Well, today is going better than I thought. Had I not had the miscarriage in February, I would have had a c section today and gave birth to another little girl. Sometime after 9AM today my little girl would have been born, my daughter would have become a big sister. I knew for a while today was going to be tough. I will never know how big should would have been or who she would have looked like. I just know that way back in January, I declared August 25th to be a happy day for our family when I eyed it on the calendar and subtracted two weeks from my due date. I was going to have a baby just before I turned 37, just what I hoped for. A virgo, another secret wish fulfilled. I always wanted a child whose birthday party COULD be outside, this was my dream come true. My first miscarriage crushed me emotionally. I was ENJOYING being pregnant, feeling good. I saw the baby at 7 weeks and there was a normal heartbeat of 143. I thought things were going to go just fine. I was so wrong. Why have so many other women gone on to have normal pregnancies and babies? Women who smoked, women who drank, women older than me? I can go on and on. Today the reality of what happened on February 8, 2006 hit me like a ton of bricks. As I sit here and write this tonight, I should have been staring at my baby, welcoming my family and friends to see her-the little girl I so wanted to name Gianna.
It just was not meant to be. I guess she was meant to be my first little angel in heaven. In my eyes she will always be perfect and everything I imagined her to be.
I am a member of fertility friend (fertilityfriend.com) and am a member of a few groups. Women are getting pregnant left and right and some of us who have had repeated miscarriages or can't get pregnant are feeling really down about it.
Tomorrow we leave for a week's vacation and hopefully that will redirect my attention to other more positive things and let me enjoy free time with my family. Hopefully come back with some more cool pictures of Wildwood. My birthday is coming up soon and a big anniversary party for my grandparents. I have lots to look forward to.
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