I have to say, in all honestly I have been mad at God since late August 2006. I was OK throughout most of what happened to me this year. 2006 has been a horrible year.
First, On February 8th, I find out my baby has no heartbeat. The heartbeat of 143 I saw two weeks ago is gone. I begged the doctor for a 2nd ultrasound the next day, praying they were wrong. He humored me and of course they were not wrong. I had a D&C on February 10th.
Next, On February 23rd, I wake up with what I think was extreme hernia pain. I can't move. I call in sick to work and send my daughter off to pre school. I am writhering in bed, wishing I would be dead. Finally after my father in law took me to the ER, it took seven hours for them to realize that I had appendicitis and needed emergency surgery that night. Twelve hours after I walked into the hospital, the did it. It did not rupture and I was lucky they were able to do it laproscopically. I have now been on the operating table twice in two weeks.
Fast forward to May 4th, 2006. I had planned to have my hernia operated on as I can no longer stand the pain and it going out all the time. It was a traditional surgery with a cut in the middle of my stomach which would up being twice and long as originally planned (the surgeon had to make the patch bigger than expected). I recover and about a week or so after that, I find out I am pregnant again.
I am happy but oh so scared. My doctor tells me not to worry so much. My first miscarriage was a fluke-a chromosomal disorder. I think I get zapped twice in a row. I thought wrong. The HCG numbers were always quite low, but always doubled. I was skeptical but hopeful. The day after Father's Day was our first scheduled ultrasound. My husband came with me. I needed him in case the news was bad. It was bad. Just as I thought. No heartbeat. Considered a blighted ovum. I went back to work and tried to be brave, only to suffer devastating cramps and have to go back to the doctors office where they performed a procedure to prevent me from miscarrying at home (which I did not want). A few weeks later I would discover I had parvo virus (5th disease) and it probably was a factor in this miscarriage.
My first miscarriage hit me the hardest. I still look at the ultasounds and bawl. I had a C- section date all picked out in my head- August 25th. The doctor thought this pregnancy was going to be a slam dunk and already started paperwork with the hospital for the C-section. I was going to be a Mom again shortly before I turned 37. My girls (we found out the baby would have been a girl) would have been 3 1/2 years apart-just what I wanted. Too good to be true.
All I can think of is I should be holding a 6 week old baby right now. I should be on maternity leave and showing her off to everyone. I should be sending out Christening invitations. Instead here I am confused, depressed and no closer to child number two.
I have not been to church since the last week of August. I was fine until then and then it hit me all at once. I won't be mad at God forever, but I sure do need a sign that something good is going to come my way. I need a sign that our second child is coming to us. I don't care if it grows in my belly or in my heart. We are waiting for you. Jerry is you are a boy or Gianna or Gina if you are
a girl!
4 comments:
You visited my site.
I can only imagine how hard it was for you to read my thoughts about my situation I am in now.
You are a good person. Better then me. I dont think I could leave you a comment saying anything nice to me.
I would read what you wrote as terrible and selfish. There I would sit after having miscarriages and wanting a second child. I would judge you for wanting to abort your child when all I wanted was another.
Again you are better then I am and for that I salute you. I will keep you in my thoughts. Everything happenes for a reason (I'm sure you've heard) and you will be blessed somehow someway for being the good person that you are.
Thank you
Wow, honest to God, this is the first blog I have read, and ever replied to. My name is Jena (pronounced Gina). I still have cold chills as I am typing. I too, have been searching myself for answers due to a life of extraordinary events. Although different from yours, the feelings of lonliness, and resentment, and bitterness are the same. But, you cannot blame God. God blesses us, not curses us. He never gives us more than we can handle. You have a healthy child. You should try to turn your pain and sorrow, into wisdom and understanding. Ask God to help you get past the point you are right now. Enjoy life to the fullest with the child you have. Feed off the innocence that children have, to get back what you had in your life prior to your loss. Kids know when a parent is grieving even if you don't realize it. I know you asked for a sign from God to let you know things are looking up. I can't say that I am the answer, but I can say that you need to pick yourself up, and start your day thinking God for your child, and that he will direct you in the path that is right. You can do it. I pray that you find peace.
Sincerely,
Jena
I lost my first baby .. the doc couldn't find a heartbeat. blighted ovum.
I have a little boy now , a year later.
Please keep the Faith.
I am really sorry for all your pain and I hope you feel better and that God answers your prayers.
Take care.
I don't believe in saying, "I know how you feel", because I'm just not you.
I have experienced loss (and blessings) in my life though. The valleys can be SOOOO dark. I can honestly say that the only thing that has really helped pull me out of that darkness, and onto the road to healing, has been God. It's totally OK to be mad and question Him. As long as you keep ackowledging that he is on the throne. Sometimes He allows bad things to happen, but he also makes beauty from the ashes. If you are faithful, He will be faithful in blessing you in bigger ways than you can even imagine right now.
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