I know I should be happy and overall I am. This week is a tough week. Two years ago today, I found out the baby I was carrying had no heartbeat. It was the first of two back to back miscarriages. I was 9 1/2 weeks pregnant and everything had been going so well. My doctor even got approval for the C section I was going to be having at the end of August, 2006. I had been having very sharp abdominal pains on February 7th and 8th and decided to see the OBGYN. I never in a million years suspected I had a miscarriage. I didn't even bring my husband with me. I cried for days, my eyes were swollen for a week.
I scheduled a D&C on February 10th. I wanted to get it over with and move on. I didn't want to wait for the inevitable to happen. I was too scared. I couldn't believe it was happening and actually went to the office the day before the D&C and asked them to check again to see if there was a heartbeat. I was grasping at straws, but wanted to make sure they were right before I had the procedure.
Weeks later I would find out that the baby was a girl and had a chromosonal abnormality which caused the miscarriage. It was Turner's Syndrome (also known as 45X), a common cause for miscarriage and it occurs in female fetuses that are missing an X chromosome. The news brought me little comfort.
My gut said the baby was a girl right from the beginning and I was right. I immediately pictured this little girl with big black eyes and jet black hair-but she was not meant to be.
My future held other plans for me. A little more than a year after this tragedy struck, fate had intervened and had a very beautiful blonde haired, blued eyed angel was waiting for me-my daughter. Her adoption is a story of fate, destiny and love. I believe my lost angels helped her find me so quickly so that I can start to heal. We believe she was conceived on the day our lost angel would have been born. Jenna's birthday is exactly 9 months after my angel was due.
Last year was very hard-it was the first year after it happened and I was no closer to a 2nd child. This year, I am thrilled to say I am a mother of two girls, but I can't say the loss still doesn't hurt. It does, just a tiny tiny bit less then the year before. As long as I live I will never forget my lost angels. A little part of me will always hurt. I believe I will see my lost angels one day in heaven. I can't wait to see if they look like what I pictured them to.
This song reminds me of my angels-I still cry every time I listen to it-LeeAnn Rimes-Probably Wouldn't be this way:
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