our oldest and it was the most spectacular thing in our lives. The aftermath of my pregnancy with Ally is what did me in. I guess the whole point is to take in what happens and mull it over until you can see just why.
I hope that one way or the other you'll be completing your family soon. Don't give up on adoption or another pregnancy. Something will work out.
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