So confused....Big girls don't cry-do they???

I am so confused right now, I feel torn. I have been dieting for the past 20 years. In college, I just needed to lose 10 or 20 pounds and I did gain and lose. I wasn't unhappy with my weight for the most point at that time in my life. I was an underweight child, always being told to eat.

Over the past 10 years or so, my weight has become an issue. In 1996, I joined weight watchers and came within two pounds of goal and stopped going. I had lost 47 pounds and was wearing size 7. Unfortunately the weight came back as quickly as it came off. In June 1998 I joined weight watchers (for the 2nd time). I lost 55 pounds in 6 months. I went six pounds under goal and became a weight watchers leader. I wore size 5. I felt great-better at 30 that I felt at 20! I thought there is no way I will gain it back-WRONG! Within a year, I gained it all back and then some.

The last few years have been very disappointing. My motivation to even have an honest week of dieting is not there. It's difficult to exercise with two kids. I do have success if I go to weight watchers meetings regularly and have a motivating leader. Just this past fall I lost 28 pounds-in nine weeks-and then stopped going to WW!

My sister had gastric bypass surgery in March of this year. It got me thinking about lap band surgery. I finally went to a free seminar. I am very interested and not afraid of the surgery itself. It appears my insurance will cover it, but it takes 3-6 months to get approved. I would have to gain a decent amount of weight to have a BMI over 40 to get approved easily for the surgery. I won't do that. I think it's counter productive. I want to get approved the way I am. My BMI is over 35 and I do some a couple of co-morbities, but they are slight, one being sleep apnea. I am pre diabetic, my triglycerides are always over 500 and my blood pressure is about 145 over 90 all the time. I have asthma and back problems. My weight isn't helping at all! I am worrying about my future health, diabetes and heart disease run rampant in my family.

I hate to waste 3-6 months waiting to be approved. What if I am denied? That's months I could have been trying to lose weight again. I feel like my life is on hold. I will have to go through another birthday and Thanksgiving and Christmas looking and feeling like this. I haven't been watching what I am eating or taking walks the last few weeks because I don't want to lose weight before my consultation with the bariatric surgeon. I'm not considering the surgery because I can't lose weight, it's because I can't keep it off and gain it back SO fast. The yo-yo dieting is not good for my heart.

Part of me wants to try weight watchers or a traditional diet one more time-right now. The other part says that since I am not working now, it's an opportunity to pursue lap band surgery and change my life. I want to be thin forever, not for six months or so. I know if I don't have the surgery, 5 or 10 years from now, nothing will change-I will weight the same, possibly more. I have to do something to change my fate and save my life. Diets only have short term results for me. I want my life back while my kids are young. I felt so good the few times in my adult life I was thin-I want to feel like that again. I know the surgery has no guarantees, but statistically, it's much more successful than traditional dieting. Lifestyle changes must be made.

I am so confused, but I am moving forward with the lap band surgery route. I really and truly feel it's my key to being at a normal weight for the rest of my life. I hope I'm doing the right thing.